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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

More advice please

28 replies

zookeeper · 15/03/2010 19:47

For the last week I have been chatting on the phone to a man I met on a dating site. He's only been separated from his wife for eight weeks which is probably too soon for him to be thinking of any type of serious relationship . However we seem to have so much in common and get on so well that I thought I would at least meet him and see where we went from there.

I was speaking to him today and he told me slip that he had actually been given a caution by the police for assaulting his wife on the last night he was at the house. He says that they were having a furious row, that she went for him(breaking his collar bone) and he "lost it" and hit her making her nose bleed.

Funnily enough this has made me think twice about meeting him. I talked to him today cancelled our meeting. He has just sent me a long impassioned email swearing that he has never hurt anyone in his life; that it was a complete one off and begging me to see him.

My instinct is to run for the hills. Or should I at least meet him and hear what he has to say? thing is, if I meet him I have a feeling we will get on so well that I will find it hard to walk away.

Has anyone any thoughts? My ex was very emotionally abusive and I am doubting my judgement

OP posts:

thisisyesterday · 15/03/2010 19:57

i would be running, running, running

hobbgoblin · 15/03/2010 20:01

Erm, he is already disrespecting your choice to not meet him and laying it on thick. He obviously thinks you can be talked around which shows rather a disregard for you in itself.

Why bother with this risk when there are a gazillion men out there who have never made anyone's nose bleed in anger?

junglist1 · 15/03/2010 20:02

Stay away from him. What a dickhead to even tell you. The fact he thinks it's OK to reveal this means he does, in fact, think it's fine.

FabIsDoingPrettyWell · 15/03/2010 20:04

stay away

why do you need to listen to what he has to say?

you are not in a relationship and he doesn't have to explain himself to you.

if you see him you are agreeing to a relationship with a violent man as you have said yourself you wouldn't be able to walk away.

there are other men in the world.

prettywhiteguitar · 15/03/2010 20:07

Run, run ,run !!! Find someone who would never hit a women.

Surely if she broke his collar bone he wouldn't be able to punch her in the face ?

Original poster

zookeeper · 15/03/2010 20:09

I asked that; it was his left collarbone.

It seems so obvious to keep away, but what if he's a good man who just fucked up?

OP posts:

junglist1 · 15/03/2010 20:10

A good man would be too ashamed to admit it. He's testing you

AnyFucker · 15/03/2010 20:11

run and never look back

the physical assault of his wfe is bad enough

beside that though, there is too much baggage here

he could very well use you to get back at his wife...do you want to be that person?

find someone else with less drama in his life (unless you like the drama ? lots of women do seem to, incomprehensibly...)

cheerfulvicky · 15/03/2010 20:12

For gods sake woman, RUN!!

GypsyMoth · 15/03/2010 20:12

my ex nearly killed me,yet he has a profile on plenty of fish which is a pack of lies!!

run. run fast

Mum72 · 15/03/2010 20:13

Run.

Why risk getting emtionally involved?? Its not worth the hassle.

Just walk away now. Move on and forget all about him.

hobbgoblin · 15/03/2010 20:14

Good man who fucked up?????

Maybe, if we were talking things like missing the last train home after a piss up, forgetting to pay the gas bill, being late to collect DC from school.

This is a man who hit his wife. That isn't fucking up on any scale you ought to be interested in.

Are you lonely or something because it's got to be something making you remotely interested in a wife batterer.

Original poster

zookeeper · 15/03/2010 20:15

I don't think I'm attracted to any sense of drama. I thought he was honest to tell me if nothing else. I think I will stick to my guns and look for someone else. Thanks to all for your opinions - sometimes it takes strangers to state the obvious..

OP posts:

Original poster

zookeeper · 15/03/2010 20:16

I am lonely ; yes; but I'm not stupid.

OP posts:

prettywhiteguitar · 15/03/2010 20:30

its okay to be lonely and look for a date I've done it myself.....did find a lot of wierdos.

AnyFucker · 15/03/2010 20:37

zoo...there are lots of nice blokes out there

it shouldn't matter to you whether he is a good man who fucked up or a bad man who will transfer his battering skills to you...

you don't have to find out and you shouldn't want to

sparkle10 · 15/03/2010 20:43

seriously hon, my ex had a violent conviction against his ex...I thought he was a good man and it was a one off. I had lots of good years with him but the behavior came back eventually.
If it's in them, it's it them...walk away.

hobbgoblin · 15/03/2010 21:27

No, you're not stupid. You are sympathetic and trusting. Just because some idiots out there take advantage of these qualities does not diminish these admirable things about you.

Original poster

zookeeper · 16/03/2010 16:43

thank you hob.

OP posts:

antoinettechigur · 16/03/2010 16:49

You sound lovely, optimistic and compassionate.
Wait for a man who doesn't hit people. Surely you deserve that?

SolidGoldBrass · 16/03/2010 17:00

I agree with all the other posters who say: forget about this one. He is being manipulative and may well have a long history of abuse. A 'decent man who had screwed up' wouldn't a) mention this right at the beginning and b) then get stroppy when you backed off. Men who talk freely about abusing former partners are warning you that they will hit you, too, if you are disobedient or disrespectful or 'don't love them enough'.

TotalChaos · 16/03/2010 17:06

Leg it. 8 weeks since splitting from wife would be a good reason to be cautious without the violence.

GardenPath · 16/03/2010 23:08

"...My instinct is to run for the hills. Or should I at least meet him and hear what he has to say? thing is, if I meet him I have a feeling we will get on so well that I will find it hard to walk away.

Has anyone any thoughts? My ex was very emotionally abusive and I am doubting my judgement..."

Yes, they're always proper charmers, aren't they?

tortoiseonthehalfshell · 16/03/2010 23:11

He's violent. He's trying to jump straight into another relationship eight weeks after splitting from his wife (which he only did because the police got involved, it sounds like). He's not respecting your decision to gain some distance.

No. Not this one.

poshwellies · 16/03/2010 23:32

A NO GO ZONE.

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