How do you know if you're more than just friends?

[skinnyhinny]

Hi I've posted here before and have got scared off of telling my full story in case someone I know or my H reads it and recognises who I am. Instead I'm going to ask this question....How do you know if after 13+ years of marriage all you are are just good friends sharing a house with their children (?!) I ask because I've lost sight of how I love my H! I know I love him very much but I don't know quite HOW I love him. If we are simply friends then is that a basis for the next 40 years. Should point out that sex is non existent because of lots of reasons on my part and on his part it's because he's in a period of change in his personal life and can't even think about it right now.

Skinny - I don't know your story or why sex has gone missing, but it is an amazing glue in long-term marriages - and without it, or other forms of affection that distinguish a romantic relationship from a friendship, it's no surprise that it feels more like mates bringing up children in the same house.

in long term relationships, it is a pretty common occurrence to go through phases of not fancying one's partner, but I would no longer say it is normal - because if that is not addressed, it can lead to lack of intimacy and a lack of sex, both of which are damaging to sexual adults if they are withdrawn for a sustained period of time. It can also make both parties hugely vulnerable to affairs.

If I could give one piece of advice to anyone facing a challenge in their relationship, it would be to examine how you communicate with one another. If your interactions are full of listening and empathy, all sorts of resentments and grievances can be ironed out. The communication also needs to be honest - and kind. Any secrets being held by one or both parties have a really pernicious effect on intimacy.

Hi WWIFN and thanks for your reply. It is a very bizarre situation. He was very angry and unpleasant to live with for the past 10 years. About this time last year we started to talk about our problems, something we had never done before. With the help of Relate I had the chance to tell him what a nightmare our marriage had been (I never left or tried to discuss it apart from a few times when I was at me wits end for fear of setting him off in a rage - scared I guess) He now has turned over a new leaf and is literally a different person. He doesn't shout or lose his temper but he is a totally broken man. He has no job and hasn't had one for years (money is no object for us) so it battling with this now as he realises he just has to pull himself together but also trying to cope with me telling him that his new bahaviour is just too late. I really adore him and I guess I feel a sense of duty to stay with him while he sorts himself out and a bit sorry for him. The thing is that my feelings of wanting to be intimate with him have simply gone (it was never that good anyway in the bedroom) and for him he's too down in the dumps to even think on a sexual level. I just don't know if I should throw in the towel becuase we actually have a wonderful friendshop, happy kids, a lovely bunch of friends and a nice happy life. But no sex!!! CAn I live like this or am I just fooling myself? Do I actually have it all and so much more than other couples? Am I just being some sex mad woman who can't live without getting her leg over and am throwing it all away because I need ot get laid? HELP!!!!!

I should also add that I have actually met someone else who I have developed feelings for and who is also unhappily married., I ABSOLUTELY will not have an affair but I keep thinking about life with a new man and how wonderful being on my own and independent would be.

Ah, I remember your earlier thread now - thanks for that info.

I think you're seeing him now as a victim - you pity him. That's not conducive to sexual attraction at all.

In answer to your question, no I don't think you can live in a marriage without sex. You're not sex mad either, just a normal healthy adult woman. I couldn't live in a marriage without sex either (medical conditions excepted) and I wouldn't even begin to question it. But then neither can he.

It sounds as though you might still need some help processing your resentments about his former self - again, resentment is a significant passion-killer. Have you continued communicating in the way you learned at Relate - and why did those sessions stop?

I think you should work on your lingering resentment and also hear how he feels about your relationship. See if that starts to alter your perception of him.

I think it's probably too soon - because of the resentment issues, but if nothing changes despite your forgiveness of his former self, sexual therapy might help in the future, especially if as you say, that has never been a particularly strong point in your marriage.

Without wanting to get into gender stereotypes, I do think that female sexuality is often defined by what's in our heads - we need to respect our long-term partners to feel sexual - loving them is not enough. Respect is often replaced by contempt - and it is pretty hard to feel turned on by someone we have contempt for.

Cross-posted. As long as the OM is in your head space and in your life, nothing will improve, believe me. Cut him loose if you're serious about restoring your marriage. Honestly.

Hi and thanks again x He tells me that he loves me more now than he ever has. That he wants to be the man he should have been and make me as happy as he should have done for all those years. He says it is all his fault and that if I DID leave he would understand why. He really does adore me and I can tell as he just is so lovely now. I just can't get away from the feeling that I want to start again and have a fresh start but how can I ask him to leave his children and take their father away from them when he is trying so hard to make it work now. I'd feel so selfish. I don't think I can battle on any more but the look on his face and how he keeps bursting into tears just tears me apart. How can I leave such a broken man? But the prospect of someone new is so tempting. I would really miss him I think but I'm just so TIRED and worn down. I think that yes, I am still resentful because sometimes I think 'Why the hell' should I let him back in? WE stopped relate because it just opened up wounds every week and we'd exhausted the issue and just were going round and round in circles. The thought of sexual therapy makes me cringe but then perhaps I'm ready to make the move away from him and am in denial about that. I JUST DON'T KNOW!!!!!

Hi
it sounds like you have a lot with your husband and are maybe going through a "grass is greener" period. If I was you I'd try and work through it with husband. Maybe see a sex councillor.
Would you fancy this other man under normal circumstances or just because there are strains in your marriage?
I could never imagine looking at another man when I'm in "lovey dovey" phase but when things get a bit rough I start to look at men that I wouldn't otherwise give a 2 nd look.
I think life goes through phases and you have to decide what's more important, a sexual life with new man or a quieter life with husband? Who knows after councelling your husband may become more amorous and you can have it all.
I'd warn away from the affair because it'll just lead to more aggro and heartbreak.
Sorry for rambling on.
Hope you get what you need and want what you get.

You're asking if you can live without sex - well, only you and the future can answer that.

Some can, some can't. You could do a straw poll on mn, and find out what other people think but, really, it all comes down to you. Doesn't matter what works for other people. You have one life. And only you can live it.

If, on balance, you can live without sex because friendship, rest of your life, etc, cancel out the cost of no sex, then, I guess, you'll live without sex.

If not, then you won't.

Wrt OM - well, use it as a thought-experiment; what's it telling you? Be very honest. I have opinions as to what it's suggesting, but I think the exercise would do you good if you do it for yourself.

Yes, try counselling - but put in a little thought beforehand as to what, precisely, it is you want to explore. What would be your optimum shape of a relationship? What would you compromise on? These things are different for everyone - you need to work out what you want.

What do you want?

Wrt affairs ... well, you know, there's a lot of talk on mn about how people should act v. rationally about splitting up and I am well impressed. I have a few friends who have split up that way, but they are extremely conceptual people ... and it has consequently taken them years, and years, and years to separate, and a lot of talk, and a lot of counselling. And it demands enormous emotional literacy, enormous patience (of camel-like proportions), and a capacity to be extremely abstract. Oh yes, and enormous reserves of existential courage, too.

So, I cannot find it within myself to be harsh on those who do have affairs. I find I know too many people who are not so capable of such exemplary conceptuality and fortitude.

Most people don't have that. I am astonished and deeply impressed by how many there are on mn.