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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

How do i cope with my boyfriends low libido?

53 replies

notsoscaryclairey · 20/03/2010 14:59

Hi all,

I'm new here! I'm a 35 year old divorced Mum to two lovely boys. My marriage ended badly due to domestic violence 6 years ago and i was then single until meeting my boyfriend 18 months ago.

He is very kind, wonderful with my boys, generous, funny and basically a lovely man whom i'm deeply in love with.

Our problems (or my problems) lie within the emotional side of our relationship. These have been there since the start but being a woman i thought it would be alright over time.

He has such a low libido but it's more than that. He doesn't like kissing, a peck is the limit, cuddling although he does do this, or sex.

When we do have sex it's approximately once every two months. He doesn't really participate even when we do, doesn't touch me or like to really do much. So as much as i desperately want to make love when it does happen i feel crushed as i'm not sure he's with me, if that makes sense?

If i tell him i love him i get a reply of 'cheers' or 'ta' and if i ask him if he loves me, he says 'i'm alright'.

I've obviously tried to talk to him but i get nowhere and if i push it he thinks i'm moaning. From the things he does, i think he loves me but not hearing it or being sure makes it quite tough, more so i think with the other things too.

We don't live together, he shares a house with two other people, he's not ready to move in yet although he does spend probably five nights a week here out of the week.

As i've said i love him dearly, i really do. Is this nothing major as he says, as we're a great team and he does make me happy? Am i being over emotional? Can i do anything to draw him out of this place he won't seem to let me in to? Should i just drop it and be thankful i have such a lovely man?

OP posts:

thesunshinesbrightly · 20/03/2010 16:36

I really feel for you notsoscaryclairey I could not imagine how you feel,sorry if you have already answered this question, do you love him?

Spero · 20/03/2010 16:39

sunshines? why are you sorry to ask? better to know than base everything simply on your own (lucky) experiences

Original poster

notsoscaryclairey · 20/03/2010 16:41

Oh absolutely i do! I think he loves me back too, i just wish he would say so! I've not done this to slate my man, although i probably have. I've done it to see if i was being selfish, wanting what he didn't. We do have relations just very infrequently.

OP posts:

thesunshinesbrightly · 20/03/2010 16:42

spero Because i didn't want anybody to think i was being insensitive by asking.

Original poster

notsoscaryclairey · 20/03/2010 16:45

I'm thankful for you being interested, not something i would feel happy about talking to people who know him too about.

OP posts:

Spero · 20/03/2010 16:47

sunshines - it would help if you didn't express such extreme surprise. Maybe I am being way oversensitive, but one of the awful things about being in a relationship like this is thinking, it must be ME it must be ME who is so unattractive that he doesn't want to have sex with me, and nobody else has ever been in this situation... which obviously isn't true.

But we are fed so much crap about how men just can't stop thinking about sex, all they want is sex etc, etc, that when you meet one who isn't, it is hard (for me at least it was) to understand this. But there are loads of them out there.

thesunshinesbrightly · 20/03/2010 16:47

This is a hard one isnt it, could you live without affection?

KerryMumbles · 20/03/2010 16:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

thesunshinesbrightly · 20/03/2010 16:52

Yes your right spero

OP -You get some really good advice on here, hope things work out for you.

Original poster

notsoscaryclairey · 20/03/2010 16:53

spero Thank you, that is exactly how i feel sometimes!

thesunshinesbrightly Well that's the thing, i have done this long and i adore him. But.....i do crave it, maybe more so because it's not on tap so to speak. But my ex husband made everything about sex....and that was really rubbish, we didn't have fun, we weren't a team, i was just his plaything. Cannot believe i've gone from one extreme to the other. Boyfriend is a different league totally though. We have everything but, whereas before i had nothing but.

OP posts:

Confusedsoul · 20/03/2010 16:57

This happened with an ex of mine... we were together for almost 6 months but never had sex... he was a lovely guy, amazingly good with my children, but absolutely nothing went on in the bedroom department. He just wasn't interested, and began withholding any kind of affection for fear of getting my hopes us

I had to end it for the sake of my sanity, it was making me so unhappy to not be wanted in that way. I tried to talk to him about it but was constantly met with blank responses, even looking back I have no idea what the problem was but I'm so glad I found the strength to end it. Like I say he was lovely and in so many ways we clicked, but it wasn't enough for me. I've since met someone else and things are so much better in every way

Good luck with whatever you decide...

thesunshinesbrightly · 20/03/2010 16:58

It's good that you love him and not everything is about sex, i agree because it's not on tap you want it more, have you spoke to him about how you feel, maybe he could meet you half way, so to speak.

Spero · 20/03/2010 16:59

op, I am so sorry to hear you have gone from one extreme to the other! both sound hard to deal with.

But if it helps, you are not alone and you know it is not about you. But that is the problem with these relationships, I don't know how you manage to keep that in the forefront of your mind. I got very bitter towards the end and it was ugly.

Original poster

notsoscaryclairey · 20/03/2010 17:04

I've tried to, but i'm not sure after reading on here and the pages suggested he knows why himself. He is what he is i guess and i need to accept it or move on. Think i'll have to sit him down and explain how it's affecting me as been hiding it and blaming myself.

OP posts:

thesunshinesbrightly · 20/03/2010 17:08

You shouldnt blame yourslef at all, i think talking about it with him will help alot, good luck and let us know, with a update please.

Original poster

notsoscaryclairey · 20/03/2010 17:10

Will do. Thank you all so much. Feel a lot better venting it all.

OP posts:

RaraAvis · 20/03/2010 18:00

just to say i hope it works out too.

SolidGoldBrass · 20/03/2010 22:56

FOr whatever reason, this man is Not That Into You or at least Not Into you in that way. I think you need to stop considering him your romantic/sexual partner because that is not what is available from him and if a couple-relationship is what you really want, you need to seek it elsewhere. Hanging on in there, hoping, trying and tying yourself in knots to 'make' him love you is going to do you no favours.

FrazzledDad · 21/03/2010 00:25

SGB - always like your advice

YanknCock · 21/03/2010 00:56

Why should you 'be thankful' OP? After 18 months you feel insecure, aren't having the sexual relationship you want, feel 'crushed' on the infrequent occasions when you do have sex.... not much to be thankful for there!

I was married to a man who was 'not that into sex'. My self esteem was in the toilet, I ended up cheating just to prove to myself that I was attractive/interesting, then beat myself up feeling guilty. We went to Relate, then to sex therapy. Nothing helped. He was just not into it, and could not understand why it was important to me.

You've got an easy out. You aren't married, he doesn't live with you. You don't need to settle. Find someone who makes you happy.

SolidGoldBrass · 21/03/2010 01:07

Sex is important to some people and not very important at all to others. Most people are somewhere on a sliding scale between 'would do it to anyone and anything at any time' and 'eek yuk argh don't touch me'. Neither of these ways of being are in any way morally superior. But if you want a sexual relationship, find someone who wants one too, and if you are not interested in sex, don't have relationships with people who are interested in it. Otherwise you wil make yourself and the other person miserable.

YanknCock · 21/03/2010 01:17

SGB, that was one the huge issues we had, XH thought he was 'morally superior' to me because he wasn't 'interested in all that'. He tried to make out I was a 'nympho' because at age 27 I thought sex once a week would be nice.

Thank fuck I realised I was always going to come bottom of his priority list (career, laptop, televison were joint firsts) and found myself someone who actually wanted to have a proper partnership and has a matching libido. We have a 7 month old and neither of us has enough energy for a shag most of the time--but we are happy!

SolidGoldBrass · 21/03/2010 01:38

Well done for getting out of that Yankncock. He was the one with the problem (not his low libido, the fact that he thought that made him better than you).

BitOfFun · 21/03/2010 01:44

Totally agree that it's about compatibility. There's really no long-term way of compromising on this- if one person has to have sex a lot less than they'd like, and one person has to grit their teeth and get on with it, then nobody is going to be happy.

lairymum99 · 21/03/2010 20:51

I'm sorry to hear you're so unhappy with your sex life. No improvement in 18 months of relationship does sound a bit odd. I read somewhere that sex is the glue that holds a relationship together. If you don't have sex, you have a good friendship, a living arrangement perhaps, but you need to have the sex to feel connected intimately. When the man (who is, after all, supposed to want it ALL THE TIME) isn't interested, it's all a bit wrong.

I'm wondering, is he simply a non-physical person? Obviously, if he has had childhood/past trauma to deal with, that would explain it. Though, as others have already pointed out, if counselling was needed to deal with any deep seated problems, presumably he would have done it by now.

Or perhaps - sorry to be blunt - you don't turn him on that way? Does he ever comment on other attractive women, does he read girlie mags, does he masturbate?? Do you make an effort for him appearance-wise? Sexy lingerie? Are you overweight? I guess i'm trying to establish whether it's you in particular that doesn't do it for him, or whether he just isn't particularly into sex in general.

Men are funny creatures - just talking to them usually doesn't work. They feel put on the spot and interrogated, backed into a corner. Ever read Women are from Venus and Men are from Mars?? The mind boggles.

Sorry about the long rant.

I've been with my BF for 4 years now and he's just moved in. Sex is great now - he can't get enough. But in the beginning, we had similar problems to what you are describing. It took a long time to get behind it and we can now talk about it (and do, quite often). He admitted it was a mixture of having been single for sooo long after a horrendous divorce which dented his sexual confidence, and my appearance not being, well, sexy enough. We got there in the end. So don't write him off just like that.

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