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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I'm just so ANGRY with my sister

19 replies

arolf · 11/03/2010 15:43

background - DP and I had DS last year, got engaged, and have been together 6 years. We're getting married in August, and have told whole family the date (told them in january). Dsis broke up with fiance 3 years ago, after claiming he'd been hitting her. She later told us she'd made that up as an excuse to leave him. She got together with current man in August last year.

So, yesterday I got a short text from sis saying 'new man and i engaged x'
I responded with 'congratulations! will call later!', and then called her in the evening to say congrats in person. On the phone she was very cagey, and when I asked if they had any ideas when they'd marry, she got very defensive, shouting 'no! we want to ENJOY the engagement first!'. Fine, whatever - I just said that's nice, enjoy the engagement, that's what we did! She then asked me if DP and I have decided when we'll be marrying . 'um, yes, you know we're doing it in August, you've already told me you won't be coming because you have to work' her - 'oh, I didn't think you actually meant it, and we haven't got an invitation yet or anything'. me 'yes, we'll send invites in may, think 3 months will be enough notice!' her 'I still won't be coming'

Then today, I called mum to ask about something else, and mentioned Dsis engagement. Mum got very odd, and told me sis was very scared to tell me anything in case I'm angry, and I musn't be rude to her. Also, sis told mum yesterday that I didn't seem very happy, but never mind, she can live with that, and doubt arolf will send me a card saying congratulations, she's just jealous. (mum didn't say this in as many words!). also, mum asked why I didn't want sis to marry before me (I don't care actually, and said nothing of the sort re: her being before me) and I replied that I really don't mind, so long as she's happy, but it's not so unusual for oldest child to marry first, is it? mum exploded how unfair I was being assuming I should marry 1st just because I'm oldest. I DID NOT SAY THAT!!!
I actually got a card this morning to send her, and was the only family member to send a card for her 1st engagement, even though ex fiance and I had mutual loathing thing going on.

Sis also told sis 2 that I am deeply jealous, and she's scared of me, I'm so competitive, bullying etc etc. (sis 2 finds whole thing alternately ridiculous/amusing, but doesn't want to get involved. totally fair on her part!)

But why?!! I have said NOTHING nasty to her, just congrats! When DS was born, she refused to visit me, insisting I go to her (with a 10 week old), then when I was a bit about it, she turned on the tears, told parents how unreasonable I am being, and how rude not to visit her. When my engagement was announced (I was 20 weeks pg so it shouldn't have been a huge shocker ), she sent me a card, but never mentioned it to my face. I don't feel like I'm competing with my younger sis over this, but she clearly does!

oh, i'm just so livid! I'm being painted as the baddie here, and can clearly do no right. I feel so manipulated, but don't want to anger people, so am being nice as pie. but secretly want to slap sis in the face until the cows come home.

What the hell should I do?!

(am off to post office, but will be back in case you think i'm disappearing!)

OP posts:

JaneS · 11/03/2010 16:16

Send her the card, say congratulations and you're thrilled for her, gush a bit. Hopefully it'll all blow over if you let it.

tiredfeet · 11/03/2010 16:23

send a card, sound happy, carry on with your wedding plans, don't get involved in her antics and hopefully it will all wash over. It sounds like she has a thing about wanting to get married before you, but really, its not a race to be married, whats important is that you're marrying the right person at the time thats right for you. If she chooses to get married first, be gracious about it and keep quiet about how annoying it is (you are I think allowed to be secretly a bit annoyed, as it sounds like she is playing games a bit, but the more you can ignore it all the easier it will be for you and everyone

LaDietrich · 11/03/2010 16:24

she does sound a bit of a nightmare but you need to rise above it and be glad you ain't her imho

MarshaMallow · 11/03/2010 16:32

.....if I didn't know better I'd swear you were writing about my sister!!

After many years I am finally two years no contact with her...I just couldn't 'play the game' anymore and admitted defeat. She can be the 'winner' as much as she likes now and manipulate the rest of the family to high heaven (just as she always has) without me feeling responsible for cleaning up her nastiness.

I can't be bothered to take part in a competition that I never signed up for. It wore me down that much that it became a save myself or be doomed to the scapegoat role forever...I chose to save myself.

Life is sooooo much easier not having to deal with the family phonecalls divulging her lies and asking ME what the heck is going on...no-one would ever front her out and as far as I know still no-one has. I used to cover for her with everyone...not anymore though.

Sorry I have no 'proper' advice I just wanted to let you know you are not alone in having to deal with the sister nonsense. x

poshsinglemum · 11/03/2010 16:51

Sounds very immature of her and pathetic really.

ineedabodytransplant · 12/03/2010 09:29

And here I was thinking she was planning to get married the week/day/hour before you.......

sit yourself down, have a nice cup of tea/stiff whisky(!) and look forward to YOUR future and let her stew as much as she likes. If you let her get to you too much it will spoil things for you and your OH.

JUST COUNT DOWN THE DAYS...

bibbitybobbityhat · 12/03/2010 09:43

She sounds a bit unhinged. Why can't she take a day off in August to come to your wedding? Hardly very supportive of you is she - what does she mean "I didn't think you meant it!" re. the August wedding date? Sounds like whatever you do or say will be wrong in her eyes, she has a weird secret agenda. Talk to your mum honestly about this when you've calmed down -I can see that its difficult for you to have an honest conversation with your sister.

Rindercella · 12/03/2010 09:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

StepSideways · 12/03/2010 10:01

She sounds very childish, my sis has an equally big complex, fortunatly she's in Canada now and we havn't heard from her in years..

MarineIguana · 12/03/2010 10:08

Sounds like she's projecting a lot - you're obviously not jealous, she is - probably always has been because you're older, and she also sounds jealous of you having DC and a solid relationship and generally having your head screwed on. Agree with other posters, you have to back away a bit, don't engage with nonsense and game-playing, and just make your own family and wedding your focus.

I have sister issues, not quite the same but I recognise some of this. I feel that I have been pushed around emotionally and felt very angry for a long time and recently decided to try to stop pandering to the whole situation. It's hard when you try to change the way you respond, but also refreshing.

MorrisZapp · 12/03/2010 10:36

Are you genuinely happy for your sister, and delighted that she's engaged?

kittyonthebeam · 12/03/2010 10:47

Congrats to you! Your sister seems to have a massive chip on her shoulder. Let's see how long their marriage will last, why the rush? Just to swipe you one? I think she's very immature and what MarineIguana said.

Would send a lovely card and wish her well, keep all else to yourself.

Btw: I do think sending out cards 3 months ahead is okay if there's been phone announcements or emails to save the date.

Don't let her spoil your speacial day and stop thinking about her. Time will tell...

minxofmancunia · 12/03/2010 10:54

Are you talking about my (little) sister OP!?

I get the same immature, manipulative, spiteful behaviour from my "dear" sister. She calls me critical, a bully, and loads of other s**t. She loses her temper with me in Public in front of her friends she jumps on anything I say that's even got a hint of an opinion in it she's completely self-absorbed over sensitive and generally a PITA.

I keep in contact with her because of my dcs, she's a good auntie but I wouldn't put up with her behaviour if it wasn't for them.

She didn't used to be like this, she went travelling to South America and I think she left the nice side of her personality in Argentina somewhere because she came back a b*ch. DH is pretty shocked at how she is these days and my Mum struggles with her dogmatic, self-righteous bulls*t. I'd go as far as to say she bullies my mum the way she is with her.

The fact she's single and childless and doesn't own a house isn't my fault. But my God is she jealous (she's the one who places all worth in these concepts btw, not me).

Just send a card and ignore her, don't get drawn in.

Original poster

arolf · 12/03/2010 11:45

thanks everyone - DP and I are just keeping our distance from this one. We're half expecting her to announce she'll be getting married on the same day as us, but will wait and see.

I sent her the card, so will leave it that and just grin and bear any wedding speak from family

OP posts:

BravoJuliet · 12/03/2010 11:52

The first thing I picked up on was that you say she 'claimed to have been hit'.

If she was an abusive relationship and you don't believe her version of events then that would be incredibly difficult to overlook and ignore. I would have no time for any family member who said 'bravojuliet claims she was abused.

The wedding stuff might flow a bit more smoothly if you listen to her about what went wrong in her last relationship.

FlamingGalar · 12/03/2010 12:37

Bravo - OP's sister admitted to fabricating the abuse claims.

OP, your sis sounds like she is super jealous of you. Did you get on as children?

Original poster

arolf · 12/03/2010 13:32

bravo - I went to a lot of effort to get her away from her ex after she told me he'd been hitting her. called her every day once she was home so she could talk about it, wrote to her, sent her little things to cheer her up etc etc. she later told us she'd made it up to get out of the relationship.

this pisses me off so much - we treated her ex with such contempt, threatened police if he went near her, and he meekly slunk away, just for it to turn out she was lying. we could have ruined his life on the basis of her words.

I was raped as a teenager, and had NO support from family when I told them, so a) would never think someone is lying about abuse and b) would always offer support in any way i can.

flaming - no, we never got on, and she is jealous of me being older than her. unfortunately, there is nothing I can do about it, so we tend not to talk to eachother much.

OP posts:

MarshaMallow · 12/03/2010 14:02

..at least you didn't go as far as having her living with you and end up baby sitting her DC whilst she went back to so called 'abusive' partner for booty calls!

She admitted that's what she was doing the day she moved into the rent acc' I'd sorted out for her. My sis' was also very lucky I hadn't gone to the police..... her allegations were that serious.

What a sucker I was!

Well done on sending the card and 'playing nice'.

BravoJuliet · 12/03/2010 14:17

Blimey arolf, I missed that about her making up the abuse. Sorry. I guess maybe you could do without her on your wedding day. I agree, you sent her a card, so you're not playing her game. If she wants to miss out on big family day (your wedding) let her get on with it. You go to hers and you'll look like the bigger saner person!

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