another chance or not?

[silverstaryeyed]

Im going through, or should i say been going through a bit of a trauma for a while now. Im 18 and my mum looks on this site a lot and thought it would be a good idea, i just am interested in what other peoples take on it is....

I have been with my boyfriend for just over a year now but about 7 months ago, my family and his family got together for a meal and his mother told my mum that he was (her words) "a serial shagger"
This was such a shock for me as i had absolutly no idea. I guess when i look back to when we first got together we never really had that bigger conversation about past relationship, but saying that he knows all about mine, however, i havent really been with many people and was a virgin before i met him, so i guess i didnt really have anything to say but there were many chances to tell me about his past. The closest thing i can recall is that he said he had had "a few flings"

Anyway so i confronted him and basically we went through a real rough patch as i have never been fond of people who sleep around and i guess you could say im rather opinionated about the subject and so i can totally see why he never told me at the begining. I think everyone deserves a second chance, but i think ive given him way too many chances since....

When his mum told my mum, it was the hardest thing i have ever gone through, i was completely in love with him and couldnt believe it! He told me that he had slept with 5 people, the names changed every time we spoke about it and so it then turned to 10 people....recently (6 months on) finding out its actually 8. The hard thing is, is that he has said on many occasions "thats all my cards on the table" when they havent. its been lies.

First relationship - no sex
Second relationship - no sex
shagged some girl he met at a pub and went back to his
5 other girls, he cant remember the names of, shagged them at parties or at their houses and then would come home (seriously foul and weird to me!!!)
Third relationship - just about sex.
shagged some girl from newquay (where he came from)

I find it really hard to accept it as its something i feel very strongly about but i love him and what are you meant to do when you find something like that out...7 months into a relationship. He has never done anything to me, never cheated on me, just been a bit of a liar i guess.

It has caused many problems in our relationship as i find it hard to trust what he is saying seeing as he has lied to me about it so many times, and he does it very well and very easily which is the worry.

Things have been mega bad over the last week or so and i ended it the other day as i cant bare the hurt and pain anymore. It was our year anniversary on friday and he brought me up a card which had a letter in it. Basically saying that he loves me and wants to spend the rest of his life with me (which he says a lot, actually he treats me like a princess and is completely besotted with me) but it never once said 'sorry!'

The thing is he has made comments to me before such as "i want to kill myslef because i wont be able to hurt anyone if im in the ground" and "i wont be able to live if this ends" etc etc....
And so i have a real fear that he may do something silly (i know maybe he says it for effect but i would never be able to live with myself if he did something like that!)
and so i always end up comforting him and then it never actually ends.

I love him with all my heart and i dont partically want to break up with him but i feel as though maybe i should start following my head instead of my heart because thats all i seem to do, coz thats what you do when you love someone but actually when i think about it. Every time i do, my heart seems to get broken again and again..just how many chances can you give someone?

I do believe that this time he is telling the truth but am i just being foolish?
Another chance? or time to move on? or am i just being a complete prude? HELP!!!

Time to move on.

Seriously, you're 18, use this time to be selfish and have fun.

Well, for a start you sound a bit more sensible than I was at 18. Way to go!

There are a couple of points I would make. Firstly, it's not a crime to have lots of sexual partners and he's perfectly entitled to do that. BUT it also not a crime to find that kind of 'shagging around' attitude a bit disquieting to say the least. You obviously aren't comfortable with that, and that's fine as well.
There is an obvious benefit to having the awkward 'where do you stand with all of this' kind of conversation fairly early in a relationship, say for example when you are making the decision to date seriously but before sleeping together, usually at the same time as working out whether it is going to be a monogamous relationship, etc. All well and good.

Sadly, you didn't have that conversation, and it's a bit late now. Not your fault at all! You didn't think there was much to discuss, were perhaps assuming he was similar to you. The question you have to ask yourself now is, if you HAD had that conversation and he had been completely honest, would it have been a deal breaker for you? I.e, would it have totally put you off him and made you reconsider dating him? If the answer is yes and your opinions in general haven't changed a whole lot since then, I think you have your answer. There is nothing inherently wrong in what he is doing (well I think its icky but that's my personal opinion ) but you do sound very incompatible from what you have said. And its not exactly the same as supporting different footie teams is it?? It's a pretty significant difference of opinion which doesn't bode well.

So, all well and good. The problem I have with him is not his sexual past, it's the lying and suicide threats. That is really really not cool. I would be having serious doubts about this person if I were in your situation, based on those things alone. A reasonable person doesn't hide things or cover up and lie until you can't trust anything they say, and they don't threaten to kill themselves if you break up with them. He almost certainly won't, I hasten to add - that's what makes it so unpleasant. He's just saying that to make you frightened and cowed into staying with him. You can do so much better than that kind of behaviour, so on that alone I would walk. But that is just me, and as I say I am now a great deal more cynical than I was at 18.
Good luck whatever you decide...

Those type of threats are normally associated with manipulative and controlling behaviour and have little to do with love.

My daughter isn't much older than you silver, she broke up with her boyfriend of over 2 years last summer, she was due to start Uni and he was becoming very jealous and starting saying similar frightening things, it was his behaviour after she told him it was over that convinced her she'd done the right thing, he turned very nasty indeed and his mum and dad had to have serious words with him - he hasn't hurt himself after all his threats , he has however got himself a 17 year old GF with the same name as my DD, and she has a very unusual name for her age group!

Life's too short to waste your time with a man like him, that type normally get worse, not better.

I don't think his past has to be an issue. I'm sure there's a lot of people who've had one-night-stands etc. It doesn't make someone a hopeless boyf necessarily, just shows a degree of immaturity really. You are both very young - maybe put an end to this and move on.

The suicide threats are the most worrying here - unfortunately some men do use threats like this as a form of control. It is a form of abuse to manipulate a woman in this way. Not a good sign, believe me.

Agree with Ivana - past not the problem, but suicide threats definite danger signal for controlling person. Drop him.

move along lovey, you don't need this kind of drama at any time of life...but certainly not when you are so young and should be fun and free

not being dragged down by a manipulative pillock

Work on your own self worth and esteem if it is low because you will keep on attracting the losers of this world otherwise.

Would agree with AF and the others here advising you to move on with your life without him in it and not look back.

You are being manipulated here and you do not need such a dysfunctional man in your life at any age, let alone at 18 and with no life experience behind you. You do not need all this dysfunction honestly.

Would also suggest you read "Why does he do that?" written by Lundy Bancroft. Its all about controlling men and controlling behaviour is abusive behaviour. His suicide threats which are empty ones are a means of controlling you further and keeping you in line.