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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

How can I help my friend?

2 replies

abbierhodes · 19/03/2010 22:28

I have a friend at work who is having relationship problmes. She has been living with a man for about a year, and he is very controlling and manipulative. He loses his temper over the slightest thing and shouts and rants and raves at her.

He mooches through her phone, her email, and her facebook accounts. She is not allowed privacy, and he does not like her having contact with other men.

He isn't violent...yet. At least I don't think he is. I see her every day (she is a work colleague) so I THINK I'd spot signs of physical abuse.
She is a strong, confident, professional woman who wouldn't otherwise be pushed around by anyone.

I've been in an emotionally abusive relationship, and I can see why she doesn't leave. She admitted today that if he punched her, she'd be relieved, because she'd have a concrete reason to walk out. I'm concerned that by the time it gets to that point, he'll have broken her spirit.

My main problem is this: she's more of a colleague than a friend. We've spent a little more time chatting lately, and she's started to move into the 'friend' category for me, but we're not close. If she was one of my close girl friends that I know inside out, I'd be ranting about him and wanting to shake her and make her listen. However, I don't feel I can really interfere...I try to just listen and share my experiences, in the hope that she'll take some hints.

But it's upsetting to stand by and watch while she is being treated like this.

Has anyone got any advice on what I can do for her?

OP posts:
messymissy · 19/03/2010 23:02

sharing your experiences and hoping she will take some hints is a good way to go. ranting at her wont help.

tell her she has got concrete reasons to leave him and should do so as soon as she can.

Emotional and verbal abuse is still abuse and in many ways is far more damaging than physical abuse. Point her to the womens aid website and the refuge website it makes it all very clear.

there is another thread similiar to this one, have a read of it as there is lots of similiar advice.

Condensedmilkaddict · 20/03/2010 06:15

I think if she is sharing this info with you, then you should be honest with her.
I realise it could be a messy situation for you if (heaven forbid) she decided to marry him or something...
But I think you need to tell it to her straight, because she has chosen to share this with you.
Also, you ought to tell her that you see her a strong woman - she probably isn't feeling much like one at the moment.
All the best with it. It's a difficult situation, but if it progresses badly and gets worse, you'll feel terrible for not speaking out...

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