Row with Mum, & not spoken for weeks, what to do about Mothers Day

[Feelingforty]

I have a very fraught relationship with my mother - she is quite domineering, thinks her way is best, that we can't cope without her etc. Although she does have a kind heart. We had a massive row at xmas, with me shouting for her to go away & her telling me to go (invmy house!). I went out & when I came back she'd gone. I said some horrible things, but things I meant. She threw stupid things at me because she was angry. As an aside, she is also very greedy & overweight & probably most importantly, indenial about everything (my childhood, her life, her weight, herself).

Everytime I;ve seen her for the last few years, it takes me days to recover. I moan on & on. My DH is fed up with the stories. I keep going round & round with it all in my head, have seen counsellors, psychologist etc, but i don't seem to be able to get to grips with it.
We've not spoken for about 10 weeks, although she has phoned a couple of times (ignored the phone) & now it's going to be mothers day & I feel if I don't send a card, she's going to be devastated.
I've been writing a letter to her this afternoon & reading it back it's very angry.
Should i send her an angry letter, if not, how else do I explain how I am feeling ? I'm an only child BTW & our relationship has been/is very intense.
Any advice would be great please...

Do you still want contact with her? If so then I would send a generic happy mothers day card. Save the angry letter for another time.

IMO it would be best to get mothers day out of the way then ring her and arrange to meet to talk over what has been going on. Try to be as honest with her as possible without getting wound up and take it from there.

Generic mothers day card. Holidays are never the time to make your feelings felt... it nevers comes to good.

Generic mothers day card. Holidays are never the time to make your feelings felt... it never comes to good.

Sorry for double post.

ok thanks - yes & no to the answer about contact. I know she loves me, but the problem is she uses the word 'desperately' so in my mind she is always trying to take over/be involved. She is divorced, doesn't have a boyfriend (says all the men are old/ugly/wrinkly) but does hang out with some women, who all think she is wonderful .

Somethings happened in the past where I don't think she acted for the best, unfortunately she, rather than take responsibility, says it was my fault.

Sorry, it's all starting to come out now.sigh...

Sounds very passive agressive, I would still follow through with the mothers day card (if you want to send one that is).

When you bring up issues on days like this, it will only be held against you, and made more out of.

If you want to confront your mother with any feelings you have I would do it at a more non elevated time, when you can be very up front.

Hmm. It's difficult you know, my first reaction to reading your thread title was "aaw, get in touch, it's mothers day" but then reading your op, she sounds like quite a difficult person to get along with. You basically have to decide whether you want her as a person in your life. If you find all time spent with her stressful and unpleasant then maybe you should either call it a day, or have some time away from each other.

Just as an aside though, you say she's "greedy and overweight" and this is something she doesn't face up to. But does she have to face up to it and change her physical appearance in order to be loved by you? I can understand disliking behaviours and personality traits but her physical appearance shouldn't be an issue for a loving daughter.

If you have things to say to your mother that she won't want to hear, saying them on mother's day is a waste of your energy because from her viewpoint anything you say is going to feel like cruelty - especially if she's looking out for a card from you - and she won't read it properly.

So, generic card if you want to and nothing if you don't.

Good post plantsitter, I agree.

Do not send the letter to your Mother. It will be used against you even more if you do.

You don't also have to send a mothers day card to her if you don't want to. I don't send one to mine.

I don't actually think your mother has a kind heart at all (she sounds very controlling); all that she has wanted to do your whole life is undermine you and use you as the scapegoat for her myriad of problems.
These are all actions of a toxic parent. Also the underplaying of her actions is a classic trait seen in such people as well.

What is your Dad like; are you still in regular contact with him these days?. I would try talking to him and see what he has to say but only if he is at all reasonable or amenable.

You may also want to read "When you and your mother cannot be friends" written by Rebecca Secunda. Another recommended publication is "Toxic Parents" written by Susan Forward.

thanks - not sure who is being passive agressive..is it me ?

It's always an interesting the one about being greedy & love. My mum seems to think that food is love, so when I was growing up I ate lots of choc. As did she, she also ate alot in general. Somewhere along the line she went on a diet which meant we ate better & I slimmed down. There has always been issues with food (from her passed to me). I recall measuring my waist about age 9/10. She refers to her time at home as, "we always had good grub". But the reality is she never gave me good food. I ate alone & ate rubbish. Now, she is always stuffing her face & yes, she is entitled to be fat, but I don't want her imposing her food hangups at my DC. Anyway, this is just a small(ish) part of the problem. The main is that she thinks she's right all the time, that she knows best & as I said, that I can't cope. The reality is that I can cope & she doesn't know best & why doesn't she sort herself out rather than trying to 'fix' me (interfering in my eyes).

This is a loaded one. At the end of the day, I am cross that she doesn't respect my opinion(s)& continually seems to enforce hers on me.. She fawned over her mum & I think expects me to do the same to her. When I 'rebel' she shouts that I am just like my father. I think it's her way or the highway & I frequently choose the highway.

This is therepeutic for me BTW...

the other thing about the appearance is she is always boasting about how she was fashionable, wore beautiful clothes, everyone copied her. SHe says she loves clothes from Monsoon, then turns up in trousers that are too short & a fleece from tesco. When I say anything about that, she retorts "well do you think you look nice". I don't actually, but then I don't boast about looking fab...

No! Your mum for blaming you.

It sounds like she tries to live through you to some extent by correcting you? Also by seeing any bad traits you may have through her eyes as "your fathers"?

As previously said it's up to you whether you want a relationship with your mother at the end of the day. If you don't, don't send a card. If you do, a generic card and then it's up to you on how you confront (or even if you do) any issues there are between you.

I know a couple of people that have similar relationships with their parents, one ignores the bad and carries on regardless (says they won't change at this stage) and another that has a very turbulent relationship with frequent fallings out when they challenge any behaviour they don't agree with.

I think the path you take depends on how you think your mother would react and whether it is worth pursuing in your eyes.

Hope it works out for you.

Sorry, I took ages to write that. She could even resent how she looks and feels and be projecting that onto you?

Someone once told me that you can't help what someone says but you can help how they make you feel. Unfortunately this is one of those cases...

ok, yes I see that. She blames everyone for things though...

Yes in a way she has tried to live her life through me, she wanted me to have all the oportunites that she never had..unfortunately i didn't want them, but no-one ever listened to me & if I managed to get heard, I was 'told off'.

I suspect she is very unhappy at the moment, which I don't want her to be, but I've just had enough. And now I feel guilty for having enough.

At the end of the day, I would like a relationship with her, but a balanced one & I don't think she has a concept of what that is. In her eyes we have to remember the 'good times' all have to like the same thing, all do the same thing. Like clones.
I've read a book called the dance of intimacy & it talks about being true toself & how the other person acts when this happens, which is mostly in a negative way. This is what happens & we are stuck. This is hanging over me all the time.

My MIL is the most difficult person you could ever imagine. Several times I've seen her reduce dh to tears (something even I can't do) with her unreasonable demands. 5 years ago she stopped talking to both of us. We don't know why, she often stopped talking for months for stupid reasons (like once I didn't tell her ds had a routine dental appointment and she ignored us for 5 months). This time it has carried on and seems unlikely to ever be resolved. DH has tried to call he sends b'day, mothers day, xmas cards every year but no response.
My dh is devastated by this and even though he has done nothing wrong he talks of the guilt he will feel when she's gone and it will be to late to make up.

I say send the card and try to talk when you are both feeling calmer. At the end of the day you only get one mum even if they are sometimes a pain in the bum.

AttilaTheMeerkat thanks for the book suggestions, have looked up both, in particular when you & your mother can't be friends (out of stock at amazon unfortunately).

I can't quite get my head round the toxic parent stuff...I think traits have come down from her mother, which they have tried to force on me.

I will look up other threads on toxic parents, to see if I can identify anything.

Dolphin13, if you don't mind me saying, I think you DH would have better luck banging his head somewhere. If his mother doesn't want to make up, perhaps he should just walk away..sounds like he's done all he can ?

Hi feelingforty,

re your comment:-

"can't quite get my head round the toxic parent stuff...I think traits have come down from her mother, which they have tried to force on me".

This is precisely how toxic parents operate. Also such problems are often generational in nature; their issues get passed from one generation to the next.

I really understand what you're saying about the 'good grub' thing, FF. My mum equates food with love, which played a big role in me being anorexic when I was younger yet being a bit overweight now - I hate the implication that because we ate very well we were therefore very happy.

I appreciate that being hungry is no fun either, but the idea that that is all you need for a loving childhood royally pisses me off

I've tried to talk about it with my mum but she just gets defensive.

BTW I've sent a small online gift that let me type a message, so I've ticked the mother's day box without actually having to choose a card, write it etc

Good luck

yes this is exactly what happens with my mum, food is not love. However, seeing as I practically starved (slight exaggeration of course, but was very skinny) I guess the love had gone then ? She is always trying to entice my DC, cue cream cakes/any cake on the TV, OOOOoh doesn't that look lovely. My DC look up thinking, what's she on about. The defensive reaction is same as what I get from my mum, actually I get attack, which in her mind is the same as defence.
Good strategy ref the card.

AttilaTheMeerkat, I think the thing with describing her as toxic is quite shocking to me. However, she is always telling me she'd die for me, die for the DGC. Yet when it came down to it & our family home was sold, I was made homeless. She went to live with GP, I went into lodgings. I am VERY angry now...of course it's over 20 yrs ago but because no-one wants to own this mistake, I can't settle. In fact I've been told it's my fault..& some people have it much worse..Anyway, the guilt is thrown back at me.

I have sent a card...no letter...that's looking very angry & ugly on the sofa next to me..

Yes, it's you have no right to complain/be unhappy if your mother has gone to the effort of buying/cooking/serving your favourite meal, but it really is a method of control if you're not available to talk about the real stuff as well

Well done with not sending the letter - now is not really the time and you will keep the 'upper hand' for another day!

Hi feeling forty just wandered what you decided to do for mothers day?????????

thanks for asking. I just sent a (nice) non mothers day card. When Monday arrived I had a massive sense of relief that it was all over...the scenario is still dragging on of course...

For what it's worth I think you made the right decision, I have a very strange relationship with my mother, I always look for a nice non mothers day card