Why does my dad think everything relates to him?

[Besom]

I would welcome opinions from all you amateur psychologists in an attempt to understand/feel less irritated by my dad.

I do love him but I waste a lot of mental engergy on him and I would like to engage with him in a more positive way. I'm posting because others may have similar parental relationships and be able to give me some insights.

My dad has particularly baffled me today by saying he thinks my dh dislikes him. His reason for thinking this was based on 3 things which have happened in the last couple of weeks.

1. Dh did not come to a family birthday celebration because 2 days before we had been told at an ultrasound pregnancy scan that unfortunately there was no fetal heart beat. I went to the meal because it was my family but dh did not feel up to socialising.

1. A couple of days after this my dad visited and dh went upstairs for a lie down.

1. Dad offered us tickets for an event because someone else had pulled out. I said I would go but dh said he would rather stick pins in his eyes than attend said event as it is not his kind of thing.

Aside from this, dh is nothing but pleasant to my father. My dad could not think of any other times when dh had 'slighted' him.

Thinking that dh doesn't like him strikes me as a very odd conclusion to come to given the circumstances.

Other typical traits in my dad which may or may not be related to the above are:

Often says things to people (who he doesn't necessarily know that well) about their weight/appearance which I would consider rude.

Often treats me and speaks to me as though I am a child/teenager to the extent that other people (including his partner) have commented on it. Often tries to get overly and innappropriately involved in aspects of my life (also does this to db).

Whenever I tell him anything major about my life he immediately says all the negative things that could go wrong, and about how my decision could impact on him. He usually thinks that the worst possible scenario will happen in any given situation.

Often talks over people in conversation and will randomly say things entirely unrelated to what is being discussed by everyone else. Seems sometimes to have limited understanding of what other people may or may not be interested in, or does not often pick up on social cues.

Sense of humour is very basic and he never 'gets' subtle humour. He was first person in his family to go to university (science degree) so is clever, but sometimes struggles to grasp what seem like fairly simple concepts to me.

There are very positive things about him as well, but those things don't perplex me, so I won't mention them.

So, any blinding insights welcome, as I say.

It has taken me so long to write this that I have to go to bed now!

I think I'd feel the same as your dad if your DH did those things tbh.

Sorry.

Don't be silly Timothy.

Your dad sounds like my mum. Unfortunately, at the age of 36, I have finally come to accept that I can't do anything about her. I just spend a bit less time with my parents these days and have learnt not to rely on their good opinion all the time.

I bet if your dad was a teenager today - he'd be getting a diagnosis on the Austic Spectrum or being assessed. Nothing to handicap his life but you say he struggles with everyday concepts but has a science degree and how he is rude to people but not seeing it...

You seem to be implying that he may have some sort of 'condition', like Aspergers. Is that what you're thinking?

Speaking from personal experience, I'd say he ticks all the boxes for Aspergers/ASD.

I have thought about Asbergers and I just wondered what other peoples' opinions were. If it is, it is mild, and obviously I cannot diagnose him, but maybe reading up on it a bit more will help me to understand him?

My Sil also mentioned the word narcisism in relation to him the other week, but what I have read on here seems rather extreme compared to my dad who does not seem actively nasty to me but more that he doesn't realise (althogh sil thinks differently).

One other thing I thought of last night which is a bit strange about him is his awareness of personal space. He doesn't invade it in a typical way by coming and standing too close. It's more that he doesn't move out of your way. So he hovers in doorways when you are trying to get through them. Or hovers behind me when I'm trying to get dd ready to go out and gets in the way, so I usaully have to ask him to sit down or something. Does anyone know if this fits with aspergers at all?

Doillus and Barry Kent - I think you're right to think you can't change them. I can't really not see him, but I do need to find a way of managing my feelings about it all.

I too would think someone was behaving slightly out of the ordinary if they did the 3 things your DH did.
Perhaps your Dad phrased it as 'does DH dislike me?' rather than the more confrontational 'why is DH not supporting you more?' ie being with you at family events when you have BOTH had such sad news. Must have been tough to go on your own - perhaps your Dad is worried but misguided?
He does sound like he has less than great social skills though

I agree your Dad's behaviour is more than eccentric. Doing an amateur diagnosis can be very helpful when dealing with a difficult person, because it removes the feeling that we're somehow provoking the behaviours. It also helps us to recognise we cannot change the condition, nor alter the person's way of thinking.

A lot of what you described seems very typical of Asperger's. It's often been said that Asperger's "looks like Narcissism". Also, Personality Disorders are often associated with an emotionally negative childhood - unfortunately, many people growing up with undiagnosed autistic disorders did suffer as a result of their "different-ness".

Here's a page about Asperger's: www.mental-health-matters.com/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=895
This is the "Aspie Quiz": psychcentral.com/quizzes/autism.htm
Here's a page on Borderline Personality Disorder: www.outofthefog.net/Disorders/BPD.html

I think I can see why he might think your husband has a problem with him tbh.

Is he isolated in his job/where he lives?

Your Dad sounds a lot like my FIL who is narcissistic (its really all about him, people with NPD also do not get humour at all) and controlling (he likely still sees you as a child and thus tries to muscle in on both your DBs and your lives) by his very nature.

My FIL is not on the ASD spectrum and I don't think your Dad is either. You might want to engage with him in a more positive way (I would personally be distancing myself in view of how he speak to you) but such things really have to be two way. He does not sounds at all interested and or bothered frankly.

Stop expending your precious mental energy on him; its a waste of time and these people too are often never assessed clinically. Concentrate primarily on your own family unit.

You may want to read "If you had controlling parents" written by Dr Dan Neuharth.

His wife/partner has also commented on how he speaks to you. What has been his response to her comments and how has she acted?. I write that as some people act as "bystanders" within the overall dysfunctional family unit out of self preservation and want of a quiet life.

Dh was acting out of the ordinary, but he had a very good reason for it. It was made very clear by other family members that we were not expected to attend the meal if we did not want to, and I didn't decide to go until the last minute. It was another family member's birthday and nothing to do with dad in that sense.

DH did not speak directly to dad about the event tickets. Dad asked me, I asked dh, I said no thanks dad, dh doesn't fancy it but I'll go. That was all it was.

Atilla - what is it that makes you think 'not aspergers'?

His partner has said about the infantilisation a few times. Usually in a sort of jokey way - 'fgs Besom is a grown woman!!!' I know she has questioned him about why he feels the need to fret about details of our lives which are nothing to do with him. She also has an adult dd but obviously notices a difference in the relationship. I don't really know what dad thinks about it because he doesn't say anything and just does a cats bum's mouth (so I don't think he acknowledges it in any way).

didl - he is less isolated now than he ever has been because his partner has a busy social life in which he is often included.

Re: narcisim, he doesn't do 'narcisitic rage' at all (cat's bum face would be ususal response to things he doesn't agree with). He will sometimes do 'poor me' sulky stuff if not getting his own way.

Also, he doesn't really 'big himself up' in any way, which I thought was supposed to be a major trait of npd?

Although I think he talks about me, dd and my db in such glowing terms to other people that you would think we 'pooed in polythene bags' (dad's partner's words). This is not reflected in how he talks to us though (apart from maybe my dd) because both db and myself have the impression that we don't quite live up to his expectations.

Grace - thanks for the links.

The controlling aspects and infantalisation shown towards you in the main leads me to that conclusion.

Know the "cats bum face" as well; that's a specialty of my MIL. Not all people with NPD are the same; my BIL and FIL are two very different types but they are still narcissistic.

"Although I think he talks about me, dd and my db in such glowing terms to other people ....This is not reflected in how he talks to us though ....because both db and myself have the impression that we don't quite live up to his expectations."

yes that is some kind of personality disorder trait - my exP used to portay me as wonder woman fantastic completely on a pedestal etc to other people, how lucky he was - then to me i was too fat, needed to lose weight, didnt support him enough, he was going to leave me, constant criticism over smallest things i always did wrong....etcetc.

so when i did leave him some people couldnt understand it!

i don't think self-indulgence or obsession with others actions is an aspergers trait either - this is much more narcissistic. aspergers/autism is much more self centred in terms of being at one with themselves, not needing others approval, would they really notice if someone liked them or not? is much more self-less rather than selfish....

not to say you cant have someone who is both, i guess or traits of both.

Sorry, the 'pooing in polythene bags' bit sounds a bit weird and makes no sense!!! I meant that she said 'you'd think when you poo it comes out in a polythene bag, the way your dad talks about you'.

Hmmm - I'd prefer it if it was asbergers - easier to get my head round.

When he was a toddler he had a terrible accident and was in hospital for months. In those days the parents didn't get to stay with them and he apparently was calling his mother 'nurse' when he came out .

How do I go about trying to emotionally distance myself? It's very difficult.

cestlavielife - yes I suppose there is no reason someone can't have traits of both. People are not text book cases are they?

"One other thing I thought of last night which is a bit strange about him is his awareness of personal space. He doesn't invade it in a typical way by coming and standing too close. It's more that he doesn't move out of your way. So he hovers in doorways when you are trying to get through them. Or hovers behind me when I'm trying to get dd ready to go out and gets in the way, so I usaully have to ask him to sit down or something. Does anyone know if this fits with aspergers at all?"

Besom - I used to say to my ex-h (recently diagnosed with Aspergers) that if we were alone in an empty room, he'd stand on my feet. You expressed it much more clearly!