Yet another affair. Practical advice please

[jennieflower]

I've posted in here before, but have just had another devastating weekend, and found out that P has been messing around again.

Last summer, the husband of a friend of mine came round, P was out, not sure where, so was my friend... Friends H asked to use my bathroom, when he came out he said that he thought our partners were having an affair. He'd found some photo's of a man wanking on his wifes phone and thought he recognised the bathroom in the background as mine. His trip to my bathroom confirmed it. He went on to say that he'd found photo's in her sent messages of her using a vibrator, etc etc

I gained access to P's phone bill and found that they'd been in touch with each other lots for around 3 months. Sometimes they were even messaging each other when I was in the room with them, how the hell did I miss that? There was no doubt that they were having a virtual affair, and although they both denied it, I'm pretty sure it was physical as well.

Stupidly, I didn't throw the bastard out, I was waiting to have a big operation so needed to keep him around to help with our to children, after that, Christmas was coming up and I was too weak to go through a break up, worried about upsetting my daughter, there just never seems to be a right time to make a clean break. Now I'm waiting to have another operation in which I'm going to be incapacitated for around a month. What a mess!

Since last summer we've been in limbo, P says he's desperate to make things right betwen us, he loves me, doesn't want to leave us, he wants us to go to relate counselling to fix our relationship, but he's not actually made any steps to book the counselling.

So lately he's been taking his phone to bed with him (we don't share a bed anymore), spends every evening tapping away on facebook chat, and changed his facebook password. I checked his phone bill again last night and found over the last few weeks he's been making loads of calls and texts to a new number, Upon asking him about it he dismissed me as paranoid so I called the number. It's another female mutual friend of ours.

I spoke to the lady in question, she's just seperated from her husband, my P told her we'd split for good and were only sharing a house for the sake of our children, he's a free agent. Our friend was mortified, really apologetic to me and assures me that nothing physical has happened, they've just been chatting and helping each other through their mutual bad patches. He did however spend the night at her house 2 weeks ago.

Now, all I want to do is get away from this man, I feel so trapped by our circumstances, we have a 7 year old DD and 18mo DS, I work part time and clear a few hundred pounds a month after paying the childcare bill, we have a huge mortgage which I can't pay on my own, very little equity in our house and another operation looming.

He's never going to change, is he? I'll never trust him so really don't see any point in carrying on. I can't carry on living with him whilst he behaves like this so what do I do?

I feel so helpless, in all honesty I can't see any practical solution to our problems so I'm just looking to vent really.

Do you have family or friends that could help after your operation? Could someone come and stay with you?
If you ask your OH to leave because of the unfaithfulness I'm pretty sure he will have to continue to pay the mortgage- you may not be able to stay there long term but it is your children's home and he has to support you. Speak to a solicitor before you do anything, find out what your legal rights are and then kick him out.
Awful situation for you.

go and get some bloody good legal advice - phone first thing tomorrow.

dont put up with this because your having an operation - the kids are still his and he will have to help out with them, just because you call time on your marriage doesnt mean he gets off all childcare.

id get legal advice, pronto. tell your friends and family as you will need support. but do it. sounds like your bubble has burst anyway so dont protect him.

its a shock but i think you know that he isnt going to change if he has had one chance already and blown it. good luck .

Thanks, I'm not sure why I haven't sought legal advice before now, I suppose I thought we'd eventually sort it out. Stupidly I can't see a future without him, I've got that awful feeling of grief in my chest, I've had it all day, it's a real physical pain. I just wish I'd picked a better man to be the father of my children.

I've just got the number for our local CAB office, I'll give them a call tomorrow morning as a starting point

So he is both literally and metaphorically a wanker then. No, I don't think he will change.

Jennie - I remember your earlier posts. The problem is - you keep threatening to leave him and yet...how many infidelities have you uncovered with different women now? This is going to sound harsh, but he probably doesn't take you seriously any longer - and thinks that it will all blow over yet again.

I'm so shocked at how often your "friends" seem to be involved with him - that's awful behaviour on their part too. The most recent one is talking rubbish. I'm sure he did say to her that your relationship was over, but even a woman who didn't know you would have satisfied herself that that was true, let alone a friend.

Cut your losses with him Jennie - I really do think he is a serial philanderer and unfortunately, there will always be some twit of an OW willing to believe his lies.

Please mean it this time - you're probably still relatively young and you possibly cannot imagine the peace you will gain from never having to second-guess him again.

Your forthcoming operation shouldn't make any difference at all. Get someone to help you recover and if he's not up to the job, looking after the children - don't let this be yet another obstacle to leaving him. He really won't change.

Jennie, grief is precisely the right word. It's such a painful emotion, it really does feel as though you can't survive it - possibly, your fear of feeling your grief is the reason why you keep fudging your way through crisis after crisis (I'm trusting WWIFN's summary on that, btw.)

WWIFN's advice is good, as always. Like all people in the throes of grief, you need support and the sooner you line up yours, the healthier your outcome will be.

Once you've carved out a space to feel your real emotions, let them happen. Ask for as much support as you need - in here, if you want, as well as in real life.

But do let it happen. Thinking kindly of you

Yes, get some legal advice so you know your legal position. And then have a long hard think about whether you are prepared to stay in a relationship with a man who is not going to be monogamous. Because he will NOT change. He is almost certainly thinking that you will just put up with it, and every time he is caught out he can boohoo a bit and promise not to do it again, and normal domestic service will resume.
Think about what you actually want. Is he a good partner in other ways (ie pulls his weight domestically, is pleasant company etc) to the extent that you would be happy to carry on living with him on the understanding that you are not in a couple-relationship and you are free to have other partners if you want?
Or do you want to be rid of him and make a fresh start?
The thing is, if what you want is for him to remain monogamous, I'm afraid that option simply isn't available so you need to pick one of the others. Sorry if that sounds harsh, but the truth is that stark an unchangeable. This man is not going to remain monogamous with you.

Fuck me, SGB, I'm glad you never answer my problems!

You are right here, of course ... I guess the joy of this site is the wealth of informed & varied advice

Thanks ladies, at 2am this morning your words felt really harsh, but its probably the mental kick up the arse that I need.

SGB you hit the nail on the head. Thanks for spelling those options out to me.

It's my daughters birthday today and our families are coming over this afternoon. I will keep things normal for her sake today, as he keeps telling me, this can't ruin her special day.

Good luck jennie: You will start feeling better soon, especially when you take back some control and have all the information necessary (just so he can't pull the other popular trick of men like this, the 'let's sort it out amicably without solicitors' which means 'I am going to screw you over one more time')

"as he keeps telling me, this can't ruin her special day"

Hmm = maybe so - but don't let him make you feel like you are ending this relationship. He ended it with his behaviour, not you.

jennie, I really agree with sgb

however, I don't think one of the options of living in the same house while he dips his wick wherever the fuck he likes would work for you

because I expect the self-entitled twat will just get on with it while you are stuck at homes with the kids, humiliated and beaten

your friends ?? Fuck, he needs castrating, the egotistical tosser

not a good scenario, is it ?

get some legal advice...you may be pleasantly surprised about how much he will be forced to support you

nd stop rationalising his appalling treatment of you...you are no better than a domestic appliance in his eyes

if you make one more excuse not to kick this bastard out, you are colluding with his lack of respect for you...and he will continue to do it time and time again

Also, given what he's said about "not ruining" your DD's birthday, I fully expect that he will try to place the blame on to you for breaking up the family. Do not accept the blame for this. He broke up his family with his behaviour.

It's really good to have other people reinforcing my opinions. Of course I know it's not my fault, I'm not splitting up my family, he's already done that, but he keeps laying the blame at my feet.

I've made an appointment at the CAB for this Thursday (my first day off work this week) to get the ball rolling.

I'm after a bit more advice, I think I've finally got through to him that it's over, he goes from asking me to give him another chance to saying none of it matters anyway, he was free to mess around with the latest woman because I'm made it perfectly clear I wasn't going to forgive and forget his previous infidelity He went "fishing" all weekend, had a shower and shave before he went which is really rare for him nowadays. He's planning another all night "fishing" trip this weekend. Hmmm

I've been asking him for the last two weeks to make an appointment with relate, he saved the number onto his phone but never actually bothered to make the call, despite me asking him several times a day. I called yesterday and am waiting for someone to get back to me. Just to make it clear, I'm not going to relate to try and fix our relationship, just need help to deal with the aftermath with the children and for my own sanity.

I went to CAB last week and explained my situation. They didn't offer much advice, just told me what tax credits I can claim etc. They've made me an appointment with a solicitor which is next tuesday. In the meantime I'm worrying myself silly about finances. So I've looked on the CSA website and calculated that he'll need to give me £83 a week in maintenance payments, that's not enough

What about our mortgage? The house is in joint names so would he be obliged to help me out with that as well?

Try to negotiate with him whilst he feels guilty, see if you can get something in writing about payments....don't go to the CAB unless he offers you less than £83. You would keep the house and he would have to keep you in it, I think. If you are incapacitated for a month he will have to care for his children, he's not helping you he's being a father.

The bit I'm confused about is keeping the house. I do think he'll eventually move out if I push him hard enough but I'm worried about paying the mortgage. £83 a week is less than 20% of his salary and we have very little money spare with both of our wages coming in.

I've booked my first relate session, it's this Thursday. What should I expect from this? I'm going on my own this time, he might join me for a few more sessions after this depending on how I feel.

Oh and with regards to my "friends", the wanky photo one from last summer was a really good friend of mine. We used to speak on the phone several times a day, I told her loads about our relationship, she even came over to see me with wine and strawberries several times while I vented to her when I suspected him of having an affair originally, obviously I had no idea that it might be her! Devious bitch

This latest woman is a mutual friend, we live in a small town where everyone knows each other, We were invited to her wedding a few years ago but in all fairness we weren't in regular contact lately, she didn't know about all the other affairs... She does now. From reading his phone bills it would appear that this has been going on for just over a month. She split from her husband about a week after the phone calls and texts started, the same weekend he spent the night at hers.

I think I need to be a lot more careful about who I let into my life in the future. Maybe I've been really unlucky but I'm definitely a wear my heart on my sleeve kind of a girl, I always thought that was a good thing!

Can't advise you about finances I'm afraid and have never been to Relate, but Jennie, why is he still there? There's something in your recent posts that makes me worry that you're going to forgive him again.

Please don't.

WWIFN, I'm definitely not going to forgive him again. In all honesty I wish that none of this had ever happened, but since that's not an option I'm trying to work out a life without him in it.

He is refusing to leave because "it's his house too" and he has nowhere else to go. Jointly we have no money for him to rent a place so I can't see a way around that. Legally I can't force him to leave and he knows that.

I've told him that unless he moves out I'll have to move the children and our dogs elsewhere, he still won't budge.