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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Help me help my friend

6 replies

ChickensHaveSinisterMotives · 18/03/2010 13:00

My friend has just told me that her husband is verbally abusive and controlling. She has been very depressed, and is now feeling a lot better (meds and counselling). Her H is far from happy with her new outlook, and criticises everything she does. He accuses her of being a drunk, an unfit mother, fat, and yells that she disgusts him. She told me that during a very hard time in her life she was drinking too much, but he offered no help or support. She now feels that her drinking is under control (from what she told me, it is). He buys wine, pours her a glass, then abuses her after she's drunk it. He is vile when her family or friends visit, making everyone uncomfortable. He has started picking fights in front of their young DD, telling her that she is fat and he 'didn't sign up for this' (she is a size 10, btw). If she calls him on his behaviour, he turns it around on her. Eg., she told him that she was happier away from the house visiting family than at home with him, because of his behaviour. He said that she would be, because they were all piss heads (not true).

I am way out of my depth here, tbh. I listened and asked her what she thought, and she said that she felt that the curtains had been opened now that she could hear herself say these things out loud. She wants the situation to change. I told her that I would support her in any way that I can, and that her marriage was not 'normal', and that these 'arguments' were not ok. She brought up the possibility of approaching womens aid for advice, and I said that I thought that was a good idea (her H has talked a lot about 'his' money and her 'wasting it', so shes anticipating being penniless)Did I do the right thing? Should I have said anything else/different?

OP posts:
cestlavielife · 18/03/2010 13:06

no all you can do is listen... dpes sound like problems - maybe from both sides tho he clearly out of order telling a size 10 she is fat!!

but if she has /had a drink problem she should not be drinnking the wine he pours...

aslo "she was drinking too much, but he offered no help or support" what was he supposed to do? only the person who drinks can help themselves - is very hard for someone else to do it for them...

ChickensHaveSinisterMotives · 18/03/2010 13:08

I mean that he didn't even show concern as to why his wife was suddenly drinking more. Just told her she was disgusting. I just imagine that if I was suddenly necking bottles of wine, my DH would ask me what was wrong, and could he help sort of thing.

OP posts:
NicknameTaken · 18/03/2010 15:21

Yes, you did the right thing to encourage her to go to WA. I'm so glad to hear that she is getting stronger and seeing this situation for what it is.

The usual recommendation (someone has to do it!) - you could also suggest she reads the book "Why does he do that?" by Lundy Bancroft. Easily acquired on Amazon. You can offer to keep it at your house if she doesn't want him to see it.

harimosmummy · 18/03/2010 15:26

Gosh... Lots I would like to say.... CAn you CAT me?

ChickensHaveSinisterMotives · 18/03/2010 15:50

I don't know how, harimosmummy

OP posts:
harimosmummy · 18/03/2010 21:03

Press the contact poster button!!

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