I live near Newcastle, my family live near Preston. My very elderly Grandad is confused and immobile (he sits in a wheelchair, but doesn't exactly "use" it, iyswim-he hardly ever leaves the three rooms he lives in and can't really move himself about at all) and lives in one side of a house with my Nana. My parents and younger sister live in the other side of the house.
My mum (who basically runs the entire house, doing a lot of physical care as well as shouldering much of the emotional burden, on top of a stressful and very full time job) is getting stressed, my Nana (who stays in to fetch and carry for my Grandad and is the old fashioned housewife, waiting on him hand and foot) is getting stressed, things are basically getting to crisis point.
They have carers in several times a day (although they have stopped them coming at dinnertime, as they were just stressing my Nana out, so Nana learned how to empty the catheter etc herself) and pay somebody to sit in the house two days a week so Nana can get out. She is very upset and tearful about not being able to keep up with her friends, or get out and about, and about how demanding Grandad can be (although she has always been one to exaggerate, but I suppose we need to consider her version of things as it is how she sees it).
Anyway, I have two preschool DDs and am a SAHM, so can visit, but have two many commitments in the North East to come across more than about four nights a month or so. (DP obviously being a big one!)
Any suggestions for what would be the best approach to help without being able to actually come and do the cleaning and care every day?
I'm going to try and persuade my Nana to let me do her shopping online, so when she does get out she doesn't need to worry about getting the shopping in (they mainly seem to eat iceland ready prepared stuff-for some reason she hates the "full roast dinner" style ready meal, but is quite happy to cook, say two chicken breasts frozen in gravy, frozen waffles and frozen mixed veg. I suppose it feels a bit more like cooking). She usually gets the same things each week anyway, and I could ring her for her shopping list each week. I'm also thinking of cooking up some extra portions of traditional style food for her freezer, and trying to teach her how to use her microwave (maybe a simple step by step printed instruction sheet?)
On my mums side of things, I can't afford to pay for it, but maybe if I do the research and find her a cleaner, that could ease things for her slightly. I could do it under the cover of getting one for my Grandparents, but they might as well do the whole house. She gets upset that her friends all have cleaners and various help, but she can't, as my Dad is sat about the house all day. Maybe it might guilt my Dad into doing some housework for once.
I'm also thinking of giving them loads of notice of when I am visiting (as in, months of notice) and when I am here, taking on all the grandparent duties, if the kids will play nicely while I do it (really, there is very little physical work, it is mainly listening and watching).
Am I missing anything? It is so frustrating being far away!