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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

how to cope with a terrible divorce situation

9 replies

peeke · 18/03/2010 12:40

I am suffering badly,going through a terrible situation with my ex....he has moved within half a mile of me and systematically 'stolen' away two of our three sons by brainwashing,emotional abuse,etc.He's told them that they can't love both of us,they have to choose...I'm a liar,bitch,etc(I left him,unsurprisingly.He is a manipulative bully with a personality disorder)The boys(13 and 12)now stay with himm full time and won't come to me at all and are full of rage,confusion and sorrow.My younger son(10)comes to me a bit,but is torn because he wants to be with his brothers.My youngest daughter(8)wants to be with me,but will go to her fathers as well,buthe refuses to have anything to do with our eldest daughter who is 15,and won't include her in anything,nor have her over.
We've had our first custody hearing and tghe judge decided(thank god)that is was such an extreme case,that a child psychologist needed to become involved to counsel and help the children,and analyse us....(god only knows what they will make of him....)
I live in pretty constant anguish and am just waiting.....texting all the time....my children are all hurting badly....

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NicknameTaken · 18/03/2010 12:47

No good advice, but a lot of sympathy. This must be incredibly painful. Hope the psychologist can help. What an unbelievably cruel way for your ex to treat your dcs (and you).

2rebecca · 18/03/2010 13:21

Who are you texting all the time? Please don't constantly hassle your sons with texts, it sounds as though they have enough emotional manipulation from their dad without you joining in.
It sounds an awful situation but the psychologist involvement sounds hopeful. If you keep in touch with all your kids (but don't pester them, phonecalls or letters or daily emails better than constant texts, and don't fill them all with stuff about you and how upset you are, try to sound like someone they want to be with, someone who will support them, not someone needing their support)then in the long term these things usually work out OK as kids get older they get better at assessi9ng personailities and seeing manipulation and who is there for them, not themselves.

Anniegetyourgun · 19/03/2010 09:11

My guess is he won't have anything to do with the eldest because she is old enough to be able to resist the mind games.

My ex did this, though it was nowhere as extreme as yours, as he is rather weak and silly. The DCs didn't know what was going on, they only knew that Mummy was being rather peculiar, and if they stayed with Daddy they could keep the house and (in the case of DS4, who was 9) be looked after - I spent most of the day at work and then collapsed in front of my PC in the evening, killing dragons as a form of stress relief/avoidance. For a short while they believed his story that I was leaving them all to live with a young lover, probably overseas. (The day he said to DS4 "How would you feel about having a younger daddy?", making the little fellow burst into tears, was the day I absolutely knew I was right to divorce him.) They soon realised that was rubbish; but they still couldn't understand why I was breaking up their happy home, as an awful lot of the emotional abuse took place between just the two of us, and the DCs were used to the frightful conditions we lived in and couldn't see how unacceptable it was. I plugged on with the divorce and forced the sale of the house, which was another cause of resentment (it was never realistic to keep it, he was just stringing them along of course). The older ones moved in with him, the youngest was supposed to spend a week with each of us by turns but kept begging to go to his dad's and made excuses to stay over etc. I thought I had lost them. It didn't help that I was struggling with depression and didn't feel I was a fit parent so they would be better off with their dad, who at least they were used to.

Two years later, though, it's a different story. Two of them live with me full time, the other two having their own lives now use my place as a base when needed, and they all avoid seeing him as much as possible, though they do pity him. The school actually asked me to take DS4 full time as they were worried about the effect living with his dad was having on him; the others are grown-up and made their own choices. I still kill too many dragons but nobody's starved yet.

Mind you I don't believe XH was evil, just a deeply insecure person so frightened of being on his own that he would do any underhand bastardy thing it took to ensure none of us left. (He could have tried being nice, but let's not be silly, eh?) He couldn't control me any more, but for a while he could control them, and justified it as "keeping the family together", uniting them all against me. It has been a difficult balancing act to explain this to them while at the same time not encouraging them to hate their own father. He loved them very much, he just had a bloody peculiar way of showing it.

DS4 (now a relaxed, intelligent teenager) said to me the other day "I didn't know what was going on; I thought you were the bad guy." I said I couldn't blame him at all for believing that, the way things looked, but am so so glad that he is with me now.

Chin up, it will almost certainly come right in the end, as you have official support. It will take a while to sort your poor DCs' confused little heads out after this treatment, though.

Anniegetyourgun · 19/03/2010 09:11

Ooh, that was long

cestlavielife · 19/03/2010 11:07

defeintiely you need support for yourself and the chldren need support.

hopefully the psychologist can help. are the children doing ok at school?

do you get support for yourself, a counsellor?

annie - wow, what a lot you all been thru...and can see shades of my ex --deeply insecure/needy (but uses control/anger rather than being "nice" or "normal"... fortunately children reside with me... but his broken record is still about how i borke up the family and how i am "abusing" him and the children....

StewieGriffinsMom · 19/03/2010 11:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

peeke · 20/03/2010 10:18

thank you so much for your support....I do keep the texts light,centered around football,our puppies,etc.I see an excellent therapist and have family and friends to support me.I get overwhelmed by anguish,and the thought of the pain that he is putting them through but I know that I have to keep steady.Oh,and I'm involved with the church....that really helps.

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peeke · 20/03/2010 10:26

anniegetyourgun...he sounds exactly like A....insecure,controlling,abusive....scared and totally unscrupulous.The judge got the measure of him within seconds...how can anyone treat their children like this??I can understand him hating me(he always has anyway)but to use them in this shameless selfish way....

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peeke · 21/03/2010 18:53

all weekend gone and I didn't see my boys at all....wait,wait wait...its so hard and that f..bastard is still in control.for the moment.

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