Long one sorry, but I am in a mess and my counsellor is on holidays and I feel like I will go crazy if I can't vent it out.
We live and work overseas in a country and culture that is the opposite in every way of our own. It has been a very stressful time for the past 3 years due to my husband's employer not paying him for months on end and accomodating us in basically a cement box where I got gawked at and approached as soon as I stepped outside.
The stress of all this meant that I went back to our own country for 4 months last year, which was sort of a separation as well. I decided to give it another crack and returned here in July to my job and better accomodation arranged by my employer.
A few months before I left here, my husband started using Facebook and made friends with his exes including one ex Fiancee from about 18 years ago. I used to check his messages as I had his password and even then he was way too intimate with this particular ex. She is divorced with 2 kids and lives in our home country. I know from messages that he was arranging to have dinner with her (and the messages read like it was a planned shag, not just dinner) when he came back to see me whilst I was back there. He lied about this and said he was meeting an old male school friend. For various reasons (ie me deleting the messages that had her phone number) he didn't end up going to this dinner.
Then when I was back here last December I logged on and saw that he was having the instant chat with her and basically it started as reminiscing about all the rooms they'd shagged in and then progressed to cyber sex. This was while I was pregnant and hadn't stopped vomiting for 10 weeks. Anyway I had a meltdown but he didn't know what it was about and I have been seeing a counsellor to deal with these disloyalty issues of his.
All has been great since about January, he has actually been positive and happy as he has changed jobs and on Friday he said the nicest thing he has ever said to me.On Saturday, I opened up the computer and his facebook was still open - there is a return message from her, all chatty and saying that sorry she missed him on line and to just message her and she will be online for him whatever, wherever, no matter what and signing off, 'Take Care Gorgeus xxxxx'.
Whilst I was in my home country he took a preplanned holiday in June, with other friends that I would have gone on if I was here, I know that he shagged a friend of the friends who was also on holiday. He totally denies this even though there are messages on his phone which cannot be misintrepreted. I was able to justify this and work past it as it was whilst we were separated physically and he was still in a mess emotionally. However, he refused to cut contact with her (she lives in an Asian country) and she would put stuff on his Facebook wall which was evident that they were also private emailing as she knew things about our life that wasn't on Facebook. Now she has 'blocked' me on her Facebook!!! which grates like hell.
Yesterday after reading the exFiancee message I just couldn't contain it and started crying, he asked 'what have I done, what have you found?', I said that I was just exhausted and emotional and felt rotten about myself because I am 28 weeks pregnant and look like an elephant has invaded my body. He came in to ask what the matter was whilst I was sobbing in the shower and I asked him to leave the bathroom. He later said that that was the first time he has tried to console me and I pushed him away, so no wonder he never shows any concern when I am sick or upset.
I apologised and now he is furious with me for breaking down and won't talk to me and will not accept my apologies. I didn't sleep at all last night and am just exhausted physically and mentally and still holding down a job.
What do I do? Am I reading too much into the message? I want to ring or email her and tell to just back off, but it's not her, it's him. But I was the sneaky one who read the message in his private Facebook. Do I tell him what I saw and give him an ultimatum? But he just believes his own lies. Do I just think that because of distance that it can't get physical, so just shut down and let him go on with his games. It is just very hard to be pregnant in a foreign country and dealing with this, I don't know what to do.
Sorry this has been so long. It just pisses me off that these women would not stand a day in this country and yet he has never turned around and acknowledged what I endure here.
We have been married for 10 years and together for 12. This pregnancy will be the first kid.
Thanks for listening/reading.