is it ok for dp to shou this loud?

[wizened]

DP is cooking downstairs while I put dd (age 4) to bed. I think he's just knocked over a jar of something because he's just roared, 'For fuck's sake.... Fucking hell.'It doesn't sound too bad reading that back but the decibels, the intense rage of it and dd hearing it make my stomach tie in knots. It makes me hate him. Now I'll go downstairs and feel like confronting him over it or quietly simmering. Either way, He'll say I'm over reacting and trying to make it about me.

Is it ok to react in this way to a mishap? He's obviously not injured himself or I'd he'd have been straight up here.

I have the very occassional rage like that when I am alone.
Not ideal, btu I wouldn't make a big deal of it if it is an isolated/rare incident..

It Used to wind me up when I lived with someone like that too.

No it is not ok. Is is a one off or a regular occurance? If done regularly by behaving that way he is setting the emotional tone for the whole house and everyone in it, so actually it is about you really and your dd. He's pissed off so he will make sure everyone is on tippy toes about it. Very controlling invho if he does it regularly. My Mum used to do it and my heart would start pounding and the adrenaline would start. Awful.

He works hard to control his temper, particularly lately, but sometimes like then he can't help himself. having said that I'm sure if it had happened in front of guests he'd have controlled himself. I've just spoke to him about it. He doesn't think he did anything wrong.

Another wise lady on here pointed out that people can and do control themselves in other situations.

Would he react like that at work in front of his boss if he'd knocked his coffee or whatever over? Unlikely I think. Which means he CAN control it but just chooses not to at home and in front of you.

Personally I think swearing like that is not appropriate when children can hear it.

I have however been known to drop the F-bomb if I hurt myself or knock something over, and I would not worry about doing it in the hearing of my OH because I know he doesn't mind. In fact he would be more likely to rush in all concerned wondering what was wrong.

Yes if I was at work I could control myself, but I'm not at work, I'm in my own home.

Do you dislike swearing per se? Or is it only that your DD heard it?

Did you ask him what was wrong?

He dropped a pot of peppercorns. He told me a disaster had occurred! I'm not particularly anti-swearing, it's more the loss of control, anger in his voice. I've been with him for years but I still hate it when he does this.

thesteelfairy2 very interesting post which rang true to a certain extent about my house too - when dh is in a mood which is quite often it feels as if he wants to drag me down with him and will invariably complain about / blame me for something - never sure what it is going to be in advance - which leads to this fairly constant feeling of walking on eggshells - how did your dad deal with your mum's temper?
wizened - my dh also has a short temper and also occasionally swears within hearing of the children - he doesn't really do the blind fury thing that you seem to be describing but is prone to chucking things around (we have issues over my accumulating things in the house that he doesn't want) a little when frustrated and I don't like this as immediately makes me tiptoe around and try to blend in to the the background

i screamed 'fucking bastard telly ' whilst holding my 12 week old baby at 3 in the morning last week , i NEED news 24 to get me through the wee hours ,plus because its on a constant loop if i doze off i can catch up !

actually i probably didnt scream ,it just sounds loud ,because the house is so quiet,because absolutely everyone else is fast asleep !!!!

arabella2 Blaming your significant other for anything that goes wrong is actually abusive behaviour, oh how well I know the feeling of walking on eggshells first with my Mum when I lived at home and second with xh, with my Mum I never really got over that was terrified of her right up into my late twenties. My Dad dealt with it by not being there that much, he had to be away a lot for work but went out quite a lot even when not working. He just ignored it as much as possible and then there would be huge explosions when he obviously couldn't stand it anymore, invariably followed by him storming out and leaving us with her. Great.

As for exh I was much more angry than scared, there was no way I was going to be "walking on eggshells" as an adult as well. So we had tons of rows because he was unable to control his blaming behaviour and I was unable to accept it.

The short answer to OP's title is "If you have to ask the question, it's not OK."

I am a shouter & swearer but often have make a rapid apology if I do it in front of other people. I wouldn't dream of thinking others wrong to be offended! How selfish!

The delicate expression "walking on eggshells" actually means living in fear. Food for thought, perhaps, OP?

My dh is a shouter and a swearer when silly little things go wrong. He would never hurt a person but has broken plenty of things in temper. Often he doesn't realise his own strength when he breaks something. He kicked the front door once and broke it. I was fuming.
We have spoken about it plenty of times and he knows I find this part of his behaviour unacceptable. He would not tolerate this type of behaviour from our dcs which I have pointed out to him countless times. His little outbursts are never directed at anybody always I know he is angry at the situation and not me or the dcs but still makes me feel uncomfortable. He also accepts that it is wrong and will always apologise later.
It's ok to be angry and irritated by crappy little things it's how you deal with it. If it makes you feel uneasy you need to talk about it.

I'd yell at home. It's not anger directed at you, is it? Just that he's angry and letting it out. So? In the same way, I wouldn't burst into tears at work, but I have no problems with doing so in front of DP, even if I know perfectly well it's just that time of the month and totally groundless. DP turns the air blue when he's cross with the computer; I grin.