I am seriously going to rip my DP's head off, utterly livid.

[sweetkitty]

I need to vent get this off my chest and I need to know what to do about it.

So DP goes away for work early Thursday morning 300 odd miles away for a conference so is staying overnight, fine. Phones me midday on Thurs to say he is just going for the flight, fine. Then absolutely no contact after that, Friday morning I send him a shirty e-mail about this, he sends a 2 line one back saying "yes you have a point, I feel asleep as soon as I got to the hotel will try and get an early plane home tonight will keep you updated"

Again nothing all day until 8pm last night when I got an e-mail to say his plane was delayed and he would be backe late. I sent one back saying as long as it has not been delayed in the pub and told him about the crap day I was having. Nothing again until 11pm last night when he e-mailed to say he was staying at a work colleagues where he works (he works about an hour away) and would be back at 8pm today to pick up with the kids. I got this at 3am this morning so went to bed not knowing when he would be back. As you can imagine I sent him one back saying that this was not good enough I did not believe he was actually at a friends and was he even on a conference I am starting to wonder.

So I have just had another e-mail saying "will be back closer to 10am not ready to run out the door just yet" WTF probably means I am still too drunk to drive.

I cannot believe him here comes the best bit, I am 33 weeks pregnant, have horrendous SSPD which means I can hardly walk or am doped up on cocodamol, I have a 5, 4, and 20 month old to look after as well. I had a MW appt on Thurs he hasn't even asked about and DD1 is having some trouble at school which has really upset me.

I really cannot believe he has done this and the e-mails, that's a complete cop out, have tried phoning him but he is not answering his phone and this "I am not ready to rush out the door" well I am not ready to care for the DDs for another day whilst he seans in when he feels ready.

Am completely livid with him. I know what will happen though he will be in the dog house for a few days then everything will just blowover until the next time he decides to be a twat.

If I weren't pregnant or just had the one DD I would bugger off and let him come home to an empty house and not tell him where we were but as I cannot walk anywhere right now that's out the question, I have absolutely no fmily support and very few friends so feel completely stuck.

Any ideas for payback?

So just had another e-mail from him

Yes it is a drink thing the minute he has any he goes from lovely decent bloke into utter selfish twat, he cannot have one or two though has to keep going until he falls over practically, this had led to some very dangerous situations in the past.

He has accepted this or says he has and knows he cannot have a normal relationship with alcohol, I think now and again he thinks "why not?" alcohol has been a factor in our relationship for a long time. Whenever he stays out and doesn't phone he's been drinking.

He has said to me I should go to a spa but I said I would feel guilty spending the money on myself and would rather put it towards a family holiday.

He will feel very guilty when he sobers up enough, in the past he has kept drinking for up to 3 days to avoid facing up to it few years ago now though.

Not phoning is one thing. Not answering your phone is another.

He can't possibly claim not to have considered that she might likeca chat.

It sounds like he needs to get treatment for his alcoholism. Just staying away from drink doesn't seem to be working out for him.

On a normal working day he will phone once or twice just to check up on me, even just to say "is everything OK, I'm busy speak later"

He knew I was going to the MW to ask about possible induction for the SPD, knows how stressed I am about things right now. he has already said to work he is doing no more overnights as I am too pregnant now and need him. He is doing compressed hours at work to have a midweek day off to help me out.

I think that's what makes it worse TBH then he goes and does this.

He has been in trouble with the police on more than one occasion due to drinking, nearly killed himself once, been mugged and been found passed out in the street more than once. It's not just a DH going out and letting off steam it's someone who is a complete idiot when drunk and knows it going out and drinking.

SK. Hello, I am also 33 weeks preg but without SPD. I also only have one DC at the moment, so in a much "easier" situation than you and I would be furious.

I know DH said he didnt want to go away but he kind of has to say that . I went away for a night with work last week and it was heavenly to not have anyone to think about other than myself. However, even I told my DH that it was awful to be away, kind of makes the one left at home feel better. So 2 nights away, regardless of location, is a treat and IMO you are now "owed" some you time.

I would ask him to take the kids out and give you a day at home to yourself.

I would also check with the airline about the flight but I would not ask for his details. I would just call (or look online?) with the rough flight details. Presumably you know original expected time and flight to and from. If he is telling the truth, its not good for him to know you are checking up on him.

Am sure he has just been selfish and taken the opportunity for a binge drinking session with a friend, which isnt the end of the world but as a fellow pregnant person, I think it deserves some payback.

Personally (without SPD) I am struggling at 33 weeks pregnant to cope with DD and aches and pains etc, so I would not appreciate being left for 48 hours without any consideration.

I can see it from both ways tbh.

I can see that you are struggling and that it is a real disappointment to ahve expected him home last night and he wont be back till 10am this morning instead

BUT

from his point of view - he works hard at work, then all the time he is not at work he is doing 100% of the chores and the majority of the childcare. He had to go on a work trip and he is late through no fault of his own as the plane was late, so seeing as its late at nighht he stays with a colleague instead of trekking home when late and hes tired. He maybe relaxes a bit at colleagues house and has a drink or two.
Only for you to be utterly furious at him for not getting home last night no matter what and accusing him of lying about the cobference etc.
he probably feels that everything he IS doing is taken for granted tbh.

Its easy to look at it in isolation and say that you are feeling ill and tired and he should be helping you rather than having a drink with a colleague, but looking at the bigger picture - if all he does is work and then help you when not working, he really does need one night off to recharge and even though its a struggle you need to chill a bit and be a bit more gracious, sorry.

11am still not back

Sorry Fel1x but I disagree this is someone with a track record of going out getting comatose and passing out, it's not one or two drinks to unwind. I have been woken up by a policeman at the door in the past about him.

It's common courtesy to say if you will be home by X that if you are going to be late you phone and tell the other person instead of having them lie awake in bed worrying where you are.

He is appreciated and does get time off at the weekend to do his own things. He has to do 100% of the chores when he is here as I cannot physically do them right now.

It's not a one off it's a complete disregard for my feelings IMO. He can just decided to stay out all night and I will look after the DDs no questions asked. I would never do that to him just expect him to pick up the slack because I was too tired to come home and wanted to unwind. They are his children as well.

I think he sounds like a selfish f*cker under the circumstances. However as you say he does do a lot when he IS there. Is that all the time though or because you cannot at the moment. My ex used to do this regularly and also never did Jack all when he was at home.

TBH I can totally understand your frustration, you are having a really hard time and I should imagine that the time he is due back is a beacon for you, someone to come and lift some of the weight.

I, too have had the police at the door about exh. Reading between the lines I think there is more going on here than you are saying, I don't think that he is just unwinding, I think it sounds like he has a drink problem. Maybe his little disappearing acts usually coincide with a less stressful time so you don't mind as much or it is not so noticeable.

I feel really sorry for you sweetkitty and very much know how you are feeling.

Why was he going on a conference in teh first place leaving you with a 5, 4, 20 month old, heavily pregnant with spd????

No conference is that important and any employer worth working for would understand why he couldnt go on any over nighter.

I think he is a selfish f*cker to! if i was you i would make him pay for it aswell.

has he always been like this and is he enthusiastic about having four children?

Is he trying to show his resentment through this behaviour?

Not excusing it btw.

If he has always been like this then weren't you worried about having more children with him?

Don't mean to sound harsh just genuinely curious.

I think your situation sounds horrible and not good example to set to children esp when they get older. Also you must be continually worried about what escapade he will be up to next.

He sounds like he's on a self destruct path.

Not judging at all I fell down a flight of stairs when drunk and it was real wake up call. I felt ashamed and irresponsible.

Ouch ! Poor you. Sounds like he is being an arse.

I will try and answer your questions, it is really good to hear different points of view, it's not something I discuss with anyone in RL.

Yes he is a brilliant Dad I cannot fault him in that, he was more for having no4 than I was to start with. I do worry about the example he is setting the DDs though.

His work are always trying to send him away he said this is the last time until after DS is born and has turned down going away again.

These incidences of when he doesn't come home have over the years become less and less, as I said before he doesn't drink anymore apart from maybe the 3 or 4 times a year when he does this. He runs marathons for charity now so alcohol cannot figure in his training plans.

He does do his fair share when he is here, just at the moment he is having to do it all because I can't. He has come in today at 11.30am I am not talking to him cannot bear to even look at him, he has done all the hoovering though but he usually does as it's beyond me now.

So all in all he is a good partner and Dad this is probably why I get so frustrated when he f up like this.

I wonder then whether you need to decide whether you can tolerate the 3/4 times a year or whether you should have a word with him about having to avoid alcohol all together.

I also wonder now, having read what you've said about him, whether he also feels a total pratt having got drunk like this and him not calling you is because he knows he's fallen to the drink again.

I'm glad the episodes have got less. It does sound like he has quite a problem with alcohol and he's taken some steps to deal with it but not the whole way yet.

Omg, I dont think you are over reacting at all, Id of had his balls off and would be wearing them as ear rings

What a complete and utter selfish knob.

I think you are being a bit harsh on him. Think his behaviour with alcohol sounds a bit problematic, but he seems to be cutting back on the binges.

However, apart from that, you seem to think he was on holiday not a business trip. When my DH is on a business trip I don't expect to hear from him all the time. If he's under pressure I might just get a call as he gets off the plane on the way home. Sometimes he'll call to see if I would like anything at duty free, sometimes not. I wouldn't check up on with the hotel etc. although if I think he will get snowed in at the airport I will look at the flight online and check out hotels online so if he calls we can sort it out ourselves instead of getting his travel co-ordinator to do it.

You also say he pulls his weight at home, many men will say they have been busy working and need a break when they get home from business trips!

I think if you give him a hard time it will mean he will be less likely to communicate and more likely to drink / do a disappearing act.

at first i thought you were overreacting and being harsh, but i atually don't think so now

i thikn drinking to the point of being comatose 4 times a year and causing untild stress and worry when you are at home with 3 young children with another on the way is a big deal

a really big deal

he needs some help to own this problem and move forward and stop drinking

if he cannot stop until he is comatose, he needs not to drink at all

it is not a normal relationship with alcohol

you don;t have to drink every day to have a prbolem with alcohol

I am on the verge of pouring all the acohol we have in the house down the sink, but it such a drastic move and what if I need a drink!!

It brings nothing but trouble. I can live without alcohol but dont think my hubby can.
Would ask him if I had any idea where the fuck he was! Of course if I wasnt such a bad person, wife, mother, whore..... he wouldnt have to drink

LeQueen - wow are they the same person? Sounds like DP to a T, scary really.

LadyLapsang - it's strange how some on here have said I am being harsh and to cut him some slack and others have said erm no he's a twat. I know it was a business trip but that it finished on Friday afternoon, he didn't get back here until almost midday Saturday. He gets dogs abuse because of all the shit he has done in the past. Yes I do expect at least one phonecall to check up on his pregnant partner and children, how long does that take 2 mins tops, could he not have done it as you say on the way from the plane, checking into the hotel, having a wee even. I used to go on business trips myself and you always have 5 mins to phone home no matter how busy you are.

lulumaam - he has had counselling before, he fully understands he has a problem with alcohol and should stay away from it completely, he has made progress from where he used to be I can see that, we have no alcohol in the house and he can go months and months without it but every now and again for whatever reason he falls off the wagon but as you say it causes a lot of stress for me.

moviegirl - for you, alcohol really is a nasty thing sometimes. I have had counselling as well and it is nothing to do with us as partners that makes them drink and they should never blame someone else for their drinking.

He has done everything today, I spent most of the afternoon in bed then he went and bought a chinese so I didn't have to cook. He hasn't apologised yet but I am not talking to him really, cannot bear to look at him right now. He has said he will not go out on Weds night now to see this comedian.

I don't think you are at all over- reacting. I would be really annopyed and disappointed. I get spd too and that is a majot factor in DH wanting no more - he found my pain and needing to do a lot for me very stressful I think.