do you struggle to express emotions? shy away from affection and compliments?

[missdduke]

I just wondered if anyone could give me some insight into feeling like this?

My friend's (male) wife is making him so miserable and it's horrible to listen to. She is obviously very insecure and basically doesn't like herself (or so I figure).
She shies away from any kind of affection from him, if he puts his arm around her, she shrugs it off, if he goes to give her a kiss, she moves her head so he kisses the back of her head. If he gives her a compliment she totally ignores him, she won't sit near him in the evenings.

They've got 2 kids and she is a great mum in that kids are dead healthy, do loads of activities, well mannered and I have seen her giving them cuddles but not that many.

He says she refuses to talk about any emotion, she never cries, the only emotion she ever shows is anger when she'll suddenly blow up at him and accuse him of not liking her.

In many ways I feel very sorry for her cos she is obviously unhappy but I feel more sorry for my friend who is an affectionate/warm man and is constantly rejected and criticised.

She's always been like this by the way (apart from first 6mth honeymoon period), it's not an episode of depression.

I'm a very open, affectionate, emotional person (which has it's own drawbacks!) so i just can't relate at all to how her mind must work.

Can anyone relate to her and how she acts? and if so what could my friend do to try and make her happier?

Your friend should be discussing this with his DW and not you. I suggest you point him in the direction of Relate and not get into any conversations with him about his marriage. It maybe that his DW is not like this ie he is doing the equivilant of "my wife doesn't understand me".

You only have his side of the story. I assume she hasn't come to you and said these things as well.

Tread very carefully and do not get involved in other peoples' marriages.

I am coming at this from the point of view of my DH's affair, as soon as you start discussing your marriage with a member of the opposite sex, you are sending all sorts of hidden signals. I'm sure his DW will not thank him for discussing these things with you.

Sorry if I sound blunt but please, other than recommending Relate, do not get involved.

ok, i take on board your comments but he has actually been telling me and my husband, not me on my own and he is a very close and old friend...people of the opposite sex can be friends you know.

Would you say the same if it was one of my girlfriends telling me this about her husband?

I have suggested relate and he has suggested relate to her too, she denies there is any kind of problem and refuses to discuss her feelings or even his feelings. If he tries to bring up that he's unhappy with how things are she says 'i'm obviously a horrible person so why don't you just leave'

(i do take on board though that I can't sort out these problems for them, just wanted to try and help by seeing it from her side)

Are there any issues from her childhood do you know? What kind of relationship did she have with her parents or what kind of relationship did her parents have with each other?

It's different if he is discussing it with your husband present - please accept my apologies.

My DH would probably have said that I was very affectionate and didn't show him affection (in fact he did say that). The truth of it was that I had a lot of resentment and anger at some of the things that went on in the marriage that weren't fully addressed (even though at the time my DH thought they had been (to HIS satisfaction IYSWIM). Through the counselling we both gained a greater insight into ourselves and each other.

I really don't see what he can do if she won't agree to counselling. I wished me and my DH had thought of counselling but he thought I had the problem and I thought he had the problem and neither us could see what was really happening.

counting - yeah i can imagine that she may well think my friend has the problem, she never thinks anything is her fault, it's always the world against her if you know what i mean.

Her parents are still married after 35yrs but they don't (as a family ) seem very demonstrative towards each other. for example: they live far away so only see each other about 3 times a year, when they do get together they just sort of shrug at each other and don't really kiss or even say hello.
It's hard though not to judge people by your own standards isn't it? I hug my mum when i see her and she only lives round the corner.

We tend to behave in relationships as they have been demonstrated to us by our parents (they are our role models). So I behaved in my marriage like my parents did in theirs (not a good one BTW)and looking back now I can see I spoke to my DH in exactly the same way that my mum spoke to my dad and my DH's childhood was so dysfunctional that he didn't really stand much of a chance. We tend to hook up with people with the same sort of emotional baggage and in counselling we both had to "own" our behaviours.

He could try counselling on his own, tell his DW he is going because he feels unhappy in the marriage and give her the option of joining him.

When my marriage imploded (discovery of the affair) I booked counselling for myself and in the end my DH joined me as he and I were both horrified by what had happened.

Countingto10,

much as I appreciate your views, and of course it doesn't excuse your OH affair, but why do you automatically assume that because this man chooses to speak to a female friend it means something other than advice? As a man I would/do find it difficult to speak to my male friends about the emotional problems I have in my marriage, there are a few women I could talk to who wouldn't look down on me(although I haven't told anyone in RL about my problems. That is what they are, MY/OUR problems). But I would not be trying to trick them into doing something they shouldn't.

If the OP's friend can talk to whoever, male or female, and can get some good, worthwhile advice then it can't be wrong can it? Of course, if it is just a ploy then it's wrong. Just think that many times it is assumed it's because the bloke is trying it on. It may be he can't talk to his wife, or she can't talk to him. The OPs freind has said his wife won't talk to him, what the heck is he supposed to do? Just suck it up, I suppose.

Emotions can play a part whether it's physical or emotional.

If someone said their female friend was talking to their male friend about their marriage problems, I don't think it would generate the same reaction. Don't know if I am making sense.

Just my 2p worth. Probably not even worth that, what do I know?....lol

Posted while other were, so possibly repeating their advice/comments

My parents are like this, dad 82, mum 78.
I don't think I've ever seen her show him any spontaneous form of affection. It hasn't affected me, I'm touchy-feely to the extreme.

My mum and dad celebrated their golden wedding anniversary last year and love eachother to bits. They are as different as chalk and cheese.

ineedabodytransplant - i couldn't agree more, i have a lot of male friends who i discuss relationships with. I appreciate their male point of view and they appreciate just being able to talk about feelings and emotions (which most men can't do with their mates down the pub). There is nothing underhand in any of my friendships.

However, i can see that if you have experience of betrayal it would make you very wary of friends of the opposite sex

Missduke, exactly what I was trying to get across. If you have been betrayed then I assume all situations similar will make you think. But not all people are betrayers.

She could have Aspergers. The following are generalisations, but might give you an idea. Is she OK emotionally with other people? If she avoids social situations or reacts inappropriately, this can be an indicator. Similarly, if she lacks empathy. Is she seen as being selfish?

Even if you think she's unhappy, does she act unhappy? It may be that she doesn't understand how the world works, so that other peoples definitions don't apply to her.

About 5 times more males than females are diagnosed with Aspergers. Some professionals think that its more difficult to diagnose females as they are better placed to imitate behaviour, so it may not be so apparent. Both sexes tend to be higher functioning in adulthood.

My situation is that I think my DW has it, but refuses to consider that she might, so refuses to see a doctor. There are a lot of similarities between your friend's wife's behaviour and my DW

Do have a look at the Aspergers thread on here.