Why does she do this all the time.

[patheticsoandso]

Sorry if this turns out long. Am a reg, but have name changed because I am ashamed of myself.

I have loads of issues with my mam. I need to cut her out of my life, but can't find the strength. She is very manipulative, makes me feel so awful about myself half the time, and goes in huffs if I step a foot wrong. She lied to me about who my dad was. She blamed me for her and the man I call dad splitting up, even though she was having an affair. Apparently she couldn't leave my dad when I lived at home because I am too emotional.

She favours my sister, always has done, and her daughter, buys her new clothes, toys etc, when my children don't get anything off her as she claims she never has any money. She used to look after DS1 every Monday when he was a baby and I went back to work. This stopped as soon as my neice arrived 11 months later as my mam wanted to look after her so my sister could go back to work. She even changed her shifts at work to do this. My sister lived with her at the time. My sister is equally manipulative, and hates to see me getting any attention from my mam or dad.

Yesterday my sister and I met her at Tesco as she was going to buy my 3 sons and my neice (G) some clothes for Easter. So I pick something for my eldest, she decides she wasn't spending enough on him and picks up an additional item. Fair enough. I pick another outfit for my DS2 (he has autism) and she said it was too much to spend on him (less than DS1's I add) and that I had to choose something else, which I did. I also picked an outfit for DS3 and she didn't even look at the price tag, but it was equivelent to DS1's three items. She doesn't like DS2, can't understand him and is quite embarressed by the fact she has a disabled grandson. The way she describes him to people is awful.

When it came to getting my neice an outfit she chose one herself, and then also picked up some socks and some shoes for her. She then added "I'm getting G some shoes, I don't have enough for your children, just G". My sister was also showing my mam a coat that she liked for G, which when they thought I wasn't looking, my mam slipped her the money for. My sister can afford to get her daughter new clothes and shoes, but likes to rely on other people to buy them so she can buy herself new clothes. She lives with her boyfriend who earns quite a bit and gets more than enough CSA money form her daughters dad to pay for stuff she needs.

Today I turned up at my mams, and G was wearing another new outfit that my mam had bought her yesterday. She claims my sister bought it for her, but I knew my mam had as she had only been talking about the exact same outfit days before.

My kids, half the time, wear second hand stuff as I can't afford to buy them new clothes every month. DS3 has had hardly any new clothes as most of the stuff he has had since birth have been generously given by friends. DS2 wears most of DS1's clothes once he has grown out of them. They have 2 pairs of shoes, one for school and one for home.

I am jealous of the attention my neice gets. It reminds me so much of the attention my sister got when we were growing up, how I always got 2nd hand clothes and was never allowed named brand trainers, yet my sister had it all. I feel so sorry for my boys, sorry that they will grow up and realise the nana is a complete bitch and doesn't really care for them, sorry that I am not strong enough to stick up for them.

I really am pathetic. I can see this happening, and yet can't say anything because I am afraid of hurting her feelings. She will make me feel like she is the victim if I mention this to her.

Thanks for reading if you managed to get to the end.

you know what you have to do don't you?

Whether you find it hard or whatever, you have to do this.

It's OK(ish) for now, your DC won't see it, but in time they will see that your mum doesn't like them as much, and that she is ashamed of DS2 - I'm so sad for him for that, poor mite, as if he hasn't got enough to contend with, a crappy grandma too?

Bugger feelings, how would you feel if anyone else was abusing your DC and you as much as your mum is?

Just take a deep breath and don't pick up the phone, don't agree to go around there, pretend you are ill, cry off whatever is planned, until you get into the hang of cutting her off.

But cut her off you must, she is TOXIC. Your mum has been doing this to you all your life, and you were powerless to prevent it, you were only a kid and she was your mum. Now, Mummy Bear, someone is being mean to your cubs.....

For the love of your kids, for the love of God..ROAR!!!!!

Like many adult survivors of toxic parents you are trapped in what is called FOG - an acronym for fear, obligation, guilt.

You were emotionally abused by her as a child and it goes without saying that she was completely wrong to blame you for her poor decisions and life choices; choices she herself made. Unfortunately (and that is an understatement) you became her scapegoat and that is the role you were (and remain) cast within that particular dysfunctional family unit. Your sister was cast as the "golden child" within that unit. It is all too clear to see that your sister learnt about manipulation from her mother; she is damaged too.

You may want to read "Toxic Parents" written by Susan Forward as a starting point for you. You may also want to talk with a counsellor; BACP have a list of counsellors and they do not charge the earth.

If you have not already done so I would also suggest you read and post on the "Stately Homes" thread that is on these relationship pages. You will also get support and understanding there.

Toxic people as well are adept at passing on their issues to the next generation. One generation i.e your good self, has already been profoundly affected emotionally. Do not let that happen to your children. They do not need such malign and toxic presences in their lives. And neither do you.

You can reclaim your own life if you want to, by posting you have made a small start towards that end. You actually have something that your Mum and sister will never have - insight and the knowledge that this treatment of you and your own family unit is wrong.

You will never get an apology from these people for their continuing ill treatment of you. They likely think they have done nothing wrong and are quite happy to give you a laundry list of your own supposed shortcomings in response to any perceived attack you make on them.

Take pride in your DCs 2nd hand clothes, at least you have bought them youself (nothing wrong with repsents, just your sis seems to take the piss). Take a step back, leave them to it. Your mum'll end up skint and your sister dependant on her mum to clothe her child.

I know how mothers like this can turn it all round and make it your fault - but it really, really isn't.

As time goes on, you will just get more resentful of this, she will notice and have a go at you for being difficcult, or overemotional, or selfish, and so on.

I wouldn't give her the time of day, you don't need her money or mealy mouthed 'presents' - nothing wrong with hand-me downs and 2 pairs of shoes, you will feel much happier if you aren't putting up with her crap.

But I know it's easier for me to say this than it is for you to do. I had to do it once, I know how it feels!

Best of luck to you sweetie, keep posting, and visit the stately homes threads in 'Relationships.'

Oh and you aren't pathetic either! She is!

Babes, you're so far from pathetic, it's pathetically sad that you say it!

Your mam has ishoos. There is nothing you can do about that - repeat, nothing you can do about it. She will not suddenly grow a new, sensible head. She won't suddenly see that you're worth at least as much as your sister. And so on. If it's any comfort (cold comfort, maybe), it says that she has suffered in her own life, and is still suffering emotionally.

But there's nothing you can do to change it.
Bummer

You might be surprised if you could see inside your sister's head! The "golden child" often knows damn fine what's going on, but is powerless to change it; nobody can. After you've fixed your attitude, your conversations with her might alter beyond belief. But don't bank on anything right now, it's a long process and she may not choose to look very hard at what's happened.

I am sure lots of people here will tell you to sever all contact. This works well for some people and I'm not knocking it. It wasn't right for me (I value my family, flawed as it is) so my take would be more like Lemonade's above. Be proud! And take several large steps back from the mam-sister-you dynamic, so you can watch it all taking place like watching Corrie on TV

If you haven't already, please read the intro to the Stately Homes thread. It contains excellent advice.

Have great easter, too! I bet your kids'll look fantastic

My sister was the "golden girl" and actually has had a much harder time than me...the scapegoat.

It was/is easier to wash my hands of the lot of them, because they are so horrid to me.

My sisters however still are enmeshed in my mother and her personality disorder. Sadly so was my ex h and currently my h.

My poor sister had to listen to the gory details of my "mothers" affairs and her sex life. She was my mum's "best friend" at ten years old. It has really screwed her up.

It really fucking hurts, but at least you have an escape route. You are NOT pathetic. You have the chance of something much better for you and your kids. Break the pattern. That doesn't necessarily mean severing all contact, like I have, but it means being very aware of what is going on and how it works.

Inform yourself, read. post here, talk to people who know about this stuff.

Thank you everyone. I know what I need to do, I am just scared of the repercusions (sp?). I cut her out a few years ago when her current husband threatened to punch my face in and she took his side. She gradually wormed her way back in via the children "I'll buy DS1's birthday cake", "I've bought the boys some new clothes" etc, and I stupidly let her back in.

I am going to try be stronger and gradually cut her out. She knows I am not amused by the whole clothes thing.

I actually had a massive go at my dad yesterday, because he does similar, but not to a great extreme. I can understand why he does it, and he did apologise, he said he didn't realise. He has my neice once a week while my sister works. I think I was just taking it out on him, and he didn't deserve it. He doesn't know I know he isn't my real dad either, but it doesn't change anything, he is the man who raised me and I have such espect for him taking two kids (me and my brother) on that aren't his own an raising them as if they are.

I've attempted to come onto the Stately Home thread, and have writen my post several ties over the past year or so, but lose my nerve. I might try and post in my real nickname, it would be lovely to talk to people who are having/have had similar experiences.

Your Mum and her current H sound like a right pair. They are both toxic damaged people. Not you fault this happened to them, they made their own choices here.

Your Dad sounds like he was the "bystander" within the dysfunctional family unit you had when growing up; he acted out of self preservation and want of a quiet life. He failed to protect you and your sister from her excesses of behaviour. Am glad you talked and he actually apologised (not many do). Actions though speak louder than words, see how he behaves in future.

You can and will manage very well without the malign prescences of your Mum and her H in your life. You can and will survive without them in it.

Do post on the Stately homes thread, don't lose your nerve this time. You will get support and understanding there too.

You can break the toxic cycle that your Mum and sister have made for themselves.

Do read "Toxic Parents" if you have not already done so.

Please don't be ashamed, you have nothing to be ashamed of but they do.

If you can't cope with cutting them out completely at least distance yourself from them - I think you will feel a weight being lifted if you are not too closely involved with them. That way, they can get on with it without you having to witness their unfair actions. I think you will feel so much stronger within yourself if you do this.