Should I go back to counselling?

[soupdela]

We were going to go to Relate a couple of years ago but they said it would be £30 a session and that's really beyond our means. After that DP kept using my refusal to go as a defence against any criticism I made of him. Last year we went to 3 sessions with a private counsellor paid for thru my work. I found her pretty poor and didn't want to go back. DP put this down to the fact that she didn't 'side' with me but that wasn't it at all.
I have read many comments that Relate are able to tailor their price according to income so I could try them again. I assume they are the best in this field but I am worried that I may just be too sceptical and it could do more harm than good. At the moment we are just about keeping a lid on things although it's very fragile.

Hi I dont have any experience of counselling so cannot really advise, but just wanted to bump this for you, so some of the more knowledgeable ladies can help.

Hope it works out for you

It sounds, from your post, as though you are worried for your relationship but at the same time very worried about what might come up in counselling. I'm guessing that you are feeling that for the last couple of years (since the last counselling) you have trodden water. You've kept the relationship together but haven't addressed the issues that took you to counselling in the first place.

All that is just guessing. I have no idea really.

My further guess is that you've reached a point, again, where you feel you can't continue in this form. The two years passage of time indicates that you two aren't able to solve the issues by yourselves. So you need something, some kind of outside input, or change, to help you.

Yes, Relate do a sliding scale. Though I'm not sure it goes much below £30. You do sound as though you're slightly resistant to counselling. That's OK, it's not going to make everything magically better. But you really are only going to get out what you put in.

My guess is that you have a very strong ambivalence about what you want. Realistically, you could carry on in your current situation for years; many do. So the question arises - what do you want counselling to do for you? And is that realistic?

Btw, it's an obvious point, but I'll mention it; counsellors don't know you. They can only go on what you tell them. Three sessions is very short. If your dh thinks she wasn't "siding" with you, what does that mean? How did you use those sessions? What did you say?

She's there, really, so that you can talk and (hopefully) gain insight into your relationship's dynamic and how you feel about it. Objectivity, in some ways, doesn't matter as much as getting to how you feel.

Yes, they'll give you some pointers for how a good relationship might work, but it's also all about how you feel, and why.

She can't tell you how to run your relationship, or who is right or wrong. It's more about you and your partner working out what you envision, what's stopping you getting there, and helping you to work out how to get there. She can't do it for you.

Thanks for the input peeps - I'm so new to all this I don't even know what it means to be 'bumped' but thanks anyway!
Animula, I know what I want from counselling (I think) which is for someone to help DP to realise how unreasonable his attitude is and help us to communicate without arguing. The one good thing the last cousellor did was to point out to dp that his 'stonewalling' was just as provoking and unpleasant for me as my nagging/anger was for him.
What did I say in counselling? Not too much - basically she did most of the talking. As you say, she didn't know us and yet felt, within 10 mins of the first session, that she could say to me ought to go to my GP to get thyroid function checked. Considering DP's constant complaint is 'what's WRONG with you?' I didn't feel that was a helpful thing for her to say in front of him. She also said to dp, in response to his remark that he felt unwelcome in the house, that 'It's your house as well' which I also thought unhelpful if we were about to split.

"Animula, I know what I want from counselling (I think) which is for someone to help DP to realise how unreasonable his attitude is and help us to communicate without arguing".

It doesn't sound like relationship counselling is going to be right for you because you do need to be open to hearing both sides. No one can help you communicate until you open yourself up to ask why DP acts as he does and not presume that he is just unreasonable. However, if he is unreasonable without justification he's unlikely to change so what is the point in having someone confirm that?

Suggesting a thyroid function check is sensible too if you were describing certain symptoms. Thyroid function can have a really strong effect on mood, as can deficient B12 and other organic imbalances. It would be a waste to spend lots of time and money on counselling and find out that certain physical imbalances are always going to stop you being energetic or calm etc..I would respect a therapist who suggests physical tests because it means that they are open to a holistic view of the person. Also, if the tests were fine it helps you to say to DP, look, it's not my hormones, so don't use that as an excuse.

..as for the money that therapy costs...can you really not afford it? Surely anything that leads you to a happier life is worth sacrificing for?