Is my marriage over?

[usuallyalurker]

My H and I have been together 14 yrs, married for 6. Have 2 DC and have been having probs for past 2.5 yrs, since DC2 was born. Looking back it's obvious I had PND but didn't see Dr, but this has passed now. Just the pressures of 2 small DC and a hectic work life have meant we have grown apart, and for thew past 2 yrs we keep going round in circles, arguing, discussing splitting up, neither us of going thorough with it and then trying again and then things are Ok for a couple of months until we argue again and the cycle continues. We have had a disagreement this week, H sulking and barely speaking to me, me doing the same back as I'm peed off with him. he has been shitty to me and we have both said things we shouldn't have done. this morning he said he will move into another bedroom, but we will talk tonight, but he feels we can be amicable and be friends and all live together in the same house, as to keep the family together for the sake of the kids. Neither of us want to upset the kids and they both adore their dad.
It's just the same old crap every time, we don't have what he expects a relationship to be, we don't have enough closeness between us and certainly not enough sex for him. I don't know what to think or feel anymore. Don't feel like he loves me, not sure how I feel. Obviosuly a relationship changes when you have the pressure of small children and both have busy stressful jobs. We have little time on our own, families are useless at babysitting or even thinking to offer. H has only a couple of friends who he sees, he never goes out, has little social life so we are together every evening and we have argued before and I have told him I can't give him everything to fulfil his social life, i'm knackered and want to go to bed at 8pm most nights, but stay up for a quiet life.
Don't know why i'm posting, but have told no-one in RL yet, but they will all be shocked and upset. Can't afford the house on my own, don't want to upset the DC, but don't want to carry on like this, will it ever get better. We used to be V happy and close but it's like having the DC has destroyed any relationship we had. I'm sure H feels we are the only ones like this. Don't know what to say to him tonight, don't know how to move forward or even if it's worth it. He said he have no future given the past 2 yrs. Sorry, just keep crying, don't know how to get out of this mess.

Anyone come back from a similar situation? I'm so tired I can't think straight.

You've certainly got problems but that doesn't mean it is over. Only you and he can decide that. Your relationship is clearly under stress with small children and your PND won't have helped.

It worries me somewhat that you are so knackered that you want to go to bed at 8pm every night. I know it is hard with young children but that sounds a bit much to me (mind you, I'm only a man). Are you sleeping properly? I'd be tempted to visit the doctor just to make sure there's nothing wrong. I know how much my wife resisted that suggestion when she was run down. When she finally did go it turned out she needed some iron tablets which sorted her out pretty quickly. Being less run down also made her much happier with life generally. But that may be a complete red herring.

You seem to have got trapped in a cycle of behaviour which isn't helping you. Having arguments is normal. You should be able to cope with that without going into sulks with each other. To be blunt, you sound like you are both behaving like spoilt children. Not that there's anything unusual in that - many couples do it.

It seems clear there are issues here which aren't being addressed. The lack of time to yourselves is probably part of the problem but there may be other things which need resolving as well. I wouldn't focus on the sex thing - if the rest of the relationship was ok there is a good chance that would just fall into place. It may be that you should consider counselling to help you sort things out. A good counsellor will help you to communicate on the difficult issues.

I'm sure he loves you, not least because we generally only act the way you describe with people we love! So here's a thought. Can you name three things he does that show you he loves you. And can you name three things you do that show him you love him. I know you aren't sure if you do love him but often doing loving things is enough to make the feelings follow.

I think, underneath it all, you want your marriage to work and aren't ready to give up on 14 years yet. It won't be easy but you can do it.

Good luck.

Re-reading my post, I see that I've sometimes used "you" to mean you whereas at other times I've used it to mean you and your husband. I hope it is reasonably clear. Sorry.

Must learn to write clearer English...

ok, sorry to hear what you're going through, but it sounds almost exactly like dh & i about a year after dd was born, and it carried on for a year.

We BOTH felt like we had no social life, that the other one expected too much of us, that we weren't loved/appreciated etc etc.

We had one of those awful late night convo.s where you think 'this is it'.

Does that sound familiar?

For us, it started with us both deciding that no matter what, we would not snipe/gripe at each other. No matter HOW annoyed we were, we would, quite literally, bite our tongues & leave the room to avoid an argument.

We also agreed to some practical 'rules' - he felt I was always nagging about housework, I felt he wasn't doing enough. So we agreed to do half an hour each eve, and about 1 hours a day at weekends. If it didn't get done in that time, I just had to shut up & put up, but he would do his 'bit'.

also, we had a strict 'turn taking' approach to weekend mornings - he got a lie in on Sat am, I got Sun.

And we started looking at ways to improve the social life for each of us. For him, a 'swift' pint after work was easiest, so we became more flexible about getting home for dinner. Also, he started to go sailing with someone from work & then went at weekends sometimes.

DD is now 6, and we are together & happy. In fact, 15 months ago, we moved to the US, so have been very insular & reliant upon each other. Social life picking up now, though, and I would say that working through it was def worth it.

I did have a cold hard look at what life would be like if we split - for both of us it looked pretty grim. We both had good jobs, but even so, the difference in lifestyle (not just money & house, but the stress of being alone, the extra time you have to put in) made me more appreciative of what we had.

We never wrote out a list, but we did deliberately have a conversation where we talked about the GOOD parts of our relationship, even if we felt they were in the past, rather than trying to bring up problems.

A turning point for us, was not the weekend away alone that we managed (was horrible, we argued & had no sex), but a long car journey. dd fell asleep & we listened to music & talked about it - just like we used to. Suddenly we both felt that 'click' again with someone you feel right with. Took months for another moment like that, but it was a start.

No idea if this helps, but I think huge numbers of people go through this & just don't talk about it.

What a good post bridge. Lurker there are lots of things you can do here. You clearly still care enough to want to. See a doc just in case there is an underlying problem - I agree 8pm is pretty early. I've got 3 kids under 6 and am pg and am still ok at that time. My bf recently went to docs as she was tired all the time. Her iron count was 6.9! Anyhoo, that's an outside shot. Talk to each other and go to Relate. You can fix this.

Good luck.

Hi

I've come out of a similar cycle of arguments, got through to the other side and we are now happier than ever.

CBT helped me. It helped me understand that the way I was dealing with arguments or disagreements etc, well it wasn't working. It helped me look at things from a different angle and gave me strategies to change my behaviour.

My husband was a sulker and I was a shouter. We got into this stinking way of communicating with each other.

As Bridge says - arguments are normal. We now have arguments which we apologise to each other for and its gone, just like that. These very same arguments used to go on for days, sometimes weeks. We would hold onto grudges and throw up all our old bad behaviours and oh lord, thinking back, it was just horrible. I could easily have written your posts over the course of about 2 years.

Something dawned on me one day, which seems fairly obvious I suppose, but instead of being enemies I realised we were actually team mates - that I loved him, more than I've loved anyone else in my life and that I really wasn't showing him my love. The weird thing was that when I started showing him my love well his love came right back.

I have a couple of young kids and a busy stressful job but would never think of going to bed at 8pm every night, in fact the nights I fall asleep while putting the kids down I feel I have been cheated - its my time to do my hobby or read my book or whatever, its my time. I really think you need to have that checked out.

Thank you for the replies, I haven't told anyone in RL so feel pretty alone with all this. I hadn't thought about the doc's so will look into that. It's not 8pm every night but I def need to go to bed much earlier, but then i'm, usually up earlier with the children so put it down to that. Although we both have 'good' jobs it would be hard for us both to have what we have now, I certainly couldn't keep the house on my own. I don't know what he will say later, will wait and see how it goes. Thanks for the replies, it really means a lot as I feel very alone at the moment and desperately sad. I'm guilty of taking him for granted and not making time for 'us' as is H, although he would never admit it. Thanks for the replies.

I agree with the others. You sound hopelessly worn down, OP! You're never going to sort your life out (married or single) while you're in this state so the first thing to do is tell your GP and ask for some tests. Iron deficiency is a fairly common cause of tiredness; there are also things like hormonal imbalances & fluctuating blood sugar to consider. All of them can be fixed.

Next, you need to get a clearer picture about what the pair of you expect & wish for in your lives. It's very easy to forget that you're supposed to be having a good life, when there are so many "must-do"s to think about! Your youngest is just about to come out of the most taxing phase - just another 6 months or so to go! Even without PND, the first three years would test the patience of all but the most saintly parent. I think you both need to be very forgiving of each other for frayed tempers. Easier to see from the outside, heh.

Once you've had some inspiring conversations about where you want to be going, and how to achieve your ambitions, the next thing is to look at your obstacles. And get rid of them, as far as possible. Kickassangel's post is bursting with good ideas on balancing the load at home - and, as you both work, why not get some help in? You do your jobs: let the cleaners, ironers, babysitters and ready-meal makers do theirs.

Lastly ... It sounds like you could do with a holiday.
Good luck to both of you

Thank you notalways, and others too. Your words make a lot of sense. I should say I don't go to bed at 8pm, I just want to. Am usually awake before 6am and usually have a disturbed night, I frequently wake in the night. I will see how it goes later.

What is the balance of domestic work like at your house? Including stuff for the kids I mean.

I definately do 90%+ of housework, cleaning, cooking etc although I do work PT, but have the LO on my days off so struggle to get anything done then. H is very hands on with kids and it's 50/50 with thimgs like bathtime, and playing with etc. I do feel resentful that he is happy to let me get on with it, something that has been raised in the past but still no change. If we talk it is one of the things I would like to see him doing more of, cos sometimes I do feel like a skivvy and that doesn't help matters as I get annoyed with him for doing very little. H does work long hours and brings work home also and I understand that.

Couple of things that spring to mind - you are completely knackered partly because you are doing at least 75% of the domestic work. Sounds like he gets home from work and (sometimes) baths kids, then relaxes. You come home from work and have to do the washing, cooking, cleaning (I imagine there is a lot with two tiny kids), as well as half the bathtimes etc. Fair enough you have more time off but you can only do so much with a toddler around, and presumably you want to take him out, do activities etc, not just have him sit in the corner while you do things.

He needs to see that two of the main problems you have could be helped a lot by him taking on his role as an adult and a parent properly by doing his share of the usual grind of tasks. I bet you would feel "closer" and also more up for sex if he was a proper co-operative partner to you.

It's often stated on here, that the way to work out if your balance is fair, is to calculate whether both partners have the same amount of leisure time, whether to watch TV, go out, read a book or whatever. How does this work for the two of you? How much real free time (without kids/housework) do you both have?

Also if he has hardly any friends and doesn't go out much, do you go out? He is at home with the kids after all? Have you thought about taking up an activity, sport or singing or something you like?

lurker - i'm NOT a doc, but why the disturbed nights? is it the kids, or are you having trouble sleeping? dd has just been checked for iron cos she doesn't always sleep well - low iron can make you v tired & depressed, and interrupt sleep. def go to the docs to get checked.

i also had ongoing, low level helath probs after dd - turned out to be 5 years of sinus probs, until it got sorted i just ALWAYS felt ill, run down, headaches etc.

dh, naturally, couldn't believe that i was ill 100% of the time, and thought i was just whinging. if you're always tired etc, it could come across as 'poor me' - after all, it is difficult to believe that someone is ill all the time. def go to the docs & list ALL your probs - they can't diagnose without knowing them. i thought the 'face ache' was just me being silly, but turned out to be the sinuses.

it sounds like you & dh both want the same things, & feel the same about your lives. see that as an indication that you are a couple. if he is in agreement with you, agree some strategies, and follow them for a month.

dh & i thought we would sit & review things in a month or so - never got round to it as we were both feeling happier.

none of us are promising you a 'happy ever after' but your marriage sounds fairly typical for a couple with young kids, so don't write it off yet.

I am going through pretty much the same - it has been good to read through these posts and see that maybe it is possible to come out the other end. DH and I talked last night and agreed to put an evening aside every week to go through our issues using a self help book. Ordered a couple from Amazon last night. It's worth a try I guess.

Can I suggest you ask your family to babysit for you?
It sounds overly simplistic, but maybe they simply don't realise that you and your DH need some adult time.
My DH were stuck in a 'rut' and we started leaving the kids overnight with their grandparents and booking into a hotel.
What a turnaround.
I felt like a woman, rather than a parent.
If finances don't allow it, some time out at home away from the kids may really help you and your DH to reconnect.

It sounds like neither of you really want to end the marriage - just that you are both really worn out.