Should I stay or should I go?

[RedCloud]

Please help, I'm mixed up.

To cut a long story short I spose my question is should my happiness come before that of my child (and unborn child)?

I have been with my DP for 16 yrs. We met when we were young (early 20s) and grew up together really. One thing led to another and before I knew it we were expecting our first child together. That was 3 years ago and now number two is well on the way.

The problem is this: Our relationship has been up and down over the last few years, we would often go through 'wierd' phases where we wouldn't communicate very well, this for me being a struggle as I am (or was) quite a communicative person, although I feel I have become less so over the years since being with him. Often we would talk about breaking up although one of us would always end up saying we need to try and work things out, which is what we have always done.

Yesterday we had a big chat, realised a few things, including the fact that neither of us is making the other happy at the moment. Once again tho the chat ended in tears from both of us and the realisation that we have to work things out for the sake of our son and unborn child.

The thought of breaking up fills me with sadness - but not for me, only for our son. He is such a happy boy, and as we both come from a background of divorce and separation, neither of us wants our child/children to go through what we went through as children. Sometimes I feel a sense of relief when we talk about breaking up. I also feel excited for the future - surely this cannot be IT for the rest of our lives? I do love my DP but don't feel like I have ever TRUELY fallen in love with him - does that feeling truely exist I often wonder? The thought of being on my own is a scary thought but with one child I think I could cope, I have loads of supportive friends. Single with 2 kids though is a totally different kettle of fish and is a scary thought.

I see I have 2 options - one is to bite the bullet and end this before life gets even more complicated with baby number 2. The other is to make the best of our relationship, put in loads of effort and really make this work for the sake of the kids. I would do anything to keep my son happy and not have him go through the trauma of a break up. Is this so wrong?

Being in love very much exists, but it is possible to fall back in love in long relationships. It is trickier if that feeling never really existed in the first place.

Given that you are pregnant and that you both seem to want to make a go of this relationship, I'd really suggest couples counselling, especially as you have had communication difficulties in the past. It's difficult to see from your post what the real problems are, but honest comunication between couples has an amazing effect on the feelings you have for one another.

Hold tight, be kind and keep talking.
I found Relate good in the past about getting conflicting feelings straighter in my head. There were some days I felt desperately sad and frustrated and was giving up on my marriage. It's not perfect yet (is it ever?) but it's a lot happier and I don't find myself thinking nearly as often of separation. It's good that you both recognise where you are.

It doesnt sound like you are out of options just yet, i was in your place with dh 5 years ago, I stuck it out as did he and now I am happier and more in love than I have ever been.HTH.

Thank you all for your helpful suggestions.
I was half dreading coming back on incase people were saying get out now! Perhaps that tells me a little bit about how I am feeling - I do want to make things work - I guess relationships are never easy and effort is required from both parties, which is what we'll both work on. Thank you again.

You know, I am often the first person to say "get out now" to posters about their awful marriages, but in your case, it just isn't the case is it?

Real love is an action, not a feeling, and a good strong relationship reuires effort and work (although it should be worth it, it shouldn't be miserable or hard) and it just sounds like the two of you are not putting enough effort into your relationship, taking it all too much for granted etc.

It's good that you talk, but perhaps you need to both expand on this talking to actually doing, and making positive changes to help you get back on track, hlp you both appreciate each other more, both as individuals and as part of this rlationship.

I'd recommend you read a book called 'The Road less Travelled', it is really good.

Good relationships don't just 'happen' with no effort on wither partner's part, good relationships are things hat are worked on, assessedevaluated and re-evaluated etc etc.

You couldn't do a good job of parenting by just being, and assuming the parenting will just come naturally, it requires work and effort, same with jobs, you have to invest work and effort in them in order to do a good job, and a relatinship can be viewed the same way.

You were together a very long time before you had your first child. Things change when kids come along.

If you both really want to work it out and stay together you are half way there.

Honestly, I would try a bit harder, as i see it you have nothing to lose and everything to gain and truthfully, if you are really both pulling in the right direction then you should be able to sort it.

Relationships are not magic things from the ether, they are made by peple who either make choices to be with one another or make choices to end things. I feel that it is really up to you both and having children together gives you both a great incentive to really have a go.

I second Relate and all the other help you can get. I, for one really hope you can work things out together.

My parents aren't perfect, but one thing they do have is a good solid relationship with each other, where they're supportive of each other, have fun and work together as a team.

They met when they were 17, had me at 19, then two more kids and are still going strong almost 4 decades later. They are very different and could easily fall into the nagging-resenting-rowing cycle that is so common, but they (mostly) don't.

My mum told me years and years ago that at one point, in their early 20's when they were having an awful time, they both DECIDED that the WANTED to stay together and would work towards that. Consequently their rows would not be about splitting or not, but how they were feeling and how to make things better. She didn't tell me this as an advice, but it is still the best relationship advice I have ever had.

If you guys are both crying etc at the thought of splitting, and still have some love, respect and interest in one another, I propose you do the same. DON"T talk about splitting up, talk about what could make you/him more happy and what the other person can do to facilitate that (on equal foot of course).

Everyone (well, certainly I!) have periods in our relationship where communication is more awkward, where one feels bored/angry/resentful....but if you keep at the back of your mind that you WANT things to work, this passes. There isn't a happy-ever-after to be had unless you make it be so. Best of luck.

Redcloud No, there's too much going for you as a couple to throw the towel in now. I really, really recommend some counselling. I think you'll find you re-connect in a way you haven't in years and it's always worth trying to save a relationship when there is still so much love and goodwill on both sides.

What you perhaps need to focus on more than anything is your romantic partnership. All of us in long marriages tend to get so much else "right" - being good parents, good children to ageing parents, good friends etc. We often forget to be good lovers and romantic partners - and that is a mistake.

IME, a stronger romantic and sexual connection follows on from great comunication, so work on that first. One of the exercises you might want to try before (or independent of) the counselling is to each write a list of all the things you like and admire in the other. Only good things can go on this list - and don't get into a conversation at this stage about the times the other person is not like the thing on your list. Make sure at least some of the things are about you as individuals - and not about the roles we all play. So, there should be things which are highly personal, such as "I love your smell" or "I love your shoulders" as well as those that relate to personality and character (e.g. "I love your kindness, for example when you ran me a bath when I was unwell" or "I love your honesty, for example when you owned up to being undercharged"). I really recommend this exercise.

Good luck, it's so worth it!