Any suggestions on how to 'manage' my mother

[fifitot]

Sorry if this is a bit long. Have posted before about her. Manipulative, a victim, emotional, nasty when things don't go her way, places herself at the centre of everything, glass half-empty, feels the world is against her, has had loads of bad luck in life, resents anyone else's sucess. Makes me feel I will never be the daughter she wants. Her rallying cry is 'But I'm so worried'. That is an excuse for every kind of bad behaviour. Never apologises. Puts the feelings of her friends before her family as likes to be thought well of, bites back when challenged, losing her temper, raising issues from the past in a nasty horrible way. Doesn't have the emotional maturity to talk through an issue without having a tantrum - literally. Over dramatic, projects problems miles into the future......Sorry if I am going on.

I live up North from them now, about 100 mls away and can just about cope with her visits at a weekend, monthly. However things appear to be coming to a head again. She is planning Xmas 2010 (!) - yes she likes to be ahead of the game, just in case me, DH and DD have made other plans! Her and my Dad have booked a luxury cottage - about 200mls away from me and DH. They didn't ask us but are now putting pressure on me to give them a decision. 'Well it's booked now, it was expensive, if we don't see grandchild at Xmas I might as well not bother celebrating, we hardly ever see you as it is......'

DH is furious - he wanted Xmas with his family as his dad is pretty much on his last legs and won't see another I think. Also we have spent every year with them since forever!

I know the mature response is to turn around and say 'sorry, we can't come, it would have been better to have asked first....'. However I know I will get the whole guilt trip. Me and DH will also feel the wrath of her later under some other guise - she likes to get back at me when things don't go her way.

What do I do? Dad isn't like her but colludes with it for an easy life.

She is driving me mad. I have so many resentments about how she behaves and have tried to address them with her sensibly but think she is too far gone with it. She won't change - she hates any kind of change.Any ideas?

Essentially you have the choice of colluding with her or standing up to her and being the bad guy. Why care if she casts you in that role? You know the truth.

Stand up to her and take the flak. Its ridiculous and very manipulative to be forcing a decision out of you about next Christmas. Tell her no. Tell her your DH is insisting on seeing his dad and you cannot go against him. Then let her get on with her tantrums - don't answer the phone until she has calmed down.

She behaves like this because it gets her what she wants. You cannot change her but you can change the way you react to her.

I think you know what to do - going along with what your mum wants because you're scared she will get back at you later is putting yourself in a victim role, which doesn't sound like what you want. It's going to be unpleasant either way - going against her now or spending time with her at christmas (with your dh resenting you both), which would you rather?

I know you're both right. I guess if I tell her now will give her time to calm down before I see her next. Have just been putting her off as dread the tantrum.

Thankyou.

ohmygod you could be describing my mother exactly. Sends a virtual HUG.
I have made a few changes to the way I deal with mine recently and its making me feel better. The posts above are right, you can't change her, you can only change how you manage her.
I have started saying what I think in a calm way, and generally only once (it usually gets ignored). In the past I have just ignored hurtful comments and outrageous behaviour but so has everyone else so she has just got worse.
Say no to Christmas. Any sane person will agree that she should have consulted you before booking (I worry a lot that people will think I am being unreasonable, friends of hers who only hear her side think I'm a terrible daughter but I am becoming more confident that I am not).
Key thing I realised was that however hard I try I am not going to be the type of daughter she wants and however much I go out of my way to try and please her she is always going to be miserable and find some cause for complaint so I put my family first instead.
Sorry, long one from me but I just really feel for you.

Yo are so not being unreasonable. Just say that with your FIL being in such bad health you couldn't possibly commit to not being around to see him next xmas. I really get where you are coming from in terms of not wanting to be seen as "the bad guy" (I have had a lot of similar situations with my SM not to mention some spectacular xmas standoffs with my ILs) but just remember you are not.

Sorry you not yo

fifitot,

Sod guilt, guilt is a useless emotion. You cannot be forever trapped in the FOG any more (fog being fear, obligation, guilt when it comes to your parents).

You cannot even begin to change this dysfunctional and toxic mother of yours and you should not even try - but you can change how you react to her.

Say no more often and certainly say no to her manipulative plans re Christmas.

Am not really surprised to read either that your Dad is playing the "bystander" role in this overall dysfunction; many such men act in this manner out of their own self preservation and want of a quiet life. You should not let him off the hook either, he is in some ways just as dysfunctional as she is.

You may want to read "Toxic Parents" written by Susan Forward as this may help you further.

Christmas 2010 is this Christmas not next Christmas in my way of thinking.
I would tell her no and not feel guilty at all. You haven't done anything wrong why should you feel guilty? I don't get why some women want to feel guilty about other people's selfishness.
Your parents have each other to enjoy Christmas with, if they can't do that that's their problem not yours. They should have discussed the cottage first if they were so desperate for your company.
Just tell her you have other plans and refuse to feel guilty about stuff that isn't your fault.

Thanks ladies and glad to hear am not the only one who deals with this stuff.

The hints on saying things clearly and only once - really need to put this into practice. Thing is she goes on and on but I suppose once I've said it, I can just say that the matter is closed.

Attila - will look at that book, have heard of it but don't know much about it.

I feel sad that she is such a negative person who finds so little joy in life. Granted things haven't gone her way, but most people have problems. She lost a child (my sister) about 20 years ago so I know this had a massive impact but it did on all of us. She was like this before though, just had less time to dwell on things as caring for my ill sister.

She spends her days just stressing about stuff she has no control over. She doesn't sleep at night for the same reason but she won't change her behaviour - she seems to think she can't. She has had cbt but think they gave up on her! I actually think she needs more than this. It was interesting when she had the cbt though - despite me telling her it was about behaviour change and a way to manage thoughts and feelings etc she treated it like some sort of psychotherapy and told the worker to contact loads of people to talk about her! Of course they didn't (as it's not that sort of thing obviously.) but she loved the idea at being at the centre of a drama.

God - could go on but won't bore you all. Your posts have really helped.

Well,it sounds as though ILs are well due a visit!

Normal psychotherapy doesn't involve the therapist contacting lots of people to talk about the patient.

She sounds like hard work, anyway - well done on starting to stand up to her.

Yes I realise psychotherapy isn't like that Just making the point that she totally missed the point about what CBT is about.

Hi fitfot, sorry you have such a difficult Mum - from my thread you can see I have too.

My Mum would be exactly the same as yours in this position and I know only too well the dread and anxiety you feel about telling her....I get it too, although I am starting to realise that my mother is responsible for her own feelings, not me.

I wish you luck.

What is CBT by the way?

Please put your foot down, say you have made other arrangements.

CBT - Cognitive Behaviour Therapy.

OP - please please tell your parents that NO you wont be at their expensive cottage at Christmas as

1 you and DH were not consulted at the time of planning and

2 your FIL is ill and your DH wants you all to have christmas there this year.

end of story, no arguing and no need to say any more about it. Keep calm and dont be drawn into any guilt trip over it.

Thanks everyone. Am building up to telling her! Do you think an e mail would do it? probably not I suppose. Such a coward!

fifitot an email would allow you to say it calmly and clearly and keep some proof so she can't make you question what you said afterwards! (i.e. pretend you never told her/didn't say it clearly enough)

She isn't going to like it however you say it so just say it in the way you think will help you keep your nerve and say what you plan to say, rather than being talked out of it etc.

My Mother is exactly the same and will manipulate me into doing things by saying "we thought we'd spend xmas/our holiday with you this year" - never asks if it's ok with us; we just get told so it's much harder to say it's not convenient..they are a special breed mothers like this (rottweiler on the inside, pekingnese on the outside my DH would say!) and have to be handled with caution.

Let's face it, she will try and make you feel guilty whatever or however you say it if you are not bending to her wishes, so as long as YOU are clear what YOU want and that you are not responsible for how she chooses to react, you can say NO! Good luck!!

I'm wondering why you see her for a whole weekend every month? She sounds really toxic.

I hope you can pull away from her soon. I bet this thread helps you take the first step.

Good luck Fifitot.

just wanted to add another good book to read The Dance of Intimacy. It's about remaining true to you & dealing with the fallout when you act differently, which results in a change to the previous patterns.

Agree you shouldn't go, ring her up & say thanks but no thanks....actually, forget the thanks !

Must admit I like my parents (now just dad), but a whole weekend once a month is more than I've ever spent with them since I left.
Suspect my dad has too many weekend commitments to want to spend that much time with me as well.

Have you rung her yet?
Good luck!!

Not yet. Am going away for a few days so will do it when I return! Or may still send the e mail.

Thank you to all - it has really helped!

I will post her reaction - just for the laugh I suppose!

Oh please do post it!! So we can all be suitably outraged on your behalf.

I hope you have a good few days away and that the break helps clarify in your mind how you feel and what you want to say... rather than stress you out over having to say it when you get back. But I'm sure there'll be someone around to give you a pep talk before you hit "send".

How to deal with your mother?

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