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Words for those contemplating an affair

13 replies

Mumfun · 13/03/2010 10:16

Yes its American and yes its aimed more towards men. And could be taken as OTT. But Im living this and its got so many points that are so true - and if it makes someone stop and think - its been worth posting it:

Adultery

Adultery is the most selfish, destructive and hateful thing a person can do.

It?s funny what you don?t know going in.

Or what you choose to ignore.

And it?s tragic that you don?t realize until it?s too late, until what?s done is done, how utterly wasted a life can be. How hopeless hopeless can become. How the promise and joy of life can slip like water through guilty hands.

Hell is merely realizing what you?ve done.

Mostly to others, but ultimately to yourself.

Hell is the flash of memory, snippets and snapshots of a happy spouse, a newlywed or new mother, pleased and pledged her future and hopes tied to you. Her whole life in all its stages gambled on you. The very nature, substance and quality of her life, through all its years, depending on a promise you have casually or repeatedly broken.

How you can take an hour or a decade of selfishness and condemn an innocent person to a lifetime of loneliness and disappointment.

How you can steal someone?s dream and leave it tattered and stained, unrecognizable and unsalvageable. And not just any someone. The one person who has given you more than any other. The only one who truly understands you and cares about you, and who proved it by giving herself to you. By having faith in you and supporting you.

That?s the one you destroy.

It?s an emotional murder. The snuffing out of a life that should have been lived. Not the stopping of a heart, but the breaking of a heart. Taking the ?happily? out of ?happily ever after.? It?s an emotional murder.

And that?s the hell.

For you because you deserve it, and for her because she doesn?t.

Then there are the children.

Innocents whose lives are forever and unfairly changed. Who have a mommy and a daddy one day, but not the next. At least not in a real way. Not in the way they are supposed to. No Christmases and family reunions and weddings and graduations, no family nights around the dinner table or the TV, it?s all just shattered and broken.

You?d kill someone who hurt your children a fraction of how badly you?ve hurt them, and yet you?ve done it, and they tell you it?s OK but you know it?s not and you?ve done it and you can?t run away from it and Humpty Dumpty can?t be put back together again.

And children cry.

When they are young, and decades later when they are old.

The family died, and daddy did it.

That?s the hell.

Realizing that.

Realizing that you did that to them. That you have returned hate for love, betrayal for trust, evil for good.

You have broken the only promise you really had to keep. And in the world of cause and effect they reap the harvest you have sown.

Adultery isn?t something you do with another person, it is something you do to your family. To the hopes and lives of the only people who will ever really matter to you.

It is a blind and hateful selfishness, a universe out of kilter, an arrogance of priority and interest. You are all that matters, nothing else counts, and you have everything backwards.

And it seals you off until you are alone and they don?t have you even if you are in their midst. Ultimately you rot so much that it collapses, the marriage and the family, and out you spin, not realizing a fraction of what you?ve done and who you?ve hurt and what you?ve lost.

But it comes eventually. In the dark of the night, in the realizations of the soul, in the honesty of humility.

And you can?t think about what you?ve lost, because you?re too ashamed of what you?ve taken. Ashamed and anguished and wrong.

And that is hell. The realization of what you?ve done. Of who you?ve hurt. Of the damage you?ve caused. Of the fact it?ll never go away.

That is the lake of fire and brimstone.

You realize that life was a test.

And you failed.

You failed your family.

Adultery brings nothing but sorrow and pain. The likes of which words cannot communicate and imagination cannot conjure.

?Thou shalt not commit adultery? was not a restriction, it was a warning.

Which only fools fail to heed.

  • by Bob Lonsberry © 2004
OP posts:
AnyFucker · 13/03/2010 10:19

Gosh, very overdramatic, but some insightful points in there

I presume that this "bob" wrecked his family in this way ?

HappyWoman · 13/03/2010 10:32

Trouble is - 'its never going to happen to me'

We are all too wrapped up in our own lives.

Who in the office is brave enough to stand up to those who they see everyday doing this to their 'loved' ones?

It is none of our business - these things happen. Always has and always will.

Surely it cant have been a happy marriage if he goes off and has an affair?

All around us everyday we see disrespect and yet as a society we allow it - all too scared to challenge it, and in fact sometimes penalised for doing so.

That is why i will NEVER support Charles being king - he is supposed to be head of the church where 'forsaking all others' is still part of the marriage vows.

Sorry thats me just being dramatic now.

pottybutnice · 13/03/2010 10:54

Gosh!!! Straight from the Bible Belt of the US or perhaps from the mullahs of Iran.

But do you think it is wise to let the actions of another person (who, after all is a free individual, not a slave to marriage or anything else for that matter) have such a dramatic impact on one's life?? Sorry, I am not in any way trying to diminish the pain caused by deception by someone that you love.

But, I am not going to let some man who is ruled by his lower level faculties destroy my life. If he decides to be a prat, that is up to him. I would go on my way with my children (who are my first priority and who I love unconditionally) and with who-ever else wants to come along and add to my life rather than take away.

I think all that fire and brimstone stuff is just way over the top. I DO undertand the pain and anguish. But the other side of the coin is a return to a type of religious fundamentalism where any kind of deviance is seen as practically punishable by death. Unfortunately, human nature being what it is, people will not always behave like saints.

I decided a long time ago that I would not let a man dictate my life or my feelings or give him the power to wreck my life.

mumof4sons · 13/03/2010 10:59

Thank you for that. I am living in the aftermath of my husband's adulterous affair. He left 3.5 weeks ago.

It sums up how I feel.

fortyplus · 13/03/2010 11:21

I tried Googling for Bob Lonsberry

If it's the same guy then he also says 'A writer is a fanatic.
A cocksure, arrogant little pain-in-the-neck fanatic who pecks out words under the delusion that it means something and makes a difference and somehow, over the morning coffee, somebody is going to agree.

Who knows, maybe it's a mental illness.'

And from Wikipedia:

'Lonsberry hosts two weekday radio talk shows, which feature a mix of news, political commentary, callers, and day-to-day anecdotes about his previous nights' drinking binges.'

Personally, I wouldn't be taking his prose as his honest thoughts on the subject.

fortyplus · 13/03/2010 12:00

pottybutnice - I agree 100%. Affairs are dreadful, selfish, hurtful things, but it's not realistic to expect to 'possess' another person for life. If my husband had an affair I'd be terribly hurt, but I would view it as a failing to be overcome and worked at together.

WhenwillIfeelnormal · 13/03/2010 12:16

Fortyplus and Potty - I agree wholeheartedly with your sentiments about not letting the actions of another destroy one's life - and also that the best approach is to face up to affairs and deal with them - and not throw away a long marriage for a few months of madness.

However, until this actually happens to you, it's impossible to foresee how devastating it can be. The ripple effect on every aspect of life is shocking - I would never have believed it, however empathetic I would have been to people's pain. The line that resonated with me was "a universe out of kilter". When this happens, it feels as though the whole world has in fact changed - and the things that previously brought joy, excitement and hope cannot do that any more.

What I take from this is that people entering into affairs always under-estimate the true effects - on themselves and especally on others.

It takes a long time to feel joy and hope for anything - even for people with full lives, lots of friends, rewarding careers - those very people (like me) who never did let their marriage define them as a person. I often think - goodness, if I felt like this, imagine how totally destroyed people must be if they have made their marriage their whole life - like the posters we often see on here? Or how much worse it would have been if the affair had signalled the end of the marriage - and it wasn't your choice?

Like so many things in life, until it happens, it is impossible to predict how you will feel. It really surprised me - on so many levels.

HappyWoman · 13/03/2010 16:48

potty that is fine - but due to circumastances often woman (and me included) do 'believe' and so take a different path for our lives.
I had a very furfulling career which could have supported me- i however trusted my h to provide finacially whilst i cared for our children. He was happy with this. He had promised me after all, and i trusted him. I thought it was what we both wanted.

He destroyed all that trust.

Would i advice my daughters to do the same - build their lives around a marriage?

The feelings of betrayal were terrible - but if i had not 'depended' on my h i dont think i would have had children or at least not as many (4). Do i regret that ?

All i would say is enjoy what you have and dont give yourself completly to anyone - but there has to be a level of trust and with that comes the risk of being let down.

animula · 13/03/2010 16:51

Oh boy.

I want to go and live on a planet with rational people.

AnyFucker · 13/03/2010 17:37

off you trot then, animula

animula · 13/03/2010 21:29

You're right, that was an ill-tempered, mean-spirited response.

The fire and brimstone stuff really, really got to me.

But ... there is a real person, in emotional distress, so, yes, indeed, off I trot.

OP, sorry you're in such a bad place right now. It is awful when we trust and love, and it is undone. But loving is a good and human thing; never regret your capacity to love. It's beautiful, it's a gift, and it brings more joy, on balance, than pain. A life without love is, surely, not a full human life. Be brave, and hopeful, and don't let this stop you loving again.

AnyFucker · 13/03/2010 21:37

yes, animula...it was waaaaay OTT

but some people on here are still in the midst of it...that is why they post

you cannot dismiss the depth of their feeling, that is all

I didn't mean to chase you off (nor can I...you are as entitled to post as the next person)

have seen you post elsewhere, btw, you sound fab

autumnlight · 14/03/2010 00:09

Don't do it. People just don't realise the devastating consequences and the fall-out from it. Personally, after the initial excitement of finding someone who was so attracted/attentive/interested to me, the sneaking around, the deceitfulness, the lying made me really ill - unsurprisingly, I was found out very quickly as I am not a very convincing liar and the guilt was unbearable as my 1st H, whom I cheated on, didn't deserve it - even though I can find reasons which led to it happening (we had grown apart and were more like brother/sister, difficult times having our child after many miscarriages put a strain on our marriage, nil sex life for nearly 3 years before I 'went astray' etc.etc.).

Sorry to be boring.

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