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Original poster

Have I been dumped? You, the MNs decide...

56 replies

incandescent · 22/03/2010 20:11

Can't believe I'm in this movie yet again, but the jist is...

single mum in very small town, been seeing a lovely, kind, gorgeous single dad of said town for about a month. We've been taking it very slow (didn't kiss til 5th date and we've had great sex the last two times we met). However, he is very wounded, as XW left him for a childhood sweetheart and he doesn't really seem over it, despite this being 2 years ago.

Anyways, as I say, we were taking it slow but really I was starting to fall for him.

Then last Thursday, he cancels a date saying he has flu. I believe him and wish him speedy recovery, as he was due to take his kids away on holiday the following day.
I text him Friday hoping he's better and wishing them a fab time. He replies politely, but with no terms of endearment and no mention of when we're going to get together when he's back from holidays.

Now, he's on holiday with his kids, so I don't expect him to be texting somebody he's only been seeing for a month., but I would have felt happier if we'd arranged a date before he left. I've had no contact for 3 days now...the longest in our month together (he usually texts me a couple of times a day) Do I presume he's lost interest or do I remember that he's (rightfully) putting his kids first and may well contact me when he's back.

I'm over analysing, freaking out, but I just feel that he's lost interest and I'm very
It's ages since I've been dating and I feel woefully out of practice! Desperately trying not to check my phone every 5 mins and feel like a right sad bastard

So, to put a stop to this nonsense: am I dumped, or am I not?

OP posts:
templemaiden · 23/03/2010 20:09

He might not have dumped you, but he might not be that into you yet either.

I was going out with this guy for 6 weeks or so before I went away on a holiday with my children I had booked. I did text him when we left - he texted me a couple of times while we were away, and I texted him back a couple of times, and again when we got back.

But neither of us were really that bothered about the relationship and it fizzled out a short time later. And we DID text.

A few months later I met my now fiancé and from the day we met we either saw each other, phoned each other or video-MSNed virtually every single day from that point on. I would say in the last 16 months there have been maybe 5-8 days when we haven't made contact at some point. There was absolutely no doubt in either of our minds that we were very much into each other.

Now a relationship doesn't necessarily have to be that intense at the beginning to work out long term, but it doesn't sound like he's head over heels either.

But I could be completely wrong.

sparkybint · 23/03/2010 20:39

Actually, intensity right at the beginning can be a VERY BAD THING as I have learnt to my cost more than once. It can indicate shallow emotions as in easy come easy go.

You have to sit tight OP and see what he does when he comes back. Torture I know if you really like someone but it's the only way the relationship can continue, if it's meant to.

aseriouslyblondemoment · 23/03/2010 21:07

incandescent tbh i really couldn't say either way
alot of v.good advice has been offered so far esp.by juicy but templemaiden's post makes alot of sense
imho a relationship if it's to work shouldn't be hard work/leave you wondering or feeling angsty

emsyj · 23/03/2010 22:08

A man who is really really keen doesn't need you to text him to remind him that you exist. If this 'relationship' is making your head hurt, it's not the one for you.

No apologies for suggesting The Rules. Very happy for anyone else to say they're sexist shite - I personally think they're sensible advice for women who tend to over analyse and want to please. There's nothing sexist about valuing yourself highly and not chasing after men IMO, but feel free to disagree!

Good luck.

Original poster
incandescent · 23/03/2010 23:02

Update....still no communication....but he is travelling back with kids RIGHT NOW and not back on terra firma til tomorrow morning. I reckons he needs at least 24 hours to de-camp himself from holiday mode, so if I've not heard anything by Thursday, I will only consider myself dumped then.

But y'all be very pleased to know that I have not been thinking about him and have in fact been out drinking with my bestest lesbian friend, who has actually really truly been dumped, and who reminded me that really, friendships are 100x better than all this relationship bollocks anyway (and that women + women relationships are just as nightmarish as women + men ones)

I.will.not.text.him

I.will.not.text.him

OP posts:
warthog · 24/03/2010 21:27

keep us updated!

usualsuspect · 24/03/2010 21:35

I would text him...maybe hes wondering why you haven't texted him ...

overmydeadbody · 24/03/2010 21:35

You are over analysing, as you already know.

Loads of good advice already, but just a tip for the future: Don't ever make assumptions about other people. Don't assume that someone should say this or that or text this or that or text at this or that time, because they are probably not following the same script as you.

You think he needs 24 hrs to decamp himslef, well, maybe be needs 48? or 31? Don't make assumptions, you will only be let down.

Rindercella · 24/03/2010 21:40

Do not text him. You know he's on holiday spending precious time with his DC. If he'd had time for a chat he would have contacted you.

Every time you feel like texting him, post on this thread instead. I bet it will help you resist the temptation.

OMDB gives excellent advice in her last post too

thesunshinesbrightly · 25/03/2010 00:37

No i wouldnt text him. Does sound as though he's not that interested,
sorry.

ifancyashandy · 25/03/2010 08:55

Emsyj - absolutely agree, nothing sexist about valuing yourself and not chasing men. But The Rules is ALL about chasing men in a passive aggressive way. But each to their own and all that (apols for highjack - just needed to respond!)

templemaiden · 25/03/2010 13:52

Personally I would text him - once you know he's due back, just send him something nice and friendly, saying "Hope you had a lovely time x" and leave it at that.

If he doesn't respond to that, then you'll know. But he may well be wondering why you haven't texted him and think you don't care. He might think that you have dumped him!!

RubyPink · 25/03/2010 18:02

OP it's Thurs.... well did you?

Conundrumish · 25/03/2010 20:17

Well?

thesunshinesbrightly · 25/03/2010 20:42

Hope the OP come's back with an update, hate it when they don't.

jenduff · 25/03/2010 20:55
warthog · 26/03/2010 08:25

arhghghghghg

MorrisZapp · 26/03/2010 13:50

I'm a raging feminist and I agree that The Rules are basically shite, but in dating/ early relationship stages they WORK.

I forced my friend to read them at knife point as she was chasing after every man who showed the slightest interest in her. Cue instant transformation of fortunes.

I don't agree with all this nonsense about never see him on a Saturday if he rings later than Wednesday etc, especially if you've been together for a while, but in essence if you stick to the rules in early dating you will be much much more likely to get what you want, ie they guy to come after you rather than the other way round.

I hate that it is like this, but sadly, it is like this.

templemaiden · 26/03/2010 14:02

The Rules only work if the guy really likes you and has the confidence not to get put off by a woman who doesn't seem to care about him.

It won;t work with anyone who doesn't really care (which is good as we don't want them anyway) or with anyone who has low self-esteem, which would be a shame because there are some nice guys out there.

When I went on my first date with my now fiancé I had to dash off as my mum was babysitting and had asked if I could be home by midnight. Added to that the fact it was November and freezing and I didn't have a coat. So we said goodbye in the car park - I looked right into his eyes and said "I really like you and I really want to see you again but I have to go now!" jumped into my car and sped off.

And even with that, he told me later he wasn't sure if I meant it or was just putting him off. I got home to an email saying what a lovely time he had had! We never looked back.

The Rules kind of work but you have to apply a little common sense also.

I showed him the book after we had been dating for several months and I realised I had actually done a lot of them without realising it at the beginning.

MorrisZapp · 26/03/2010 14:07

Tbh I don't generally agree that some men need to be brought to the relationship as they are too shy etc.

Any man who had the nerve to ask you out on the first date has the nerve to ask you out on the second date.

I have had all these discussions with my friend who for years insisted that she should do the chasing as men were intimidated by her, scared to phone, suffering from shyness, and frightened of rejection.

These are (usually, ime) just self justification exercises that women tell themselves to feel better about pursuing men who have their phone numbers and know they're interested, but don't phone.

In almost all cases the men will cheerfully agree to another date, then not call again afterwards.

templemaiden · 26/03/2010 14:10

LOL - I actually asked him out. I said "Are we going out or what, then?"

But he did phone afterwards. And every night afterwards for hours at a time.

nappyaddict · 26/03/2010 14:12

Does anyone have a copy of this rules book going spare?

MorrisZapp · 26/03/2010 14:15

You can probably get it on ebay for a couple of quid. Or, just go to amazon.com (american site) and read the zillion reviews of it.

I think there's a Rules website as well.

In essence, you aren't supposed to phone a guy, ever. Or accept a date for the weekend if he phones you after Wednesday.

When he does phone, always be the one to bring the conversation to an end.

Don't let him meet your friends until he's introduced you to his friends.

Etc etc etc. ie, it's the stuff your mother always taught you.

templemaiden · 26/03/2010 14:24

I still always bring our phone conversations to an end, although not deliberately - it just always seems that he wants to carry on talking when I am dog tired and want to go to bed.

2rebecca · 26/03/2010 18:09

Have never followed those. I don't do playing hard to get and would never say I wasn't free when I was. I believe guys are either interested or they're not. If they're not I'd rather know sooner. Having said that if they say they'll call I leave it to them and don't chase them and in this situation I'd just be distracting myself with other stuff. I'd find someone who was persistently phoning and texting me a bit claustraphobic. I don't want to be the centre of someone's life and find very keen men a bit creepy.