So confused

[bigchump]

Right, to give you some background on me first!

I have 3 kids - I had postnatal depression, certainly after the 3rd, almost sure after the 2nd aswell. I wouldnt admit I had depression and wouldnt go to the doctors. Anyway, I admit I was a cow to my husband, lost my temper a lot, blamed him for anything and everything that went wrong - and I found it very hard to cope with a two year gap between my two youngest.

My husband then had an affair, not sure when it started - certainly before my youngest was 2. I found this out after several months. He then left our family for this woman, a year ago.

Now, I've begged him to come back several times - promised things would be different (i'm over the PND) and told him how much I still love him, which I really really do. He's still seeing this woman, although he says he would never say never to us getting back together. Over the past few months we've been getting on really really well, but he's still with the other woman.

I've recently been asked out by another guy - he's a friend, really nice, reminds my of my husband in many ways - anyway, we get on really well. I've said no to him, because I keep hoping my husband will come back.

I mentioned this to my husband, about the other guy asking me out and he seemed pretty pissed off and said he thought I was trying to "win him back" and prove I had changed and how much I loved him.

Now, I'm so confused and just dont know what the hell to do. I cant wait around forever, and I'm so lonely being on my own.

Anyone got any advice?!

sounds like your h wants to have his cake and eat it?

and you seriously want him back??

alarm bells ring quite loud for me here!

Um, your DH is a twat. He binned you because you had PND, which loads of women have without their husbands running out on them. Now he is still with this other woman (and probably has no intention of leaving her) but stringing you along as well to fan his ego. Then he gets cross because other men are interested and you have a chance of a life without him, and has the cheek to say that YOU have to prove to HIM that you have changed. Knob.

Sorry to be harsh, but it's best to get it straight. You deserve a lot better.

"He's still seeing this woman, although he says he would never say never to us getting back together."

He's having his cake and eating it, isn't he? I think you need to do something for you. I don't think you should see this other chap if he reminds you of your husband. But I think you should maybe accept the fact that your husband isn't going to come back. He's trying not to burn his bridges and in fact being unfair to you and his girlfriend. You were struggling with PND, he had an affair. He's being less than honest now. I think you can do better!

Look after you and your dc. Try to get out there and have some fun. Please don't wait around for your ex. Easier said than done I know.

Good Luck.

Even if you decide not to see this other guy again, it sounds like you need to draw a line under your relationship with your ex and start to move on.
This 'will he won't he' situation will just sap your confidence and happiness in the long run.

Err...yeah I have advice... go out with the new guy and show that twat that you are not hanging around playing games trying to win him back.

Arrogant cheating smug fucker.

I'm sorry but I really think it's time to face up to the fact that DH is probably not coming back. He's had his chance, he's still with OW.

Go out with this bloke. You have absolutely nothing to lose. If he has intolerably smelly feet or whatever you can always gently drop him by saying you are not over DH yet. If he's great then fantastic! Your DH can hardly object as he is living with OW.

what mrsb said

please don't be a doormat, OP

I was really really awful to him though - really horrible quite a lot of the time I've said some really terrible stuff to him, and even been violent towards him too, quite a few times. Noone was going to put up with that were they.

He's not living with this woman, but she does stay over with him whenever the kids arent there. He is a great dad, and I just want to give my kids the family they deserve

And I still do love him to bits.

When I read the post, my gut reaction is that I don't blame your husband for how he feels. He was clearly suffering in the marriage. I think the way he's expressed it is not very good however.

Seems like your marriage was very bleak before it broke down. Again, your husbands way of dealing with it - an affair - leaves a lot to be desired.

It would seem there are still feelings between the two of you though. What level of commitment is there for the woman he is with?

I if you do want him back, let him know that. Put the ball firmly in his court. He should let you know his feelings, and if he wants the same as you do he should finish it with his current partner.

What ParsleyPants said.

I am sure he hasn't told the woamn he lives with that he'd never say never to going back to you

Please don't wait around for this man a moment longer. Draw a line under your marriage and learn to accept that it's over and that you can do an awful lot better.

Sorry, x/posted - assumed his gf lived with him. Still, she'd hardly be delighted to know he was still trying to keep you in the loop, just in case that relationship fails.

Arsehole alert!
I bet he was loving it until this new guy popped up. Go out with him. Let the ex see you're worth more. For your own sake, not to get him back.

Now, mrsboogie, I think you need to be a bit clearer - you are sitting on the fence there!

But, I agree with her.

Bigchump, you need to read your op and then imagine that a close friend/sister/daughter has written it and think what your advice would be.

Please forget this selfish tw*t and move on

Your subsequent post shows a lot of guilt. It seems you feel your behaviour cost your children their father.
You need to make peace with the past. You behaved badly but you were not well.
You are not soley to blame for what happened though.
Look to the future, your kids will do best if their mother is happy. Be it with your ex if that works out, or with someone else.
With regards to your ex though, there is possibly good reason why it hasn't worked that you cannot see right now due to your feelings of guilt.

What a bloody cheek your H has got. Trying to wn him back - as if he were some kind of prize? Bet his OW doesn't know that's what he's been saying.....

Don't go out with the new man just to stick two fingers up at your H, go out with him if you like him and take things slowly. This man has got feelings too and shouldn't be used as a weapon in any way. How about going out as friends to start with and see how you feel later on?

What men like your H really mean is that they don't want you, but they don't want anyone else to have you either. Do please disabuse him of that notion, but don't use the man as a pawn in a game to get your H to "see sense".

However....I wouldn't be quite as charitable with letting the OW live in blissful ignorance that the man she is with is fully committed to her. I could dress it up all day long as wanting her to see the truth so that she doesn't get hurt, but that would be sorely disingenuous .

I'm sorry but I think that if he really really wanted to be with you, he would . Sometimes, the more you try to fix a broken situation, the harder it is to leave it. But it sounds totally broken to me. It's certainly not making you happy.

Try the nice guy. You are supposed to be having a happy life you bigchump !

When you were suffering with PND and trying to cope with 3 small DC, your husband could have tried to help you, understand you, comfort you. Or, if he found the situation just too hard and your anguish too difficult to manage, then he could have moved out, given your marriage some space and time to heal while still helping you, and being a father to his children. Instead, he had an affair. He kept that affair secret from you for at least several months (he still hasn't been honest enough to tell you exactly how long it was going on for).

He has left your marriage and is now with another woman, and has been for a year. He has absolutely no intention of reconciling things with you. My guess is he's trying to keep you sweet, quite possibly to lessen the financial impact (on him) of a divorce.

You have had 3+ years of hell. During which time, instead of supporting you, loving you and helping you, your husband has shat on you, and he is continuing to do so. I think it really is time you cut this marriage loose and move on with your life.

Sorry and I really hope you find some happiness.