Started something and feel happy but scared too. Rather long and rambly sorry.

[aSilverLining]

Some of you may remember me as AboardtheAxiom, those of you who don't last year I left my emotional abuse ex of 9 years and am now living in a nice happy home with my DS.

There is a man in my life (who I love dearly), had always been platonic but feelings developed and I realised I felt very strongly about him but didn't dare raise the issue as I was terrified of losing him. He is the one person in my life whom I can completely depend on and trust.

Anyway, a line was crossed a fortnight ago, he sent me a suggestive message in response to an innocent one from me and things progressed from there.

I adore him, and we are having a fabulous cheeky time and I have this stupid grin most of the time. But... I am scared of falling out with him, or losing him, or things going wrong. Sometimes I feel absolutely terrified about it. As things stand I am happy as we are, but I don't know how long for, what if at some stage I want more, something more serious and he doesn't?

I know not everyone believes in a soul mate but I do feel this man is mine, and if I hadn't had that cheeky text from him I may well have never told him how I feel as he is my rock and I wouldn't have dared risk losing him. He is the guy who I can call when I am not sleeping or am crying about DS's autism, or who will come and move my bins at some ungodly hour on his way to work

Also. oh my god. I have to say, I can nowunderstand couples who are so loved up and adoring and worshipping of each other, I feel my relationship with abusive ex was simply a sham, we never had such intimacy, such a connection or happiness with each other. After years of being friends with NewMan we have crossed a line into new territory, and feels right. Natural. Lovely.

I am scared of losing it all. Gulp.

A lot of people on that thread that mentioned the joke advised me to tell him how I felt but I just couldn't, self preservation mode kicked in!

I am just happily but cautiously seeing how things go. I am very mindful that I could throw all hopes, dreams and energies on NM as I have done in the past but I know that would be neither healthy or helpful. I just need to have a little faith that things work out how they are meant to, they usually do after all!

I knew this would happen! And I'm so pleased for you because he sounds like such a nice guy and he wouldn't do this (bearing in mind the relationship with your ex) unless he was really into you.

I remember you once describing yourself as having a very vanilla taste in sex, whilst your ex twunt was much more, er adventurous. At the time I thought, bet she's not, it's just that her ex is crap. You wouldn't be this feisty and strong if you really were the lie back and think of England kind.

Now, must do something about my crush, I'm getting overtaken by all you lot.

Hi Queen! Yes I am actually rather dirty I have been told (in an appreciative manner).

You make a good point actually about him having more at stake than me, you are right, it could cause serious family ructions in his life but he made the move anyway. I had never considered that before and find it a reassuring point.

Have you seen anything of your crush Queenof? I know I didn't follow this advice but make a move. It seems much harder to do when you have had a knock to your confidence as we have had, but et the end of the day life is short.

So what is the etiquette in this kind of situation? I am trying muchly to play it cool, keep myself busy, etc.

I guess I feel odd as I have always rushed into relationships and got too serious too soon. There is no chance of this happening in this situation due to the ex issue. We have agreed to keep things discreet and see what happens (my suggestion not his), but what about issues like seeing other people? I really want to think this is not an issue but my confidence is knocked and as I said in OP I am scared of getting hurt.

I need dating/relationship advice from people who know more about this than me (which would be pretty much everyone).

On a positive note am seeing him tomorrow.

Well, I'm really not the best person to give you advice but taking it slowly is the best thing to do. And I think you already know that.

You've known this guy for a long time, is he the type to shag around? If he's risking so much to be with you, it seems unlikely that he would be going off with other people. The thing to do, as you trust him, is to talk to him about how you feel. That doesn't have to be a needy, clingy thing but just an honest explaination of how you feel and why. And you probably know why you are feeling this way, your ex really was not very nice to you.

There are other things in your life as well that deserve your attention. You are devoted to your son and have lots of friends. I know you are also building a warm and lovely home and you have been thinkng about going to college. Work on those things as much as him and I think you'll be fine. I am so pleased this is working out for you, as you really do deserve to be happy. Quite jealous obviously...

Just updating thread.

NM situation is still all good. We see each other as often as we can, lots of texts, etc. I talked to him about sleeping with other people and he said he would have no desire/reason to which was a relief. It was an awkward thing to ask really as we are not 'out' as a couple, not in a serious relationship but in a very longstanding one what with beginning as friends.

I am currently learning to drive (paid for by family fund) and this is the same - great but scary. Work/training is on the back burner at the moment as I feel overwhelmed with things ATM.

I am actually a little worried that I am going to sabotage my new life - I often have an urge to cancel a driving lesson (I actually did go through with this urge on Friday) and also one day when NM couldn't meet up with me I joined POF! I feel like a right cow about this.

I want NM, it is like I have been shown what a healthy loving relationship with mutual attraction and chemistry is like, but then have been told that I can't actually totally have it. He is the only man I want, would not want to start something with someone I don't know..

Some days I am okay with having this relationship whilst living with just DS, it does not bother me, other days I wake up in a morning wanting his arms round me and feel so sad that we can't wake up together and will most likely never live together. I don't know what to do. I need MN wisdom.

I can't really help you except just to say there are no guarantees in life,either that he will stay with you or that it will work out in the end to a long term fantastic relationship....I hope it will but there is no way of knowing yet.

Life is a journey and all that.

Try and at least entertain the thought in your head that people are unpredictable and have their own agendas....you don't yet know what his is and haven't asked him afaik.

Keep your own sense of who you are and how you want to live your life in your heart and remember you are the main player in your life,more than any partner is.

Thanks outofmysystem for your reply.

Most of the time I am very content in my own house with DS and none of the hassles of a live in relationship. And it's not like NM is completely insensitive or uninterested. He often calls me just to hear my voice or texts me to say he wishes his arms where around me. I don't know.

As I said also, I don't want anyone else and cannot envisage starting something with a new person, both from the emotional and confidence side of it and also from a selfish POV too - DS takesa lot of my time and energy and I am fine with that.

I think I still have a way to go on realising I am the sole person responsible for my happiness, that a live in reltionship is not the holy grail. I have always been someones puppet and at times it is overwhelming that I am flying through decisions making changes and managing mine and DS's life on my own. I'm proud I am doing it though.

I wasn't suggesting for a moment he isn't interested...just don't want your feelings to get hurt

right to be proud

Glad you have found happiness, I think it's the contrast in relationships that you are apprieciating.
Mines a different story in that my husband was fab and we had 17 years of happiness until cancer took him away.
I think it's quite normal to worry about any new relationship especially when you have children even more so when you have children with ASD.
Enjoy yourself and allow yourself to be happy and guilt free.