How do you cope without family near by ???

[feelikeflouncing]

Hi !

I'm sick and mother of 2 ds and also a childminder. My dh works long hours. I cant cope anymore. All my family is abroad (france). I have friends but I cant ask for their help as the ds are sick too. This situation is putting a strain on my marriage and I'm considering going back home. I cant cope I'm feeling so lonely.

I totally emphathise and understand.
I have 3 children under 6 and DH who works long hours and no family locally.
Sometimes I too get very down at the intensity daily life can bring.
Last year, I too was very poorly, the lymph node in my neck was swollen like an egg as my body fought my infection, but life had to go on.
I cried everyday until I was well again.
However, a year on, I have made trusted friends through school and have stopped being so proud and to believe and accept their offers of help as they too feel the same way from time to time.
Even if my DCs are poorly I can call my mates to bring essential shopping etc. One lovely friend even did my laundry, washed, dried and returned to me folded. I was overwhelmed, you can't buy that eh?
Give yourself openly to your friends they are a most precious subsitute to your family.
We've recently sold our house and my DH gave me the option to move back to the location of our extended family, I thought long and hard and decided you can't choose your family but you can choose your friends and mine are totally reliable and trustworthy, so we're staying!

I have good friends but they all know we have d and v here so I'm being avoided

I sympathise as I have all my family, plus dh's nearby. Havent once had a babysitter, or help in any way, and we are carers to two of our parents who live very near as they are very ill. It is like having extra children but I am sure to lots of people we look like we have masses of support with all our family around us!! Second the friend thing though. They can be great and are often younger and therefore less needy than elderly parents!!

I just cant cope anymore..thank you for your posts. I'm feeling like I'm exploited, look after my children full time, childmind and never get a break or any sort of help.

Could you ask a friend to drop some essentials off on the doorstep and maybe organise a coffee morning with some other mums when you are feeling better? I know how it is not to know anyone or have family nearby but there are some lovely people out there. I have a lovely friend who drops food off and even has one of my dc if the other is poorly. These people are worth their weight in gold but you have to be honest and ask for help. things are always worse when you or your dcs are ill so please have an early night and be kind to yourself-tomorrow's a new day.

The thing I have that kind of friends but I have already asked them for help like dropping off ds after school etc...I dont want them to think I'm taking advantage. I feel dh is taking advantage of me..fuck I'm working full time and I look after our children full time...he never takes the time of if I'm sick or the ds are sick. I mean I shouldnt have to cope with everything, there is a problem no ??

I do have friends but people dont want to take the risk of getting d and v. You cant rely on friends for the wrong stuff happening in your life.... I'm sorry its hard to be positif..

Cultivate your neighbours.

Ot you might find a lady whose family is a long way away, and who would like to be an 'adoptive Granny'.

Is it the english way ? Its great but all my friends knows I'm having a shit time and none of them proposed their help and who can blame them, its friday !

You can rely on friends in the hard times, but realistically no one with children wants to risk a bout of D and V. It will get easier when you feel well, and more so as your DCs get older. Hang on in there - this is just a rough patch and of course you feel awful. But it will pass.

The problem is even if you had an adopted granny you couldnt risk her getting d&v !! It amazes me the number of people who let their sick children go to grandparents for the day!!

Your friends could drop off some essentials for you. You will feel better when you feel stronger maybe?

I am a lone parent with no family nearby and few friends either as my ex uprooted us all just before he left us. I have an au pair to help with the kids as I had to go back to work and needed some help. I realised I couldnt manage alone working ft with 2 young kids and she has made a world of difference. In fact currently I have 2 au pairs as our last one is back for a holiday

yes I guess I have to hang in there, I miss my mum dearly

Sorry, but of course your friends are going to avoid you if you have d and v.

If you need looking after then your dh should be doing it!

bibbi - and obviously I understand them so it does live me with no options really !

I dont think I matter very much to dh at the moment, lucky him, he is got a stay at home mother and also a worker bringing a salary at home.

Does your husband give you a proper break away from the children when he's not at work?

Also, do you help your friends out if they have problems - it's nice when help is recipricated.

Must say I know it's hard, when my son was young, I worked and my DH worked abroad for a while. Can still remember being really ill but having to drag myself out of bed to clear up the vomit & drive my DS to school...pretty low point.

Does he work such long hours that he can´t pick up shopping on the way home?

Could family visit for a few days?

I have no family nearby (my parents are dead, inlaws live 2.5 hours away and are busy/not well and my sister works full time). I have friends who I can and do ask for help sometimes but with a D & V bug you can't really risk someone else catching it.

Luckilly my DH can take time off when he really needs to. If he didn't then we would not cope and my life would be significantly more hideous.

I think you need to let your DH know you are struggling and need help. Even mum's are allowed to be sick sometimes (although rarely).

You just do I think you are too busy doing it to think about it IYSWIM?

Agree about friends and doing as little as you possibly can, get on the sofa with DVDs ride it out.

Do an online grocery shop, most of the time you can get next day delivery.

Loads of people cope without family nearby - we had 3 children age 4 and under, and both worked outside the home and had no family anywhere near.

You just have to get on with it.

I would question whether CM is the right job for you, if you're feeling isolated and struggling with being stuck at home and looking after kids. Is it really what you want to do, or did it seem like a good option to 'fit around' your DH's job and your own kids?

CM would be my idea of hell on earth! I think going out to work can save your sanity, although obviously it's not as easy as being at home, and may also leave you with no money if you're having to pay out on childcare.

I think you need to look at the bigger picture though. If you're feeling that bad, then maybe you need to take action to change things in your life.

I think you need to get your DH to do more by the sounds of it.

DW and I live in Madrid and our nearest family member is in Toulouse! I try and do all the housework so DW can focus on DD. We do have friends here - some with children - who DW goes to visit or who come to visit her, but I feel it's my responsibility to make sure she doesn't feel isolated or overworked. You should talk to you DH about how you feel and makes suggestions (men like solutions!!) about little things he can do (make up big batches of food at the weekend to go in the freezer perhaps, to save you having to cook lunch during the week, for example.)

Hope your DCs are feeling better.