feeling sick in my stomach again..

[Tinykins]

..becuase I think my dh and I are going down that road again that led us to seek counselling twice in the past 18 months.

I really though we had it sussed now with learning how to communicate etc but this last couple of days we have been mostly arguing again, and tonight when we had a disagreement which was then resolved I said that I hoped it really was put to bed and that it wouldn't come up again at our counselling review session in June. Dh then said "well I probably wouldnt use this example but there are NUMEROUS other examples I could think of where you really pissed me off..."

I felt my stomach lurch again into the tense knot that I felt 24/7 when we were going through our bad patches. I felt so upset, and like the rug had been pulled from under me. We have been doing so well, (I had thought) up and until the last couple of days and even then we have only been bickering not shouting matches) and then he hits me with this...I said how could you say such a thing to me, that's such a negative way to look at things when we have been getting on well again, and he just shrugged and said "I guess it's just a defense mechanism against all the hassle.."

I'm like, what hassle?? What is all this and why is all this anger and criticism coming out at me now?? I feel like he has been letting all this resentment buld up against me and I have no idea why. I am a SAHM. He is a very good provider and I have help 5 days a week with our 5 kids. In return I dont ask too much of him on the domestic front, he plays golf when he wants and goes away on trips with his brothers or mates at least 3 times a year.

I thought we had been doing well and now I feel like I have been living in a parallel universe that bears no relation to reality. I feel sick with dread that we are heading down that road again which ended up in relate after months of very debilitating stressful rows. It seems no matter what I do its not enough and never will be. I feel like a fool, and I feel scared, hurt let down and totally disconnected from my dh, becuase you see at times like this I feel that I mustnt know him at all.

Any advice would be appreciated. I may not post again for an hour or so as putting kids to bed, but I will be back. Thanks

Is it possible that he is depressed and is therefore just misrable; no matter what his life involves he's going to be grumpy and irritable?

erm, perhaps time to accept that you have come to the end of the road ?

2 bouts of counselling in 18 months and no lasting improvement doesn't sound good

is he verbally abusive towards you ?

because as far as I understand it, joint counselling will never work when one partner is abusive as they will use what is said in the sessions as yet another stick to beat you with

think about that

Please don't feel sick with dread. It must be terrifying and worrying, but there is another way to approach this.

It's the natural reaction to feel frightened and defensive when someone is attacking you, and criticising. A horrible feeling.

But often, when this kind of thing happens, you can look at it as an opportunity. It sounds mad, I know, but perhaps going to counselling, and listening to each other will be a good, positive thing. Especially if he feels resentful (whether this is totally unjustified or even just partly). You might find he'll go in there full of a whole load of stuff that the counsellor will help you both see is actually not quite right. He might be totally unjustified in being aggrieved, and you'll both discover that.

My advice is, take a deep breath and approach the whole thing with a sense that at least you'll get it sorted. It's ludicrous for him to be hiding this level of frustration.

He does need to acknowledge that living with someone else is a balance. Everyone gets pissed off with someone else's behaviour. A friend of mine has an 80/20 rule with his girlfriend. You love 80 percent, you tolerate the other 20 percent that pisses you off.

If a person is not tolerant enough to acknowledge that their partner is not and never will be perfect, then there might be a problem that neither of you can solve.

Good luck. Embrace the counselling as a positive force, and use it to help both of you see what is normal and reasonable.

Picmaestress thank you for your kind words.

We only have a review appointment coming up in June. If we want to start up a proper session of counselling we will have to wait at least 4 weeks so I am kind of stuck in this situation at the moment.

I just feel so upset and unsure of my ground. We have talked since earlier on, and he now says that he thinks that things overall are fine, but that if I were to have any criticisms of him at the review session then he could think of plenty too.

That's what hurts. I was looking forward to telling the counsellor that we were doing well and getting on,sure, we had our rows like everyone, but we were streets ahead of where we had been.

Now I feel like he has all these petty grievances stored away in case he needs them to rebut anything I might have said.

This surely isnt normal surely? If you love someone then why would you dwell on the negative..why doesnt he think of the positive things to say?

And no, he isnt depressed. I am pretty sure of that. He is just deeply disatisfied with me obviously, and I find this really hard to take. I feel really sad and let down.

Gah. Well, it's hard to say if it's normal. I think only you know what happens between you both.

What is for sure, is that it sounds like you're coming at it from two different directions.
What you should be wary of is either of him creating a situation where he feels 'justified' all of the time, or of you getting so frightened and confused that you can't think straight.

He's either behaving in a nice, kind, loving, supportive way, or he isn't. Only you can decide if his behaviour is intolerable. If you get the distinct feeling that he's bullying you, then you have a right to say that and say that you want it to stop. He's certainly threatening you with un-specific things which is not okay.

Oh, and you're never 'stuck'. Don't create a scenario where you have no choices. You do have choices, it's just that some of them are a bit unknown, or scary. That includes standing up for yourself.

Yes, that makes sense to me Pic. I do "feel" a bit bullied, but I am not sure whether that is becuase he is bullying me, or in fact I am just not asserting myself enough.

I do feel confused and unsure of myself, and that is not normally "me" as I am articulate and confident normally.

I dont understand why he feels the need to store up petty grievances in the hypothetical event that I might criticise him at a counselling session some time in the future..

I dont know why he is so defensive, hostile even. What I DO know is that I feel criticised, attacked, unsupported and misunderstood. And unhappy. Not ALL the time, as I said, things had been good, or so I thought. That's why this outburst of negativity is so upsetting, its seems to have come out of nowhere.

Thanks for your advice btw, it really helps to hear another perspective and I find it hard to confide in RL friends about this issue.

Well, if he's a good guy, if you let him know that his behaviour is rattling you, and making you feel really horrible, then he should hopefully stop it.
You do have a right to say how you feel...
Get some decent kip, and have a think. Everyone has rights and a voice, just make sure you still have yours, in a balanced and reasonable way.

Could it be just that he was feeling a bit negative that day. Think of it as male PMT!!

This weekend i was in a bad mood - nothing was 'right' - now in the past my h would take it all so personally and even look for negatives - now he sees it for what it is and 'ignores' me.

It sounds as if you 'care' aobut the marriage more than him and he knows it. You cant make him happy.

Try not to focus on it and hopefully it will be nothing. It is more important how you feel - if you feel happy just focus on that and then whatever life (or him) throw at you you will be ok.

I also wonder whether he actually wants out but is too coward to just say - and knows this would do this to you and so puts you in the position to 'end' it.

Good luck and let us know how it goes.