Tempted husband (see other thread)possibly having breakdown??

[Seagullsrule]

Hello

Just wondering if all you helpful people could give me your opinions again? I posted recently about my husband being tempted by a woman at work - thankyou for your helpful responses (sorry cant do links to previous thread).
We've had some long talks recently and he's revealed that he has these 'surges' of feeling - relating to all different kinds of things not just the OW. He's lost about 10 lbs, looks drained, admits to being very tired, a bit teary (although he is quite a sensitive bloke normally - so not too out of the blue). The other day he even said he saw his boss (a man) come in from a run and really fancied him - although he was lauighing when he told me this.
I'm starting to think he could be heading for a breakdown or something. I asked him outright whether he felt he was teetering on the edge of anything, how stressed etc he was and he said that although he was tired he doesnt think he's on the edge or anything.
I've advised him to go to the gym this week (thinking that he doesnt do much excercise and it might help release some endorphins or something) but can anyone else advise anything (esp practical stuff) to help releave this situation?
Thanks.

It's probably linked all together with OW, midlife crisis, stress etc. I would suggest he gets himself some counselling and maybe you can get some couples counselling as well.

Our therapist said she just wished she could get to couples before one has an affair because of the damage an affair does. If my DH had recognised his depression, stress (well he did recognise it but didn't do anything about it) he may not have been "tempted" by OW and then we would not be still dealing with the fallout from his affair. He was not attracted to OW just the feelings she arose in him (after feeling depressed for so long) but he did not have the emotional intelligence to see that.

Good luck.

Seagulls, I remember seeing one of your most recent posts about the weight loss and the stress which he connected with the "tempation" story and admit I felt uneasy about it. It seemed rather extreme for what amounted to a bit of a crush. I wondered then whether he had actually been unfaithful and he was only telling you the partial truth, so that at least some of the story was "out there". Is that possible?

If you feel he is telling the truth, a visit to his GP would be best - and maybe a course of counselling. Given what he also said about his male colleague, do you have any suspicions that he might have been suppressing gay feelings for years? Or do you think that is also part of a cover-story?

I think a visit to the GP would have to be the first port of call. His thoughts appear to be becoming extreme which could be a sign of depression or a sign that he is supressing something which he may well need to talk about.

Seagulls - I do think he sounds very stressed about something. (Is the temptation you've posted about before possibly be a male colleague, do you think?) I am sure you are very worried.
I think you are rightly being very supportive of him, and right to be concerned. I hope he feels he can talk to your GP if he gets an appointment. Some men are reluctant to visit their GP if they're not 'coping' but seeing as he has lost a great deal of weight, maybe he will feel he can go under the pretext of checking blood pressure etc. and then open up.

do you think any dalliances with OW were a misguided attempt to allay any fears that he may actually be gay ?

to "prove" himself sooo hetero, IYSWIM

the weight loss and ilness behaviour, like wwifn says is extreme and out of proportion to what he is telling you

although it is completely obvious he isn't actually telling you the truth, I just wonder if he isn't working through a massive lie

the comment about fancying a male may have been an attempt to sound you out...to gauge your reaction to something

I actually feel there is lots more to come here

urge him to get some help

but, remember, whatever he is struggling with, you cannot sort it out for him

he has to take the initiative himself and stop bringing you down too...that is very, very unfair of him

Thanks everyone - I dont know about the whole 'gay' thing. blush although this could be confirmed by his sexual preferences with me iyswim blush.
I think I might suggest a visit to the GP under the weightloss pre-text. He is at risk of diabetes (not at all overweight but in his family) so myabe 'to get that checked'.
Not sure what you mean about bringing me down AF - I dont think its his goal/intention to make me feel rubbish?!
I've told him outright that there's nothing he can tell me which will make me hate him (unless he has hurt our children) and that even if it spells the end of our marriage I wouldnt want it to be the end of him too so would still help him if he needed it.
I'm paranoid that I dont do enough (cleaning, better house, be nicer etc) so am thinking of writing what I do do down to check its enough.

seagulls why on earth would you want to write down a list of what you do?

As gently as I can say this, you sound like you might be in a bit of denial about his leanings. Better to address this now, my love.

Seagulls again, very gently, this doesn't appear to be about you at all so whether you do "enough" is not going to make a difference.

I think, probably, your DH needs to see a counsellor, on his own, and perhaps you might benefit from some professional support too while this is happening.

I want to write the list so that I can see exactly how I contribute/where I could do more. I think I am naturaly quite lazy so if I write down what I do and then what he does I can see where to help more.
Does having a-sex mean he is gay?? (I seem to hear a lot of references on Mnet to bumsex but have never actually seen a thread that talks overtly about it!!). We've talked a few times about it in our relationship and he's always reassured me its certainly not the case - and I do feel he isnt hiding his sexuality with me.
His Dad is/was a womaniser and he keeps talking about not wanting to be like him.

By telling him there's nothing he can do to make you hate him, you are telling him you will have him on any terms, which is worrying.

Please don't make a list.

Whats wrong with the list idea??! I thought its good to give myself a bit of an audit..??

The list would only serve to highlight your faults to you. What good would that do?

This is not your breakdown (if that's what it is), it's his. You are not to blame.

writing a list is to be blunt, doormat behaviour. whatever is going on with him, it's not going to be solved by you doing the hoovering more often! you can't control his mental state, sure, show concern and suggest the GP/counselling, but beyond that, look after yourself and the kids.

Seagulls, because this isn't about you. If you cleaned from morning till night and behaved like a stepford wife, this wouldn't prevent your husband from having demons. Only he can sort those out. Of course liking anal sex with you doesn't mean he's gay, assuming he still enjoys vaginal sex too - but it didn't sound from your post as though that was the only reason you thought he might be suppressing gay feelings.

Really, this sounds like a mental health issue but I think he is either lying about something or in deep denial about what is really troubling him. In all probability, he needs to talk to a skilled professional, but since he's married to you, he needs to let you know what's in his head.

I think the need to write a list is bourne of your need to control the situation- which is an understandable feeling.

Unfortuntely, as has been pointed out, you can't control this one. Please don't try and take responsibility for your DHs problems- by doing that, you stop him having to. It sounds like he needs to take responsibility for his issues as much for his own health as for yours. Let him take responsibility.

*Unfortunately

seagulls...of course he is "bringing you down"

on your other thread you were frantically thinking of ways you could make him feel better

on this thread you are contemplating "writing a list to see where you could do more"

you have felt the need to post at least twice about the major problems in your relationship

you would support him in anything ?

are those the thought processes of someone who is fully supported by her partner and feels confident she is "not being brought down" ?????

you need to step outside of your denial, really

Sorry AF you need to spell it out for me. What am I in denial about??

btw, having a liking for anal penetration does not necessarily mean a man is gay

that is a possible red herring, but his other behaviour sounds very, very messed-up

I just did, seagulls, and I wasn't the only one

if you can't see it, a stranger over t'internet is not going to convince you by banging on about it

so I will back off

but one day, you will have to face the fact that your DH is not giving back as much as you are prepared to give him

Adding my voice to the ones already here - OP, it looks like your husband is going through some sort of crisis that is nothing to do with you. I really do get how hard it is to accept the fact - but try thinking of it as if he'd contracted an illness. Your current mindset is quite a lot like wondering if you could cure it by polishing the worktops! You've already told him you'll stand by him, and that's about the best you can do.

I agree you need to get him to the doctor. Meantime, please try to shift your focus away from him somewhat - you're becoming 'unbalanced', emotionally. It will be far healthier for you and your relationship if you invest your energies in yourself. I hope this plays out okay for you both.