Idiot other half-what would you do?

[NancyPants]

OK....I am really really interested in your views on this.
Facts: been with partner 10 yrs, one 3 yr old child together, another on way in less than 5 weeks.

a few yrs ago we worked through a hideous situation where i found out he'd been cheating with bells on. this isn't the issue now, we did everything we could on both sides to get through that-by that i mean he worked hard to sort it as well as me, though it took a bloody long time. the reason for telling you this is because of the issue of trust on a more general level..

he is 13 yrs younger than me, we have been pretty blissful for last 4 years or so since all that crap settled down. the only issue that causes us grief is his occasional desire to go out and get legless and have a lost weekend(definitely not cheating btw). he has sometimes let our 3 yr old down in the past. actually, scrub occasional-it was a real problem (2 weekends a month or so) until about a year ago. i think he just started to grow up and my take on it is either you eventually grow up or you lose everything, so i think it's been a long slow realisation for him that that's true. he is a great dad, will do all the stuff i ask re childcare(and even manages without instruction occasionally!), we both work, him FT, me PT. i am finishing work next week, and was looking forward to handing over the reins on the life-organising front to him much more.

this is the pay-off: friday night he goes out , gets drunk and like the dick he can be sometimes writes his car off. he will get a ban, of course, plus our 2nd car is f**d with no hope of getting it back on the road through insurance etc.

this is not a one-off. he was banned during the bad times i referred to above. the odd thing is, he doesn't really drink, but when he does go out he clearly binges and can't hold it. obviously i realise that's as much of a problem as someone who drinks all the time.

and boy is it a problem now. i feel totally let down on the trust issue. the car is new, and i contributed more to it than i care to admit(yes how stupid); i've now got to face a pressure-filled maternity leave, getting my 3 yr old to and from nursery etc when i thought i could have some time to adjust with new babe(we have no nearby family, but i have lots of reliable friends). he now can't even drive me to hospital for the delivery and frankly atm i can't look at him without wanting to break his jaw. i have told him he can stay in the spare room solely because i am so near my due date, but other than that i feel the disregard and disrespect he showed to us when he made the choice to get pissed is fundamental to his attitude and it's made me think it's all been built on a pile of s**t, and that when i'm over the birth i should tell him to piss off for good.

what do you think? sorry for such a long ramble.

well - it depends what you want.

Can you see it as a stupid mistake?? If he did stop his drinking altogether could you forgive him and move on.

I think my worry is even though the behaviour is different it is a pattern. He is a boy and you allow this without any real consequenses.

I do empathise with you though as my h can be a bit of a dick like that too. Not quite as bad but he promises not to drink and then goes ott.

I think what is worse is the fact that you could have predicted it - and; yet he couldnt??

I dont really know what to suggest - dont do anything too near the birth and maybe see what he is offering to repair things.

Good luck

I'm inclined to think your last sentence is right....what a twat.

Drink driving would be a deal breaker for me. Not only did he put himself at risk, and wrote off the car but he also put others at risk.

How would you feel if he did this again and crashed into a car, killing innocent people?

Going out for a drink is one thing, getting completely trashed on occasion is ok but then getting into the car. Stupid twat.

Especially when you are reliant on the car and are now left without.

"i think he just started to grow up and my take on it is either you eventually grow up or you lose everything, so i think it's been a long slow realisation for him that that's true."

So... how long more are you going to wait for him to "grow up" and take responsibility for his own actions? are you going to be bailing him out ad infinitum just because he is younger than you? He might have been young when you started but I guess that after some years together he is older than he was then... can you see him for what he is, a grown up man and judge him accordingly?

Sorry for being harsh but, do you really need to be the mum of 2 small children and a teenager or someone that acts like one? If the answer is not, treat him like a man and let him go if he is not up to what it takes.

Hard to know what to say Nancy but I have a toddler and am 3 weeks off due date with number 2, and all I can say is that if DH left me with no car and no way of driving me to the hospital when I go into labour, I'd be fecking livid.

As you say, probably best for the time being to focus on having this baby and getting settled into a new routine, before making any big decisions about your relationship.

I think if it was me I'd tell DH he was 'on probation' and that if he could prove to me, by his actions, that he not only wouldn't do something so stupid again but would do his best to help, provide support, be a good dad, help around the house, organise other ways of helping you through maternity leave and early days with DC2, then he might well earn some brownie points and get back into the good books. This is his chance to prove himself.

Interestingly you don't say what his reaction to it all is - if he's apologised profusely / begged to stay / promised to change etc. Has he done any of the above?

Part of me thinks that you need to set boundaries on what's 'acceptable behaviour' with him, but the other part thinks that's treating him like a child (the age difference might be more of an issue than you think) and actually what you need is an equal partner who doesn't need to be told how to behave, but rather gives you the support of an equal who loves you and is there for you, with all the responsibilities that having two children entails.

If he can't do that, then you really are looking after 3 children rather than having 2 kids with an equal, adult, partner. And that's not cool....

I think you need to try and find out what he thinks his future holds (i.e. is he just doing a 'sorry Mummy I won't do it again' or saying 'sorry wife, I've been a twat, I will be there for you now as a proper, equal partner' - or none of the above?!) and how he thinks he can best make amends. Let him support you as best he can through these next few months and then see how you feel. If nothing changes / he continues to act like a twat then you might be better off without him, but that's a pretty big decision to make, and definitely not one to make with all sorts of hormones rushing around and sleep deprivation in the mix!

Good luck, I hope he gets his act together and gives you the help and support (and love) that you need. And make sure you get the number of a really good, reputable cab firm that's available 24 hours a day, for when you go into labour!!!

Do you think he´s hoping that if he behaves badly enough you´ll tell him to p!ss off?

Sounds to me like he has a problem with alcohol abuse which has surfaced at the worst possible time. I don't think he is an alcoholic but one step down from that. Alcohol abuse is a pattern of drinking which within a 12 month period leads to one or more of:

• failure to fulfil major responsibilities
• drinking when it is dangerous (e.g. whilst driving)
• recurring alcohol-related legal problems (e.g. arrested for drink driving)
• continued drinking despite relationship problems caused or worsened by alcohol

Sound familiar?

If he does have a problem with alcohol abuse, it may not be so much that he made the choice to get pissed as that he failed to make the choice not to get pissed, if you see what I mean.

Most people with this problem can stop without any outside help. They just need to sincerely want to cut back or quit. A few aren't able to handle it on their own and need AA or some other form of help.

I know the car and transport issues are the immediate problem but I think his drinking is the real problem. That's what you need to resolve.

Does he recognise that he's got a problem? Does he genuinely want to control it? If the answer to both questions is yes, you have a chance of getting it sorted. If the answers are no then I'm afraid it will carry on and you will have some hard decisions to make.

Good luck.

oh i totally take on board what you're saying Mongolia. have tried to treat him like that for some time, and he's definitely a grown man in my eyes compared with when we first got together. with regard to the length of time-i suppose i have felt that for me, having a baby and growing up(me) has taken its time so i wasn't too inclined to worry about time in the past. i made a conscious decision to stick with it, and it honestly has been worth it up to now-we;re still in love with one another for one thing though i'm not so daft to think that's the be all and end all.
Snowtiger i am livid. he wants to stay and has apologised, but what can he say? you're right-it's actions, as it always is,and this morning i told him more or less what you say re probation, but i left myself with the option of changing my mind and chucking him out if i want to!! it's a good idea asking him what the future holds. up to now, he had been behaving like an equal partner, and a good role model but he's just dropped all that down the drain.
-diddl, i'm pretty confident that's not the case, he loves us i know that, though of course i can't quite square that with friday night. after all I wouldn't ever do that to people i claim to love.

You are obviously at a child bearing age, so that would mean your partner is in his twenties, probably early twenties. I would think he is not an idiot, just very young. Most young men his age have a need to get "legless" for some reason.

I would say scold him, ground him, and wait until he grows up. You did know he was very young when you got with him, after all.

he's 27, nearly 28, and i'm almost 41.

27 is still quite young. Men mature so very slowly.

You've been with him since he was 17. Most men would find it difficult to settle down (or stay settled down) without having had a long period of wild fun & promiscuity.

my partner and I are one year older than you and yours OP and we have been together about 6 years - he has never done anything like this. But I had an ex, same age as me, mid 30's at the time, who used to do the same thing. Once he went to the pub that was it. Becasue he didn't do it all the time you would always hope that this time would be the last time. It never was the last time. Then, once, he got bladdered, crashed the car at 5am and got arrested and banned. He was an alcoholic. I would never excuse behaviour like that, or any bad behaviour, on the grounds of a man's relative youth. It is a cop out.

But the age and the age difference are not what this is about. He is a married man with a child and another on the way. He's nearly thirty for God's sake. Having said that there are threads on here about men in their 30s 40s and even 50s behaving in the same way.

It is not his age, it is him.

It is for you to decide whether or not you are prepared to put up with it. I am going to go out on a limb here and say that he seems to get off with things rather lightly.

He got drunk and drove his car without any thought for his children, you or the public at large. And he is still under your roof, in the dog house, waiting 'til it all blows over.

If he can only drink to the point of being out of control, even with relatively large gaps in between, there is a definite possibility that he has some kind of drink problem. He certainly ticks a few of the boxes doesn't he?

A person who drinks and drives has almost certainly got a drink problem IMO.

i am tending to agree with you mrs b, and other MNs who have posted about alcohol. as for his relative youth, i certainly don't accept NOW that youth excuses. i did no doubt when he did this last time, and CoteDAzur is right about (some) young men acting like idiots etc etc. the age difference isn't the issue, agreed.

thankyou all, you're really helping me.

His age is irrelevant, and I think that making allowances for his behaviour based on his age or the age difference is wrong and enables him to continue to live his life as he pleases.

What is this with the 'boys will be boys' excuse, and the 'some men find it hard to adapt to becoming a father'?

It is not easy for women either but I don't see you going on an all night blinder and drink driving.

And I could imagine the horror and judgement if you did.

He is a grown man. He is a father. He should act like a decent, responsible human being.

Deal breaker for me. Sorry. I can put up with all sorts when they don't endanger lives.

As somebody who watched her best friend at 15 get mowed down on a pedestrian crossing by somebody three times over the limit I have no time for it.

Your DP needs to grow a pair.

Sorry to be so harsh but I have no time and no excuses for drink driving.

I agree with last post too. i want to stress that i don't think his age is the factor here, nor my advanced years! just wanted to put it in context for everyone.

he has just rung to tell me he has booked an appointment with the doctor to discuss his liking for binge drinking though he said he appreciates it should never have got to this stage. it may be just words, but i suppose it's a start. and it wasn't at my suggestion, amazingly enough.

sorry, was agreeing specifically with MmeLindt, cross posting, but take it on board BBM

Nancy my xh did the same thing to me just before I had DS2 and as it was the second time he'd lost his licence he had to attend GDAS sessions before he could have his licence back, in fact I think it shortened the ban time.

So, he may be forced to face up to it whether he wants to or not.

That is good, Nancy, that he is doing something to address the problem.

Good news that he's going to see the doctor, especially if he's done that without prompting. That suggests he recognises that he's got a problem with alcohol and wants to do something about it. That is often the hardest step.