Love or Lifestyle?

[talie101]

I met a really lovely man who would give me and my dc's a very comfortable life. Not talking millions by any means, but more than I've had before, but the only problem is I'm not sure I'm attracted to him physically.

I usually know straight away if I like someone or not and don't usually stick around to see if love will grow on me - can this happen? Does the attraction have to be there straight away for things to work out?

I don't know whether to give it a try because he is lovely but on the other hand I don't want to lead him on in any way and end up hurting him or waste time with someone I may not end up loving when I could be out dating and meeting other people. I'm only mid 40's but time is passing by

I have been mourning a man for several years, I am still convinced he was the one. I didn't feel any attraction for him when I met him, but because we had the same outlook in life I someway expected it would come, and boy... when the atraction came, it was amazing.

I would give him the chance, say 3 months and if after that time things have not flourished, let him go.

If material things and not minding being dependent on a man are important to you then go ahead but I would rather find someone I really clicked with and fancied rather than just for the fact they could give me and my dcs ' a comfortable life'.

What about you trying to give your dcs a comfortable life?
They might not be happy with a new stepfather?

I know it's not easy I am a single parent myself but would hate to look upon a man as a meal ticket and don't have much respect for someone who does.

Sorry to sound so harsh btw jmho

IME long lasting attraction isn't always instant so I would give again up to 3 months to see what develops and if nothing does then go your seperate ways.

was that to me whiffy?

Imagine if a male widower/divorcee for example came on here and said I have met a wonderful woman who will be a great housewife and look after my kids but I don't fancy her?

I just wouldn't expect any new man I met to cough up for my dcs.

Thanks for your opinions.

I'm not a materialistic person at all. I manage to pay the bills but no real luxuries - ie would love to have a family holiday etc. I could only see myself being able to provide more for my dc's by sacrificing the time I'm lucky enough to spend with them.

Don't want this to come across the wrong way but recently I have been attracting wealthier men, for whatever reason???, and each one I have turned down - one even said he didn't care if I didn't love him straight away (I was quite shocked!). I usually go for men that I'm attracted to straight away but as time goes by and I'm still single 6 years down the line, I'm wondering if I ought to be giving them a chance?

This last man just got me thinking - he really likes me, has so much respect for me and has said so many lovely things that I wonder if I would be missing out on something special. I just couldn't bear the thought of me hurting him if I couldn't get passed the 'attraction' hurdle though.

Just stick to dating don't let it go any further and give them and you a chance to get know them better. We are actually trained to be instantly attracted to someone most like our opposite sex parent and we make that decision in something ridiculous like 10 seconds!

depends. when you say your not attracted physically.

do you mean there's no instant spark, or you actually find him a turn off?

if it's just the spark thats missing and you find him good looking but not "phwoooar" as such. then you could take the time to get to know him better and see if you find an attraction.

after all. looks fade eventually. his personality remains.

but if you are actually repulsed by his looks then it's pointless. walk away and leave him to find someone who appreciates him for his looks, personality and his bank balance.

Was to OP

respect her honesty though

I was with a woman for 10 years who was never really attracted to me (it took me a long time to realise it). It all fell apart when she found someone she really was attracted to...

If anything develops over the next few months, then fine. Otherwise you owe it to him, yourself and your kids to call it a day.

I believe attraction can grow without being there in the beginning and have known this to happen out of a long term friendship. However when you are in a relationship such that there is pressure for that attraction to grow then it does not tend to happen unfortunately.

There has to be a spark there at the end of the 6 months I agree it just doesn't need to be an instant one!

Didn't fancy/wasn't attracted to my dh until I'd got to know well.

I should add however, that I don't think anyone has ever had an instant attraction to me (I'm nothing special to look at). Relationships with me have always been developed over time.

No, its never worked for me. I have always known right away or after a very short time if i feel an attraction to someone. If its not there, it just isn't, and its never come even though I have become good friends with them and would have liked there to be some attraction.

Well, date him for a little while. Date him up until the point where it seems sort of reasonable to consider having sex with him. And if at this point you feel like throwing up, then decline him politely and move on.
Because you might think that you could grit your teeth and submit to regular sex with a man in exchange for financial stability, but if that involves living with a man who you find sexually off-putting then you will soon stop liking him and start hating and resenting him. Those sex workers who are making lots of money and not coerced into sex work retain the necessary detachment by not seeing clients that often and not having to pretend that they 'love' the client on a 24/7 longterm basis.

I married a man I wasn't strongly attracted to, I knew there would be security and stability and we got along well. We seemed to have plenty in common and got married after two years together. Nearly 16 years later, and I have known for the last ten years that our feelings for each other were not enough to sustain a long term relationship. I was 28 when we married, childless, attractive, intelligent...what was I in such a bloody rush for that I settled for him?!

I could never do this. I dated a lovely guy for a few months when I was in my early twenties. We had everything in common, and while he wasn't rich then he was so clever and cgarming that I knew he would be a huge success in life. He was completely crazy about me, but I just diddn't feel enough physical attraction. So, I broke his heart, and now he is wildly rich and successful. And I am very happily married to a completely gorgeous fork lift driver,with no regrets at all. We might not have loads of fancy holidays, but we've had a few, and we can have just as much fun camping in the rain because we love each other like mad.

charming

Years ago, I posted this exact question in another forum! (Though I entitled it "Am I shallow?")

I decided it was unfair to him to develop the relationship any further. He went on to marry someone more - er, shallow and is now very unhappy. He doesn't deserve that, he's a nice man.

It's up to you of course: in a way, you'd be taking on being his partner as your 'job'. But couldn't you get an actual job, and hang on for someone who does make your tummy flutter?

DON'T DO IT! I did, and now regret it terribly. I wish I had waited, as ItsGrace says, for someone who makes my tummy flutter. Life's too short, you know? Don't settle!

I was in your position and the bloke in question promised me more babies, financial security, etc, and he was a genuinely Good Bloke. Better than dc's father. I didn't get together with him, broke his heart, and a few years later met someone who did make my soul sing.

What I told myself was that it would be too unfair on him. Someone might come along who was right.

Imagine old age with him. Old age lasts a long time these days. Would you change his nappy?

Actually, the only way this kind of relationship has a chance of working out (or not ending in mutual loathing) is if both sides see it as striking a deal rather than anything desperately romantic. If you want financial security and he wants your love it's a disaster, and it;s not great if you know he is going to want lots of sex and you are not remotely attracted to him. However, if he wants to marry you because he wants a housekeeper, or a glamourous-looking trophy wife, or to present a heterosexual appearance when he's a gay man who feels the need to keep that quiet, as long as the terms of the deal are agreed and understood and there is mutual liking then you might be OK. Another way it could maybe work out is it both of you want to be parents and neither of you is very bothered about romantic love - to the point where you could accept living as co-parents and having other causal partners...

Thanks for all your views.

I knew what my answer was I guess but just wanted confirmation. Love/attraction has to win the day hands down over money and lifestyle - if it didn't I think I'd have said yes to the ones richer than him!

I'll politely decline any further dates...