Been dumped by a friend....

[dumpedbyfriend]

Would post this in AIBU would prefer some advice about how best to deal with

Met friend about 5 years ago through parenting classes. Our DD's were born within a week of each other and are great friends. They both go to the same school and still have a close bond. Had a v close friendship with friend and have supported her through some difficult times (PND and sick child) and have a lot in common with each other. We'd meet up a few times a week for coffee and for the girls to play.

Since they've started school my friend rarely speaks to me. She's got on really well with another mum at the school - they have second children the same ages as each other and the other mum has a dd in the girls' class at school so meet up during the week to take the children to toddler groups etc. I'm pleased that she's met someone else as I know she finds it hard to make friends - but feel sad that I've been pushed aside. I get on really well with the other mum as well so it's not as if I'm jealous of the friendship - just feel a bit sidelined.

I've had to go back to work so am only at school gates to collect my dd twice a week. I do see my friend in the mornings but we don't have the chance to chat really as its so busy. All the girls go to a drama class after school and recently the other two have taken to going to a cafe whilst the class is on - I join them sometimes, but the last few times they haven't even asked me to join them. My dd is also a bit upset as the other girl has been invited round for tea quite often and dd doesn't understand why she hasn't been invited to play once since september. I've invited her dd round here quite a few times and they've had a lovely time playing together.

Writing this down does make it seem really childish - I know I'm grown woman - but I am actually quite hurt at how I've been pushed aside. There is a kids party on tomorrow that all the girls are going to be at and I know that the other mum is not going to be staying for the duration - I know if she did stay my friend would spend all her time talking to her and hardly even talk to me - maybe she's just got a girl crush on her!

Any advice please?

This type of thing has happened to me recently. It hurt like hell and managed to transport me back be in time to my schooldays. In my case one friend was being intentionally nasty and childish and one just very insensitive.

To be honest I don't think there is anything you can do except keep being friendly and nuturing other friendships. I have decided from now on that the way forward for me is to me friendly to lots of other mums at school but not get too involved with a small group or one person again.

You're not childish. I really hate things like this. When I met what I thought was a good friend, one of her older friends was sidelined, she used to say things like "I have much better conversations with you". Now I'm the sidelined one, not invited to places etc. If our boys weren't best friends I wouldn't even talk to her.
At the party, don't stand with the sometimish "friend". Talk to other people. If she approaches you, be civil, but move on quickly. Does DD have other friends you could invite more regularly (I know it's harder when you work). It's OK to be hurt, just don't allow yourself to be used. You can only be sidelined if you're hanging on for their "friendship". What usually happens with people like this is when they see you've moved on they'll want to be around you again. But you deserve better

Thank you - I do have a wide circle of friends and chat to a few of the other mums at school whenever I get a chance to pick dd up so don't feel isolated or dependant on her friendship.

I think I will follow the the friendly and move on approach - junglist - how do you deal with it when your boys are best friends? The dd's have birthdays close together and the other mum has suggested a joint party - it'll be in a few months time - I'm not sure what to do?

Perhaps it was one of those friendships that was based upon circumstance and has now run its course.

I just have her son over to play or sleep, and whereas before when she came to pick him up I'd make dinner and we would have a long chat, now she picks him up and that's it. I basically showed her I knew what she was up to and had drawn back. I think if you withdraw now by the time the birthdays come round she won't suggest a joint party.

MAybe mum no.3 feels a little like this when your DD and mum no.2 s DD play together? Can you invite all the DCs round to play at yours?

Hm, if you are such good friends then you cant let this go.
For me, if it were me, i would be arranging to be more involved.
Sort out the 3 of you going out for tea once a month to a local restraunt to catch up with them.
organise play dates with them, set a date...to catch up.
just needs to be occasionally, not every day just enough to keep up with them.
Dont let it go if you think its worth it.

I used to think the same as meatntattypie, that if I still kept going and looking beyond the petty behaviour, it will lay foundations for long lasting friendships (we have the first and second children the same age in the same school and classes - but I have a third child and since all our second children started school- my two "friends" go out for coffee to catch up and I dont get invited anymore). I feel this whole struggle to build friendships is too much hard work for a very little award. I have been workint at this for the past three years and it does make me feel a bit sad that it did not work, but if you think that you only see this people for 15 min per day, than there is no surprise there. Personally I am out..got other friends that do appreciate me and will listen to me moan about school gates ..

I woh f/t and one of the things that I feel quite keenly is that my other school gate friends are so much closer with each other, because they have coffee after the drop-off, help each other out with daytime childcare for the younger siblings in half-day nursery...and it isn't about the friendship, so much, it's about my wanting all the sahm-ness of all that...(even though I am actually happy being a working mother - want my cake and eat it?).

The drama class coffee business sounds very sad.

But you know, things change and grow, and new things fill spaces...tell her you miss your old times together, in a non-bitter, non-judgmental way, and make sure you are nurturing other friendships, too.

I could have written this post! Only I really don't want to lose my friendship as she is my DS's godmother. I am feeling very pushed out. I have tried to include myself but then other things go on behind my back. My friend has a fantastic personality and everyone loves her. Its actually not her leaving me out but our other friend. I do feel sad though so I know how you feel.

I recently fell out with a friend, who then involved another friend and she s not speaking to me either, I quite good at going to groups and talking to other mums. I've just taken my baby for a drive in the car and seen my ex friends car in another mums drive, this is a mum she used to called to me every chance she got!! Another mums car was there to one I see often at toddler group, was thinking of asking her for a coffee sometime but now I'm not so sure! and now it clicks why the mum s house that i passed has stopped speaking to me too. Very sad feel like I'm the child at school so I know how you feel. Advice please should I still go ahead and invite that mum for coffee?

I would invite for coffee anyone that have not had a chance to get to know me. The anoying element of this whole thing is that becouse of a fall out we change our behaviour and loose confidenc. If none of this would have happened, would you have invited other people for coffee? Propably! So you might as well carry on with life as if nothing has happened- you never know how things will turn around in few months time.

Do you think that as you were good friends that your friend might think she doesn't need to actually 'invite' you to join them for coffee etc and that if you wanted to go you would just go.
Maybe she feels sidelined since you started work.
Could you maybe just ask her?

I experienced the same thing some time ago & have walked away from the "friendship" & have never regretted it. I have always told dd not to forget her old friends just because a new one comes along & therefore could not condone the way we were both being treated. When our "friends" realised we were walking away, they tried to entice us back into the fold (which echoes the comment made by junglist1) but I resisted. Unfortunately, some parents are still in the school playground!

My advice to you is widen your social circle
& leave your so-called friends to get on with it!