How do I forgive and/or forget?

[MrsAngry]

A few months ago I caught DH sending flirty texts to other women and sometimes calling them (I looked at his phone and he 'fessed up). There were 3 women - 2 ex's had basically ignored his calls and he chatted to a third a couple of times over the last few months. His mobile phone bills confirmed this.

He did "come clean" straight away and has promised never to do it again. I believe that he hasn't. He also said he would tell me if any of them ever contacted him, which they have, and we discused how he should respond and deal with it.

Whilst all this was happening, I concieved DC2 and it all came to light whilst I was v heavily pg.

My problem is that I am still so angry with DH. I can't forget or forgive him for doing this while I was pg and vulnerable. It feels as though all of my happy memories of the pregnancy and the last year were just one big lie.

In all other respects I would say that we have a good marriage so I would like to work through this. Does anyone have any advice on how to do this?

i remember when i ws in hospital with dd2.....itemised bills showed he was phoning 'girls free for sex that night in town'......from tha day on i was suspicious and i distanced myself slightly from him. things were never the same again! its a betrayal i could never get over....and dont know how to suggest to you that you ever will

I'd suggest the reason you are still so angry and resentful is because you have perhaps both made the mistake of thinking that by stopping a behaviour, the problem is solved. Perhaps you never got to the bottom of the far more difficult questions, which were - why was he doing this? What was he getting out of this? How can you affair-proof your relationship? If you hadn't found out, what would have happened next?

Usually in situations like yours, the texter will fall on his sword, promise never to do it again, feel embarrassed and silly, swear blind the texts never meant anything and that they would never have progressed to infidelity.

What is far more likely is that it will almost certainly happen again and that as soon as they find someone willing to engage, they will most definitely choose to be unfaithful.

Get to the root cause and force your partner to take personal responsibility. A sage counsellor (but do choose carefully) will often see through the denials and subterfuge and can be an ally in challenging what is often dressed up as "harmless behaviour".

Finally, buy a book called "Not Just Friends" by Dr. Shirley Glass - and get your partner to read it.

It is understandable to be bitter at your ruined pregnancy - but don't sweep all this under the carpet for a moment longer.

WWIFN - thanks so much for your advice, I really value your perspective.

He swears that the texting/phoning would not have progressed to anything, but then he would say that wouldn't he? I know that he was asking one girl to meet him for coffee which obviously contradicts that too.

And i realise from reading some of your other advices that he was "distancing" himself from me at the relevant time - hence my suspicions and looking at his 'phone.

He says that he got a bit obsessive about the 2 that wouldn't engage with him (hence the prolonged attempts to contact them)the one that he did chat too does seem to have been his third choice as he only ever phoned her after trying the other 2 girls first.

He hasn't admitted it but I'm sure that he got a thrill out of it (why else would he do it?) and enjoyed flirting with the girl he chatted to. He will only say that "he doesn't know" why he did it. If i'm being brutally honest with myself, I think he perhaps felt neglected after the birth of DC1 and our sex life was definitely not as exciting as it had been before DC's arrived.

He has said that he will go to counselling if I insist but I know that he will hate it.

Mrs. Angry - he's responded in exactly the way I'd have expected him to. What we also learn is that he loves a chase.

When ever someone says "I don't know why I did it", it usually means they know precisely why, but they don't want you to believe that of them.

If he's willing to go for counselling - then insist on it. If he hates it so much he won't engage in the process, that will tell you something about his commitment to the marriage.

Please don't make excuses for why he did it. Most people's sex lives are not "exciting" when they've got very young children - but they don't engage in text relationships. This is about him - his responses and his behaviour. It sounds like you are second-guessing his motives, but if you're right, as an adult he had a choice. He could have expressed concern at the reduced intimacy between you and worked with you as a team to restore it - instead he reached for his phone.

The first step is to tell him this needs resolving once and for all. Insist on what you need to move on.

WWIFN - you are too perceptive! He has confessed that it was about the sex that had dwindled between us but I was too to say so in my post.

Things have improved in that department but I still feel really resentful and bitter about him choosing to contact other women rather than raise the issue with me, as you say. And my confidence has been really dented (with this and with my changing body in pg) so making an effort in the bedroom department is even more difficult.

In the main, I don't want my marriage to end because of this (and on good days I think, 'it was only a couple of phone calls') but on bad days (and this is one!) I just want to leave with the DC's so that he will be as hurt as I was

I am so sorry, MrsAngry

He has behaved very badly. I am not surprised you still feel so conflicted about this.

I really, really hope he has put as much effort into getting your marriage, and sex-life, back on track as you have.

It makes me very uncomfortable when you say "putting an effort into the bedroom dept" is even more difficult." Please don't modify your feelings and behaviour in an effort to stop him straying.

If he is going to stray, he will, and you will really feel like utter shit if you have been doing stuff if didn't particularly feel like doing.

I don't have any other advice for you. I stand by WWIFN, as per usual.

You haven't moved on, because I think you feel, deep down, that he isn't really sorry....only sorry that he got caught.