OK - so what do you think about this - am I being a complete doormat here

[giveitago]

So dh and I not gettting on.

Background not getting on for a while - some of it has to do with our work patterns (he eves and me days) which means we have very little family time - always been this way and prior to being parents wasn't an issue ALTHOUGH I'd say that I was blinkered in that we spent 90% hard earned free time with his family.

Cue we now have a kid - he's 4 - I'm now a sahm - dh in the depths of our issues thinks I'm a lazy cow. My perspective is that I gave up work to try and aviod the IVF (his health issues) we were recommended - it worked - lovely child - very lucky. But dh family are very domineering and needy and inspite them being abroad dh's focus is there alwasy.

Well, I went back to work (god knows how I found a job) to fill the family coffers and in that time it was very bad - all about his family they interfered very badly - he sort of backed them. I, as always, responsible for our unit but get very little out of it.

Cue - now - I'm a sahm again - waiting for ds to start school in sept so I can work - to help the family coffers.

DH has a shite job - long hours - stressful but has little hope of anything else. I think he had lots of opps before but let them go as he was more comfortable in his community. Too late now and the only way for him to go up it get own business. I've now had two career breaks - I'm in my 40s - so not so many opps for me now. I've kind of gone backwards here.

Well, we're talking about future (first time in a year - as he not usually interested if it doesn't involve his family) - I had the bloody stupid idea of selling our home to raise money for a business for him and we'd live in my mums home.

AM I BLOODY STUPID HERE - well he hates my mum - it's her house - he has two properties in his country - the first is a flat that was meant to be inheritance but to save his mum face BOUGHT for her (nice inheritance huh!). The second is 50% share (sil other half) on his dad's home.

Given his mum made them hold onto dads home so she might live there - she currently lives in dh's flat (ie his bought inheritance).

Am I being a stupid f'ing idiot here - selling the only property I've (joint) owned to help dh who will no doubt try and put a business in his mum or sisters name.

Surely if he has a property that's not being lived in that should be sold - for his business.

I feel soooooo controlled that I just end up trying to help other people who probably wouldn't piss on me if I were on fire.

I should add that I always had a better job than dh - and I'm educated but two career breaks later and middle aged I'm now up shit creek.
Any views as I feel I'm an expert in ripping myself off here.

It's garbled - I'm sorry - I thought I'd toughened up but I haven't - I'm half tempted to laugh at him and say 'joking love' you raise your own money for your business!

does he charge his mum rent? Who pays for teh upkeep of the flat? and also, is the other property being rented out? and who pays for the upkeep of that house?

My opinion? No, I would not sell the only security your DS has inorder for your Dh to start a new business. Not in this economy, and especially not when he owns other property that he could sell or be making profit (rent) from.

No, his mum lives in her flat - it was part her inheritance (shared with her siblings) and basically she walked out of the famil home has fil had a girlfriend and under their laws if you walk out you lose claim to that property. So she moved into the family flat - then as she'd done nothing for dh but also felt guilty at living in the family flat - she got dh to buy out her siblings so he interits her 1/4 and bought the rest - to suit her. It's worth less than a deposit on a flat in the UK quite honestly.She pays for upkeep of flat as it's her home.

The family home - well fil died last year and left it to dh and sil. MIL stopped them selling it as she felt it was hers and wanted to live there - but it's a ruin completely run down so has changed her mind.

I think sell the house - neither dh or sil live in it - it's empty derelict - worthless in a small village in southern europe where they are shutting schools as there are no births, no jobs etcs.

I'm angry with ME - I have dh who invests zero in this marriage - it's all about his mother and sister - yet I'm helping to preserve what little he's got there at the expense of what I've worked hard to achieve here. I keep bloody doing this. Of course my mum's house is big and ds love it's there but the only way to go is if my mum left it to ds as if it were to be left to me - I'd have to share with a man who would move into it - move his mum and in and move my mum out!!!!!!!

His house back in his country - well he pays the rates - sil pays nothing and doesn't want to sell.

OK - I've been a prat as usual - I'm not in an emotional position to divorce him so I have to ensure that my investment and my families assets are not compromised for a man who wouldn't piss on me if I were on fire.

Gosh

Well, I'd say even if you didn't habve problems it would be foolish, in this climater, to sell your house in order to finance a business that might not even work.

Suerly it would be better to get a loan from the bank and secure it with the house?

Moving in with your mother will ony make your relationship worse, as it will put more pressure on it.

What business does he want to start?

Good lord, just read your last post.

Jeeez woman grow a spine. there is no lov in this relationship, why do you not have the emotional energy to leave him?

You have not painted a nice picture of your H or his family or your relationship with him.

What are his good points?

And stop making excuses for yourself. It's no good making excuses unless you are actually going to change.

Oh he only wants to start a coffee shop and the start up is quite low. We don't need to do it now - but sometime int he future. But the start up would be low so why not sell one of his properties.

I've worked so hard for our small london property - it's worth a bit - mortgage was basedon my salary. But now I'm a sahm you see nothing of my input.

His mum livesiun the flat - it's her home - but the house is derelict - in an area where tere are more homes than people so prices will NEVER rise so why not sell that - but sil won't here of it - don't know why if she sold she might be able to raise a deposit for flat where she lives.

But I AM being a prat - sell our property if it suits ds and me - not dh when he's sitting on property that's worth zero and having to pay rates on it too.

I've got this BAD habit of trying to jump into the breach to save the day for people. Not worth it.

In fact I'll tell dh tonight.

Myd mum's house is rarely used - so lying there - she wouldb;t be in it much but quite honestly we've had this convo before and dh things it would be perfect for HIS MUM. Oh god.

Yep - I need to grow a backbone - right bloody now.

I've not agreed to anything and he can't do anything but I seem to provide a comfort zone for him when he provides very little to the family other than money.

I really hate myself sometimes. I was positively telling him I'd make everything OK - for him - not us.