How do you tell your kids your splitting up from your husband?

[SpiritualKnot]

Anyone got any tips on this subject? Hubby said he wanted to leave me, told me on Sunday and has now found a rented place to move to in the same town.

We've decided to tell our children tomorrow (son is 18yr and daughter is 10 yr). What is the best way of doing this? We agree that both me and hubby need to it together, but he thinks tell the son first and then the daughter, whilst I'm wondering whether we should tell them both at the same time? We plan to make it "not a big deal". Plan to say something like "We're not getting on very well so dad's moving out for a while to see how things go".

His best friend died at the end of January, so it's a hard time for him but says he's wanted to go for years.

He actually, today, pinpointed the down turn of our relationship as being at the point where our son and myself nearly died in chidbirth 18 years ago. The trauma we both went through at that time was horrific, the mismanagment of the whole thing was a disgrace.

Affected us both greatly, hence the big gap in ages between our kids. However, hadn't realised that he held that as being the point of things going wrong in our marriage. We'd only been married about 7 months at that time. This is over 18 years later now.

Anyway, any advice on how to tell the kids? Have to tell them soon as daughter keeps asking why my eyebrows are all red. Seems to happen when I cry or am holding back the tears?

SK

SK. Sorry to hear everything you are going through.

Personally I think you should tell them both at the same time. This way they wont be divided ie you told him first-why?

It may be that you need to take time afterwards to talk to them indiviaully-your son being older may have more questions he wants to ask.

Your daughter may need more reassurance its not her fault.

Good luck

Would probably go for both at the same time - I did.

Gives them both the opportunity to ask questions and makes sure they both hear the same words from you both.

Good luck - if you google the topic you'll find plenty of advice on what to say

Will speak with hubby tomorrow about it. He thinks of our son as being a man now I think, whereas I still see him as my little boy, that's maybe why hubby wants to do seperately.

Daughter is going to be mega upset, she's very dramatic about everything, so this is going to be awful for her. I'm worried about my son as he's coming up to his A levels and I don't want this to affect that side of things.

Hubby reckons they know something's wrong, I don't think they have a clue! I didn't have a clue when my hubby told me he was leaving and he just can't believe that either.

SK

How sad for you all, but I would expect it to be a 'big deal' for them, their family will never be the same. Unless there has been abuse or things are absolutely intolerable at home, do you really have to do this now - a matter of about 10 weeks before your son's A Levels? Of course, your husband may have made his mind up, but how incredibly selfish. Your son is not a man, he's a young person and your daughter is still a child - if you do go ahead with this plan then I would tell them together, at least then they can support each other.

Can't you go to Relate, behave as well as you can and then make a decision after your son's exams?

I've asked him to wait but he won't, says he can't as he's so unhappy.

Another reason he's had enough is that we do nothing together. He likes running and drinking,I like holidays and dancing.

He says we do nothing together but I've asked him if we can go to the gym together and go on holdays together and he'salways refused. I've paid for us to go to a hotel together at the end of the month and have theatre tickets booked for April and July (now going to hotel with my daughter). Not sure what to do about the theatre.

However,I don't want to go running or on long walks with him, he has friends he can do that with.Plus he always phrases it like "I know you hate walking...."

SK

Your son may be legally an adult, but there is still a lot of "growing up" to be done when you are 18!

I really think your husband should hold off until your son has finished his A level exams. If he's waited 18 years ()surely he can wait another 3 months???

I'm sorry you are in this situation.

if he is that unhapy and is making life mierable for all then best get it over and done with.
agree tell both , make it simple,.

"moving but will be close by, will see you on xxx days.."

how do the dcs get on with him anyway? are they close? does he do stuff with them?

did you ever both get counselling for the birth etc?

i woudl suggest you do get counselling now in any case and see if there is someeone your dcs can speak to?

agree is bit much to wait 18 years to tell you it is all gone wrong since then...

SK - I read this and your other thread and I can see the raw pain you are in. I hope you've got someone in RL to help you at the moment.

I've got this overwhelming feeling that you are not being told the truth by your H, I'm afraid. Do you think it's possible he has met someone else, hence the urgency - especially at such a bad time in your son's life?

The last clue for me was his story about your son's birth. This sounds like a major bit of history re-writing to me.

If he has met someone else, he won't want to admit that to the children, given that he won't admit that to you - so it explains his control over what gets said to which child - and how.

Hi again,

Not told the kids. We decided yesterday to wait until he's actually got somewhere and the place he was hoping to get has fallen through.

He's still deperately looking, not much available at the moment though.

He gets on really well with our daughter, they go for walks together and she always misses him when he's at work. My son is pretty indifferent to him, though just as a normal teenager is.

I had counselling after the birth which I thought helped, but the problems hit me again years later, The second lot of counselling made me realise that I wanted another child, hence my daughter...conceived in the space of weeks after my decision.

Problem with my sons birth is that it left me with physical problems, needed surgery to mend my anal passage and afterwards had, and still have, problems with face to face sex as was entered by that many hands during my labour, all from the front, that I can't bear contact from the front since then. So hubby has had this to contend with since then. so i know what he means.

Getting a lot of support from work, boss has given me special leave and they ring up to check I'm ok. work full time amd went in Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, but broke down on Thursday and came home. Off today as well. Hope to be back in on Monday.

Will keep looking for somewhere for hubby over the weekend. He hasn't got another woman in his life by the way. He's not like that and neither am I. Always been totally loyal to each other, we're both the same in that respect at least.

SK

They were told last night.I popped out of the kitchen for a second and when I got back hubby was in the middle of telling our daughter

So much for us deciding to do it together.Later I was in bed and hubby came in and told me he'd just told our son!

Anyway. Not all bad though,it went well. We'd had the decorators in who are about to do a lot of interior painting in about 3 weeks time. We had agreed to tell the kids that whilst mummy got the house sorted and painted dad would move out.

Sounds ridiculous but we know a slowly slowly process is what suits our daughter best. Our son understood as my hubby added that we'd see how this seperation went. Son told hubby he's got faith in him, which I thought was rather sweet,yet mature.

Once our daughter realises that not much else will change regarding her, hubby and I will have worked out what we both want.

He'll still pick her up from school on the days he used to do and take her for walks. We've had such seperate lives for so long, kids have always done things either with mum or with dad, rarely together.

We're getting there, hopefully.

SK

We told our children separately. I had a teen taking A-levels and a younger child.

School seems unaffected. We put it off because of uni visits and exams and interviews and then Christmas....
The teen told me later she knew and she wished we'd just come out and said it sooner.

Continue to talk to your children. You are all on an emotional rollercoaster. Mine have blamed me, blamed him, blamed themselves and finally accepted that it was a relationship that ended. No blame needs dishing out. We all tried.

Work through to a new future.

Hi Petitioner,

Sounds similar to us. Are you amicable with him and are you seperated or divorced now?

SK

SK - sorry, I still think there might be more to this break-up than meets the eye. The urgency about everything is suspicious.

According to him, he has been unhappy for years. If true, that's very sad, but it doesn't sound like the relationship has been hell on earth and intolerable. There is still friendship there, evidenced by you now wanting to help him move on. Most parents in this situation would perhaps say how they felt, but agree to wait until their child had completed major exams. before parting. I suspect it's what you would do.

He has gone against your wishes about when the children were told and how they were told. He presented you with a fait accomplis.

No-one thinks their partner is "the sort" to have an affair - but I have never known urgency like this when there wasn't an OW/OM in the background urging an affair partner to get on and leave.

It might make no difference whatsoever to the outcome, but it might help you deal with your grief better if you find out the real reason he is leaving. And if there is another woman in the mix, who is also supporting her own children, that can affect your family finances in the future.