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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

controlling over money..

22 replies

mopsera · 18/03/2010 11:49

my partner has big control issues..all our benefits go to his,acc.i finally lost patience today and blocked a paypal payment by cancelling my cards...which means we have 20 quid til monday.he lectures me abt my past debts and that im a shopaholic bt spends far more on booze ....he also has an alcohol problem...

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 18/03/2010 12:02

How long have you been together?.

He does not deserve to be given the term "partner"; he is acting more like your jailer than a partner.

What are you getting out of this relationship?. Why are you with someone like this who has such serious issues?. You don't have to rescue and or save him from himself.

Would add that such controlling behaviour re finances is also abusive behaviour. I won't even start on his alcohol problem as well. You know this is a complete non starter really, what keeps you there now?.

GypsyMoth · 18/03/2010 12:07

Why do your benefits all go to him?

Original poster
mopsera · 18/03/2010 14:13

the benefits go to him as he signs on for us ...and he decided my shopping habit needed to b controlled, bt now we live in a village and im much less into shops these days ..

now he spends far more than me on his booze avg abt 20-30 pnds / wk and any money i spend is usually on baby not me.he will still complain tho if i get chocs even tho he eats them too...!

he is blind to how he is and refuses to look at his side of things...he sees any money i get as 'ours' eg xmas money went on our move not for me...as he had wasted money in a binge with his mates.

i am now realising i hv 2 keep money secret tho i prefer 2 b open, and wish id done this b 4 so cld hv saved a bit for myself by now.
on top of this he bitches to his ex/ mum saying i waste our money! the reason i freakd abt the paypal was as it was sellers fees gng from my acc.for his stuff.

what else..he has an ex who he hasnt rly let go of who is 'his best freind' and in who he confieds far more honestly than me...he seems to think its ok..i wish i cld b a 'fly on the wall' wen he stays there i wld love to know what he says and how is with her.he still calls her darling and says i love u, miss u etc bt insists its only friendship.

he is supportive/ works hard bt im getting tired of the control and his ex

OP posts:
Original poster
mopsera · 18/03/2010 14:18

p.s i met him a year and half ago via' gumtree' internet community noticeboard..hes pretty nuts bt also bright despite a f**d up family ( more abusive/ codependant stuff)

OP posts:
GypsyMoth · 18/03/2010 14:24

hmmm...i think i'd be pinning him back up on that noticeboard!!

why doesnt he work?

FoxtrotLima · 18/03/2010 14:33

So your half of the money is subsidising his drinking and he STILL lectures you about money!!

I'd split up if I were you. he sounds a drinker and he is controlling and using you and trying to make you feel like he is looking after you.

I lived with a man who 'financially abused' me. It's little-known and most people haven't heard of it. My x earned 90k a year and put 150 a month into my account. If I said I needed more, he'd say, what did you do with the Children's allowance?? It was hard to manage on so little money. I lived in poverty in a beautiful house on a lovely road.

FoxtrotLima · 18/03/2010 14:34

ps, if you've only been with him 18 months, you can get out of this. You don't have a child together!? give him his p45 immediately and rearrange for your benefits to go into YOUR account.

Original poster
mopsera · 18/03/2010 14:36

hes looking for work..bt keeps changing his mind as to where/ what etc. he wants to move back nr his ex & me go btwn the 2 places. i think this wld b beta..i want 2 meets somone nxt who rly apprecs me/ doesnt live in/ control me/ or compare me to his 'wonderful' ex!plus who isnt so picky/critical.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 18/03/2010 14:37

Two words - bin him.

Why are you with someone like this, what on earth attracted you to him to go as far as to set up home with him in the first place?.
Did you expect you could make him "change"?.

You did not answer my comment re what you are getting out of this relationship now. I presume you do not yourself know yourself and cannot therefore answer.

You're in a hole, you can dig your way out.

Portofino · 18/03/2010 14:39

Do you have a dc?

Original poster
mopsera · 18/03/2010 14:47

yes i get the finance can b abusive..that makes sense..he has a w**r of a dad who basically wrecked his family thru becoming an alcoholic & now his brother is dead thru heroin & hep c..he has traits of his dad who is also v sexist

my partner himself started drinking in his early teens..taking sips of beer from cans left around b4 he used to go to school!he's a good man mainly bt bit mad & i hate him when he drinks

we have a 9 week old baby who is adorable, & that is holding us together..tho sometimes it feels like im a baby machine as he's already pushing for another....i havent told him yet bt i dont want any more ( im 40 )bt as it is i dont mind if he moves on to have more as i dont think we can live./ be togther too much longer! bt we will stay friends & he will want to see baby reg. i know plus will help financially.

OP posts:
Original poster
mopsera · 18/03/2010 14:52

im new what is a dc- a child? yes..(see above)

..what im getting out of this? well, usual story, i guess;
i love him & see his best side too..he is an amazingly dynamic man who has helped me move my life along from a rut..& an empty bridget jones existance with debts & no kids.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 18/03/2010 14:56

I feel for the child here. Your baby should not be used and cannot be used as the glue to hold this dysfunctional relationship together. It will not work.

Your child will not thank you for staying with such an awful role model for a Dad. He himself comes from a dysfunctional family and is repeating the patterns he learnt back in childhood. Did you expect otherwise?.

You are also not a baby making machine; maybe your man thinks he can keep you at home if you were to have another child by him. Yet more control on his part quite apart from his inherent alcoholism and ex g/f whom he still wants from the sound of it.

I would not count on him helping you at all financially if you were to split although he is legally responsible for his son till he comes of age. He is not at all responsible, he is an alcoholic and is not working.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 18/03/2010 15:01

"I love him & see his best side too..he is an amazingly dynamic man who has helped me move my life along from a rut..& an empty bridget jones existance with debts & no kids".

The above comments of yours are so fatuous it breaks my heart.

What would you say to a friend who told you the above?.

"I love him". Oh for goodness sake. Well love is blind. I can only assume your self esteem and worth were and remain through the floor if you think that someone like this was worth at all having any sort of relationship with. Were you afraid of being on your own?. You went from a life with problems of your own making (you could have paid off your debts) into another with deeply rooted problems of his own making. And you both chose to bring a child into this dysfunction as well!!!.

You will be better off without him and his issues in it. He will drag you and your child down with him and he won't give a toss that he has done so.

FoxtrotLima · 18/03/2010 15:33

oh hon, congratulations on your baby. Life would be easier without two babies. One of whom fights with you all the time about everything that you think is reasonable and fair.

I know you say you see a good side to him, but separate your lives and you will be able to 'enjoy' the good in him from a distance, whilst protecting your life. I left my x when the children were one and four and the one year old obviously accepts everything without question. So don't stay with a financially abusive alcoholic man just because he is your baby's father. You have to put your baby first.

SolidGoldBrass · 18/03/2010 15:38

FFS you are 40 and you still think that any man, whether that's an alcoholic parasite, or presumably a violent thug is better than singlehood? Get a grip. Dump this man and start building a life for yourself and your baby without him leeching off you.

AnyFucker · 18/03/2010 18:52

what attila and sgb said

OP...you are 40 ?

nah, not possible

sorry

GypsyMoth · 18/03/2010 18:58

On her profile AF.....

AnyFucker · 18/03/2010 19:18

maybe TBB

chronologically 40...perhaps ?

emotionally ? no

GypsyMoth · 18/03/2010 23:12

either way....i'd bin him!!

tortoiseonthehalfshell · 18/03/2010 23:19

The guy's an unemployed, sexist, abusive alcoholic who's shagging his "ex", lectures you on how awful you supposedly are and thinks he has the right to dictate what you do with your body.

You're 40. Grow up and leave him.

ItsGraceAgain · 18/03/2010 23:55

What was your dad like, OP? Did your mum rely on him to make all the big decisions?

Next question: Is his ex an alchie?

Last: Is it possible to go & see the benefits people, get your signing changed and check out your status if you were to separate?

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