DH, midlife crisis??

[smileyrainbow]

Hello

Have just joined mn so all new, but have found myself in a situation with dh that I never imagined (call me blind) - found out on New Years eve, whilst friends here enjoying supper with our teenagers that he is/has developed a friendship with a young lady who he can talk to and empathise with! He went upstairs to talk to her on his iphone where I found him(constantly attached to phone these days), we of course returned to our guests and carried on all very jolly til they went home - apparently he has been unhappy for at least six months and this young lovely, only 26, I am 41, he is 49, is someone he can talk to etc He feels he needs space and everything is claustraphobic here - we have a 7 and 15 yr old. Sex is good, but just appears to be that, he says he still loves me,and has stopped with the empathising, but I am so hurt and sad and angry, and usually I am quite a happy character - sounding a bit dramatic for me, but everything seems wrong.....and I didn't even know it!!!!! He works in media so is always out and about, but now wants to stay a way for a night a week for some space, but surely if you are away then why come back if you dislike it all so much, or feel so hemmed in? Also obsessed by his weight, fitness, appearance, very short tempered - 15 yr old certainly noticing absences and general bad vibes - is this some sort of midlife crisis and do they come out the other side or what am I doing?? Feeling very out of kilter - have told my mum who is sympathetic but not sure of way forward, off to GP tomorrow for chat, but maybe some help will come from here?

I would insist he stops the friendship NOW for one thing, just to see his reaction - he's old enough to be this young lady's father, it sounds like very dangerous territory to me.
From what I've gleaned from other (all too frequent ) threads on here , it's classic distancing behaviour and if he hasn't already started an affair with her, it's likely he will.

I'd be checking his Iphone / emails too.

Sorry to hear your predicament. You sound like anice person who won't want to do what I'm suggestign, but I do think you should take some time to quietly check his emails and iPhone as the previous poster has advised. I never thought I'd be there sort of person who did that - but I was and I'm glad I did because what I found out was invaluable and avoided the problem of DH denying stuff to me when confronted. Good luck

I am so sorry

this sounds like to me like your DH is at the very least, having an emotional affair with this girl young enough to be his daughter

at the very best, it is pathetic and laughable and be aware that people are probably taking the piss out of him behind his back (and by default...you are also getting humiliated)

at worst, if this young lady were to give him the green light, it sounds like his secrecy and distancing himself from you is setting the scene for him to sleep with her

I wouldn't necessarily believe he hasn't done that already, tbh

what kind of things does he get "empathy" about from her ? His relationship with you ?

How hard his life is and that nobody understands him like she does?...bullshit

personally, here, call me selfish but I would not ever stand for someone else making me the object of ridicule

I can do that for myself, thank you very much, and I would seriously consider telling him to leave the family home and not come back until he has decided where his priorities lie

if he goes to her...well, then you have your answer

Huge mid life crisis.

"but now wants to stay away for a night a week for some space" - I've never heard it called that before. Alarm bells are ringing. There are serious distancing signs going on here.

I'm trying to think of something constructive to say but am struggling with this one. He seems to be going down the 'I want to be young again' route and is in serious danger of making a complete idiot of himself whilst destroying the good things he does have.

Is he surrounded by much younger people at work?

He has been unhappy for six months... what wimp... people who leave or have affairs, normally have been unhappy for years.

I would suggest going to Relate to sort what is going on and find a way you both can get/offer what you need at home. If he insists in the affair let him go (sorry but one night away a week, my...., that is like asking for approval to sleep with her once a week), but make sure he is aware you won't be available to take him back either.

Poor you! If he isnt already having an affiar he is certainly well on the way. Agree with others on this thread. It is a classic reaction, distancing himself from you so he can justify an affair elsewhere. Having been there and emerged from my husbands mid life crisis as a single parent I am not sure I can offer any really good advice apart from trust your instincts, dont sweep it under the carpet and dont go along with his lillte plan. It sounds to me like the one night a week is a way of 'trying out' a new relationship before he decides whetehr to ditch the old one.

I have found this site and folk on it invaluable -midlifeclubforum.com/index.php#1

Theyve recently moved site so a bit more confusing than it used to be but worth persevering.

This Link might help.

My DH had some sort of mid life crisis, pushed the self destruct button, breakdown, whatever, ended up leaving me for OW for six weeks - not sure if OW/affair was what pushed him over the edge but it was the catalyst for change. We spent about 4 months at Relate and marriage is still a work in progress.

Not sure what to suggest but do some snooping and confront and work on yourself ie do stuff that makes you feel good, let him see that you have a life etc beyond him.

Good luck.

And yes sorry your having to face this issue. Its tough.

To be crude I think the space he is looking for is between her legs.

Whatever - he is destroying the trust between you - and that is not fair on you or DC's.

If you were sneaky, you could find out the young lady's name and have lunch or something with her - any friend of your husbands etc - you will then have more of an idea as to whether it is a mid life crisis (ie he is imaging that she is attracted to him and really she is just being nice and letting an old man talk to her because she feels sorry for him) or if there is really something deeper going on.

One night away - he stays or he goes - no half way house. Oh and if you are still having sex you might want to take precaustions against STDs. Yuck but has to be said.

yes, wkd, I agree

get yourslef tested, OP

your DH is certainly toying with the idea of sleeping with someone else

his brains appear to be in his pants at the moment...could you be sure he wasn't putting you at risk, as well as himself?

countingto10...Thank you so much for that link.

I actually though I'd 'lost the plot' within myself - but that link has explained everything for me regarding my own self/life examining, following those pages through explained so much!

I shall show it to my DH later it is so much clearer than my own ramblings when trying to explain how I feel.

< Hijack over...I just really felt the need to say thanks.>

I agree with most of what the other people have advised so far, a lot of this happened to me.
I had my suspicions about exH for about 18 months with no proof, I kept checking but didn't find any. I became paranoid about everything, drove myself crazy with worry. He did the distancing thing too. Eventually I got my proof, a txt, and confronted him. He now lives with OW. I have been tested, I have started legal action, house up for sale etc.
I am still desperately sad our marriage is over, I thought it would last forever, but the not knowing was worse than the knowing. I wish I had found out about the affair sooner, my life has been a sham for 3 years. I would advise that you find out for sure if they are having an affair, confront him, you will feel better in the end, knowing the truth. Trust your instincts.

Marsha, it explained to me what was going on with my DH and TBH he is still coming to terms/processing himself, he is still having to confront aspects of his personality that he doesn't like and was responsible for his behaviour eg he never thought of himself as arrogant but given what has happened and was happening preceding the affair he has realised that he was very arrogant as a person.

We both had dysfunctional families and I am worried I haven't even started my midlife crisis yet but after everything that has happened I think I deserve one

countingto10...I'm a fully paid up member of the dysfunctional family club too!

My erm 'confusion' started about 2 years ago and I think I'm nearly out the otherside. Phew!

I never wanted or looked for an affair though...I just became very 'at odds' with the differences between whom I saw in the mirror and how I felt inside. As if they were two separate people...finally the mirror image and my inside person seem to be becoming one at last!

My example ......for 20 years I was a mowhawked, multiple pierced (25 of them), boot wearing rebel.....now I only wear one set of earrings in and have natural curly none coloured hair and a very non confrontational attitude.

Finally, I feel I am nearly at peace with myself...all of myself even the icky bits!

My 'mask' was my dress sense to save me from appearing vulnerable...now I don't mind being vulnerable I know I have the life skills to cope if anything untoward does happen.

Oh and DH married me pre rebel status so he doesn't mind the real me emerging again...I think he quite likes the 'two wives' in one thing!

Sounds kind of classic. Terrified of fiftieth birthday coming up, working in media, which is mainly a young person's game, now getting his ego (and possibly more - sorry) stroked by a young woman who looks up to him and makes him feel young.

Interesting idea of WkdSM's to try to have lunch or something with the woman - kind of keep your friends close but enemies closer type of thing. It could well be a good idea to try to get to know her so she finds out you are not mad or bad, as your DH has probably told her you are. Meanwhile, if DH wants someone to listen to him and empathise, can't he get himself off to a therapist?

Ahem, less of the 'sad old git' stuff please! (24 yr age gap between me and DP)

But yes, what he is doing is not on. Nobody 'just talks', sorry but it is a load of arse. I would be very annoyed if he was sneaking off to talk to her all the time. I think it counts as an emotional affair. Don't make the mistake of thinking she is probably just feeling sorry for him - if she is bothering to have long phone conversations it's because she fancies him.

You don't say in what way you have reacted - if he knows you know, and you aren't reacting, he could think you don't really mind. Please disabuse him of this notion. If I was you I would just stamp on it - tell him you view it as emotional infidelity, it's affecting the kids and if he carries on you will have to take action. But also ask him what in particular is wrong with your relationship, maybe arrange to have some time by yourselves. Your kids are 7 and 15 - can you leave them with grandparents/aunt etc for a few days and go off by yourselves?

Don't let the midlife crisis story make you feel sorry for him. He is still betraying you, emotional affair or sexual. A nobber is still a nobber, whatever his age or current pseudo-crisis.

smiley - sorry you're going through this. If you spend a bit of time looking at the infidelity threads, you will see that your H is displaying all the hallmark distancing behaviours, but I'm sorry - I think he's already having a full affair. If he's now graduated to asking for a regular night away from home, it's inconceivable to me that it's not sexual yet.

Something's puzzling me though - you discovered this on New Years Eve? What have you been saying since that night? It sounds like you have been waiting for a crush to burn out - but that's a very passive stance and never works. It also does nothing for your self-esteem.

It's unacceptable behaviour in a marriage and given that you've already got other behaviour that is causing upset and disharmony - and it's affecting your teenager, it's high time you called time on this tryst of his.

If you don't think you'll get he truth from him about what's really going on, don't hesitate to snoop - on that i phone and on his laptop. If he's the sort of man who will only admit to what can be proved, get your evidence first, but be very clear in your own mind what you will do once you've found proof. If you're the sort who can turn a blind eye, then you're going to have to live with repeated infidelity - if on the other hand you cannot and will not tolerate this, then get your evidence and confront.

I could not be a passive spectator in a situation like this and would have brought things to a head on NYE, but it's never too late to assert your dignity.

And whilst I think that mid-life reckonings are potential catalysts for affairs, it matters not, so I wouldn't be side-tracked by excuses - this is infidelity.