DH has left and wants to move further away

[lookingahead]

Recent name changer here ? Not sure if this should be on LP board but here we go......H left 5 months ago. Went to counselling but his heart wasn?t in it. We have a DD (almost 3) and I am due with DS in June. Having a bad week this week and seem to have taken a huge step back but generally I am starting to come to terms with it (on a good day) although I am still very sad about our family being broken up as it?s not what I wanted at all.....

He is in a rented flat a few miles away from where we live. He picks DD up once a week from childcare and spends a couple of hours with her before putting her to bed at our home and has her other every other weekend .Anyway he announced this week that the lease is up on his flat soon and he does not want to stay where he is . He had originally thought that he would get to spend more time with DD when he left and be more involved than I am ?allowing? (I work a 4 day week and see her for a tired and hurried hour each morning and evening ? not quality time) so do not want to give her up at a weekend any more than I already do ? so apart from one more night in the week I can?t really see what would work and still mean that I see her.

Anyway he is talking about moving quite far away ? 2-3 hours at least because he is not happy and ?needs to start doing something positive with his life? and is not happy where he is, He says that he can?t live on the peripherals of my life just counting down the days until he sees DD (who he loves dearly and claims to live for) and needs to start building a life of his own (would still see her as much as he does now). Apart from moving quite far away from DD I am thinking about the impact of this on me (from a helping out perspective)and our soon to be DS.

It was always going to an odd relationship with DS anyway with his Dad never living in the same house which is something else I am still really upset about and we have not got as far as discussing access but I feel he is running out on us too (even more than he already has). I am going to be left with 2 to cope with by myself and its not like I ever call him for help but I can see me needing his support once there are 2 here ? especially when I go back to work after mat leave and have to get 2 children to childcare in the mornings... but then I guess he does not have any obligation and could argue that he does not have enough access to DD at the moment to merit him being close by.

I was just wondering if anyone else has been in this position (I have heard of parents agreeing to live in the same postcode until the DCs are older ?). Am I being unreasonable or not ?

errr not sure with what's with all the question marks in my post..I am not asking that many questions but they seem to have inserted themselves everywhere!

i would turn this onto him!!

i would ask how he expects to be able to do the right thing by his dc's,whilst beginning a new life where he pleases. ask him how he will pay maintenence...does he have a job to go to?

ask him how he will build a relationship with ds....little and often is needed when so small....how will he do this??

as for dd,he has the standard anount of access most non resident parents have anyway! how will he continue this? where will she be sleeping?

you know,this makes me so cross!! my own ex moved 230 miles away and this was 5 years ago. he hasnt seen them once since. this is quite commmon tho..sadly

dont make it easy for him to just walk away,because i think he's doing exactly that

Hi TBB- He is very aware of his maintenence etc and that's one thing I know he will not back out of. He works in London and I think will plan to commute so that's not an issue -
but you are right about the other issue - I hhave heard that little and often is what is needed for very small babies(not really read into it yet but I can understand that). I think he he thinking that he can still see DD the same as he does now and in time DS will be included in that. I have not spoken to him about access for DS but I guess this is the trigger for that conversation as you say.

And... I have not really relied on hm for anything of a practical nature so far with DD as have not really wanted to but I think things will have to change once I have 2 and that's the other big concern I have....

It is great if you can rely on him for things of a practical nature. However, you are separated so you can't assume that. You may need to find other sources of practical support.

As a man myself, I've read through your post and tried to get into his head. I have to say I've failed miserably!

I wonder if he is finding it difficult being so close to you and DD but seeing so little of her. Contact is always difficult. I only saw my daughters on alternate weekends after my first marriage broke up. I found that very difficult but it didn't make me want to move away.

I understand that you don't want to give him any more contact as you feel you don't get enough quality time with your DD as it stands.

At the moment, if I understand you correctly, in a typical fortnight you will have your DD for one weekend, two full days, eight mornings and six evenings. She will spend 12 or 13 nights at your house. In the same time he will have your DD for one weekend and one evening. She will spend 1 or 2 nights at his house. I am not criticising you, just suggesting it might be worth thinking about that.

Of course, that may be a complete red herring. I don't know if he would stay if there was more contact. It may be that he is finding it difficult to move on while he lives so close to you.

For your children's sake as well as yours, I hope you find a way forward that works for all of you.

Poor you, my ex did just the same. Lived 5 mins away for a few months and then sold up to live with his new GF 2 hours away. He now sees the kids one night a fortnight. Never comes to anything at school, has no idea what they do or who their friends are. I get no help at all as he moved us 200 miles away from all our friends on relocation just before he left us! I think he is a selfish twat but feel more sorry for the kids who will some day grow up to realise their dad just pissed of and left them

Elasatmum

rubbish hey ? I I have no idea if there is an OW - Claims there was a brief fling but that is over -I flit between thinking she is the whole reason she left and then believing that she is not on the scene - He seems so f*cked in the head right now that I am not sure he would be capable of a relationship - I am sure it will all become clear in time anyway....

Like you I feel really sorry for my DD but almost more so for my as yet unborn DS who will never have any sort of proper relationship with him - He'll never even live in he same house even in the very early years.. what a sh*t. as usual unable to take anyone else into account and can only see what he 'needs' to do to make himself feel better. (and claims to be a devoted father at the same time...grrrrr

My DH moved 2hrs away from his ex after his divorce. He sees his lads every other weekend for two nights and half of all the half terms and summer holidays with alternate christmas, new years and birthdays with each parent having mothers day and fathers day with the children. DH has always paid maintenance.

DH has done all of the driving in the last 5 years, after all he moved away. Our fuel bill just for access is around £250 a months. He is still very involved in the lads schools and knows what they do generally through the week. Both parents share important news with each other if it affects the children's welfare.

This all happens because both parents care for the children. DH chose to move away and start a new life and has had to work hard to make sure his children from his first marriage feel every inch a part of our family when they are with us.

I believe a lot of it is down to the people involved. If he is looking for a way out of his responsibilities then he will find it. I know, having an absent father in one of my children's lives how distressing it can be.

At the end of the day if you are planning on divorcing each other then both of you are allowed to move on and start a new life, however each parent has to factor their children into their new life and work out how they plan on communicating with each other in the years to come.

DH's EXW and I are NOT friends at all however we smile and say hello to each other and discuss the welfare of her children and she tells me any new information about them to pass on to DH if I have to pick them up instead of DH.

Anything is possible - people just have to WANT it.

It sounds to me like he is using the threat of moving away in order to get you to give in to him in some way. It may be that his OW has binned him and he wants to get his feet back under the table in your house (but with license to shag around).

I will say up front that I think I recognise you - and therefore I think that the relationship with OW is still ongoing and that she is possibly pressurising him to make a fresh start with her miles away. If he "lives for seeing his DD", I cannot see his logic in moving 2-3 hours drive away and why moving so far away would help him to "get on with his life". Living in close proximity doesn't prevent him moving on with his life at all.

In summary, I think he is being disingenuous with you about his reasons for doing this.

Thanks for your posts. Yes It is me and no I still have no idea what?s really going on (have not asked him of late about if there is an OW ? have tried to put it to the back of my mind as the obsessing was driving me crazy and doing me no good at all but he openly tells me that he is really lonely, sad by himself and has no-one to talk to without me asking anything)... So yes I think there is a possibility of this although I am not 100% sure. He would have no chance of bumping into me or any of my friends if he moved away and could live the kind of life I am sure he would want to be doing. But if this IS the case then what can I do ? I am ?booked? a meeting with him away from DD this week to talk with him about what kind of relationship he wants with our DS when he arrives in June.

It?s a real mess IMO ? He can?t have one relationship with our DD and disown our DS just because he didn?t want another baby and didn?t have the b*llocks to let me know. He had already left me the week before I found out I was pregnant and placed the decision of whether ir not to go ahead with the pregnancy firmly in my court.

I told him yesterday that I thought it was really ?wrong? that he is going to have a son that he will never live in the same house as or have a proper relationship with ? to which he response was ?Well I agree with you but you made the decision to keep it knowing we wouldn?t be together? ? WTF ? Does he think that alleviates any guilt he should be feeling just because he 'let' me decide?! I am not sure if he really is finding it hard to be so close and only seeing DD once in the week and spending every other weekend with her or your theory is correct.... But what can I do about it anyway ? Am finding the whole thing really tough ATM

You know, it really does hurt - in a horrible, deep, unsettling way but with time it gets easier. My first DH left 2 weeks before our DD was born and I honestly did not know how I would get through the next few weeks - the range of emotions you feel are extreme.

I think you have to detach from him a bit and focus on yourself. By organising your own life with just you and the children you will be sending him a signal that he cannot use you to play his games.

I would not wish this situation upon anyone but having been through it twice with my first two children I can totally empathise with what you are saying. Seriously, find the strength within, accept the situation as it is just now and do what you have to do as a mother and individual.

The only upside is that as upset as I was when my first marriage ended in divorce (I never wanted my children to experience coming from a broken home) I am more happy now than I have ever been in my life with anyone...a little light at the end of the tunnel perhaps?

Thanks FSS Yes as you know it hurts soo much.Do you mind me asking how is/was the relationship like between your DD and your exDH if he left just before the birth ? Was it your first ?

I have had really good (ok not good but ok ) weeks and terrible ones since he left - am in counselling, have a realy good supoort network and DD for the most part has been great. I know I should do as my username suggests but I can't help the feelings of extreme bitterness at the way he left (very suddenly - no warning - just walked out) and his attitude now. I guess that just fades in time too does it ?

LA, I can't guess what name you have previously posted under

but I have probably replied to you

I just wanted to say, you sound great and I wish you all the best in your difficult situation x

keep posting

Ah thanks AF. not sure if you have replied to me but a lot of your posts get me through the day at work (through a combination of sane/honest advice to others and making me laugh). I think my problem (You would agree) is that I am still in shock and disbelief about how he left and the fact that we were left (in his words - "I didn't walk out on DD - whether you like it or not I walked out on you' - in my mind by doing one he did the other surely ? anyway). I know a lot of stories on here build up with years of abuse and unhappiness. I was really happy and so it's hard to let go of that. I need to toughen up to do battle and start valuing myself more in a 'what a tw*t - he's not worthy of me sharing my life with him' way rather than still being so upset, gutted and bitter.

upset, gutted and bitter is understandable

he is an utter dickhead and will live to regret his stupidity...he will never admit it properly, though

just make sure you counteract it with tough, worthy and valuing yourself

Lookingahead - my EXH left 2 weeks before the birth as the woman he was having an affair with had just gotten pregnant - I found that out a couple of years later. However it make it all clear to me as to why he has never set eyes on my daughter - who has subsequently been adopted by my now DH.

My first born Son has never seen his father at all as he never wanted anything to do with me or him when I told him I was pregnant. I was 19 at the time of my son's pregnancy and 28 at the time of my daughter's pregnancy.

The feelings of anger and bitterness are a totally natural response to being suddenly abandoned like this and over time it will fade but you have to allow yourself to go through the emotional journey that comes with this situation in order that you come out the other side stronger and more educated.

The biggest thing I learned about my first marriage was to never allow myself to be dependant on a man again so that if my second marriage failed I would not be left like a fish on the beach gasping for life.

Good luck and always remember your dignity in front of him and the children - never give him ammunition to criticise you because he will use it if he needs to.