stepkids

[stepmumhell]

Am i the only person who dreds my partners kids coming round on the weekend, they visit every other weekend and whilst they are pleasant enough kids and not really alot of trouble and they get on really well with my daughter, I just get myself into a right state about it as it get closer and i turn into a right misserable old bag. Is this normal, will it ever change?

Maybe you should find yourself a new partner without kids? The kids were I assume there first?! I would hate to think of my DD going somewhere that she wasn't wanted.

I don't understand why people get involved with people that have children already if they cannot put those children first.

i agree lisa!!

they must pick up on your moods too (is that your intention?)

and i guess they feel unwelcome and will eventually stop wanting to come and be of an age where a court order cant force them. again,is this what you're hoping for?

Not ever having been a step-parent, I can't comment from your pov. But I expect it's hard for the stepkids to come round too as it's not their house and maybe they can tell you've got yourself into a state about it. I had a terrible stepmum which has somewhat clouded my views on your issue, but presumably you knew your DP had children so consciously made the decision to take on the role of stepmum. And from what I've read on mn you seem to be quite lucky with your stepkids too.

Yes it does change. It takes time for all parties to adjust - I know I had visions of one big happy family and the reality was very different.

I knew he had children and I thought it was all going to be lovely but in reality it wasn't. It can take time for 'new' families to gel together. My stepsons are lovely and I never thought I would say that at one point.

Give it time and try really hard not to get wound up before they come. If you put that effort in it will make for a more relaxed atmosphere and things will improve. You're not alone in feeling like this.

OP - unfortunately you'll get a lot of stepmum 'bashers' unless you post this on the stepparent board. Being a stepmum means for many that you're not actually allowed to express opinions (although many birth parents come on here daily to complain about how frustrating/tiresome they find their own kids, despite 'choosing' to have them)

fwiw - you're definitely not along in feeling this way. Honestly, try posting on the other board and you'll find there is support and advice

My DC's have a Step mum and go to stay with her and their dad every other weekend.

All I have ever expected from her is to be polite and kind to my DC's, no more, no less.
Sometimes DC's come home and tell tales about how she has told them off etc but I just ignore it. I feel that what goes on in their house is up to them regarding rules etc. If SM needs to tell them off, I'm sure it's for a good reason. As long as no harm is coming to them I don't see a problem.

OP I'm sure you'll get used to your DSC's. Do you get yourself into a state because you want to make a good impression with them/their mother or is it another reason?

Its aint easy having a blended family and all you can do is your best. Does your partner pull his weight or do you feel that it is down to you to do all the prep/welcoming etc? It helps if you arent the one doing all the bedmaking and laundry and tidying etc. Also kids getting on is a good thing too so thats a big positive for you all.

If I were you I'd take a step back at the weekends nad let your dp get on with things more. I dont mean pull out completely just let him lead more and just relax nad go with the flow.

Step parenting is a thankless task for the most part and lots people on here think you should shut and put up with everything cos you dared to have a relationship with someone who already has kids. you shouldnt but it is a case of give and take and everyone adjusting to try and do their best by all the kids.

If they are nice kids and get on well with your daughter, why do you get yourself in a state? What is it that worries you?

not wanting to speak on behalf of the OP, but temple from my perspective, access visits can be, even subconsciously, fairly disrupting. This is in a way which wouldn't be the case if the stepchildren lived with you. The family dynamic can change during these times, sporadically, and often in a way which you have no control over. For example, when your stepchildren don't live with you, they are being brought up in a way which may be very far removed from how you/your OP would do it. Also they may have activities, arranged outside of your knowledge, which don't really fit with other commitments as you've had to chance to schedule them with what works best for the family as a whole.

In addition, the fact that the children don't see the father that often, means that there can be a lot of the 'holiday weekend' type thing going on. So the household becomes not a normally functioning one, but one that is much more geared towards entertaining the children not usually there. Other things can therefore give. I could go on, but I think it is just so much more complicated than everyone getting on or not.

i think OP you are very lucky that the stepkids get on with your daughter and they are pleasant enough i had a friend who has a stepson from hell so really not all stepkids are angels. My dd has a stepmother due to the language barrier they dont communicate much which is such a shame because dd says she is lovely

You need to work on this I think OP
Can you organise fun activities (that you enjoy too) to all do toghether so you can get enthusiastic and excited about their visit? You could also plan to make their favourite meals etc..
I'm sure you do fun stuff with them anyway, but sometimes planning can be fun and help you feel positive.

DD1 has a wonderful relationship with her stepmother, really mutually rewarding. There's a lot of potential for you there

I have two stepsons (14, 12) and my DD, their half-sister, is 5. My DSSs spend half the time at our house and we do a lot for them. We have a great time together - in fact, I have a great time even when alone with one or other of the boys - but it is always going to be a lot of hard work to be a stepparent.

Can you be a bit more precise about what you dread so much? Is it to do with invasion of your personal space? I have had had to ensure that I set my boundaries very clearly when my DSSs are here or I quickly feel as if I am a little slave scurrying around tidying up after everyone and then hiding in a corner!

I am not a step mum, but I am a step daughter, so I can see it from their pov. One of the hardest things for me, was that however often I visited my Dad and SM, I was never really one of their family. From the age of 10, I never lived with my dad, or went on holiday, or saw him on my birthday (apart from one, my 18th. My step brother had everything with my dad that me ans my sister didn't. And even things like knowing that my step brother was given stupid things like an ice cream at the park, could just talk to my dad whenever he wanted, whereas we had to wait until access day. It is hard being a step kid too and sometimes, they get demanding or difficult just because they miss having their dad their and yes, I admit, feel jealous of a step brother/sister, who has 24/7 access to the father. I admire step parents who try to make their stepchildren feel welcome and at home, but ultimately, unless you are especially well off, a stepchild is only ever going to be a visitor in your home, it won't be their home. And sometimes they will resent that. Maybe somehow, you need to think of them not as visitors, but as returning family.

sayithowitis - why do you think you have to be "especially well off" in order to ensure your stepchildren do not feel like visitors? Obviously if they do not have their own bedroom that would be a huge problem, but apart from that I cannot see why they would not feel at home for material reasons. Feeling at home is about feeling relaxed and comfortable and loved and supported with the other people in your home, surely?

Also, these days children have their own mobiles which means that regular chats and textos with the other parent are dead easy. My DSSs call DP for a chat several times a day! And they call me, too! And when they are with us they call their mother, and she calls them. There's no barrier there.

It is mainly the bedroom issue I am thinking about Bonsoir. It is about having a space that is truly yours, rather than always knowing that you are either sleeping in someone else's bedroom and bed, where nothing in that room is yours except the suitcase that you brought from 'home' with just enough clothes for the weekend/week/whatever. It is not having to sleep on a blow up bed in the kitchen/dining room because although your step brother/sister has a bedroom of their own, their is not even enough space for you to have your blow up bed on the floor in the same room as they are. And yes, unfortunately, as a child, it really hurts when you7 hear your step siblings going on and on about the fantastic hoiday they have just had when the only holiday you get is the four or five days when you go and stay with them during the summer holidays, because your mum doesn't have enough money to take you away even for a weekend. As an adult, you think differently, but as a child often it is the material things that stick in your mind. Jot every step mother is so accommodating as you are, or even willing to treat you as an equal child of the family. Some of them treat the children of their DH not badly, but certainly indifferently, as if by doing so will make their DH have a whole new background and history without the children from earlier marriages/ relationships. If my SM had been like you, I think a lot of the hurt I still carry would have been avoided.

i knew it would be difficult for everyone involved but I thought by now, a year on it would be getting easier and I can't understand why it isn't.

sayithowitis - your description is very sad. I have to say that I think it is totally unacceptable to make children from previous marriages sleep on a blow up bed in the sitting room! Obviously not every family is going to be able to afford separate rooms for all children but it is perfectly possible to have bunk beds in children's rooms and to create space that is reserved for children when they are only there part of the time.

My DSSs share a (very large) bedroom here, and have there own tiny shower room off it. I use their room for drying laundry almost permanently when they are not here but I always ensure there is not a trace of that when they come (even if they are just dropping by for an hour!). They need their own space at our house in order to make it their home.

stepmum, it does take a while. I have been a stepmum for nearly 8 years now and only recently have I become comfortable with it. Thats not to say I didn't love my stepson, but more that I didn't know how to handle it. He was quite a disruptive toddler and I didn't feel I could tell him off as I didn't want to become an 'evil stepmum' but at the same time DH didn't tell him either. I also used to get so upset at the state he came to us in, so much so that I couldn't get close to him. (although i always wanted him to live with us so we could be a proper family and he could be cared for in the way every little child deserves).

He is 10 now and things are great.

I agree with crazycrazy, some of the people replying to you (OP) probably don't even have step children there for they don't have a clue what its like to have step children come over once a week (or less). I find it hard, i have been with dh for 7 years and i still get stressed out when his children come over. I find it hard because we have no say in their lives (because they are with their mother for 6 days of the week), on the other hand they are great kids and i love them to bits, i get on well with them (well i think i do) and the dd's love it when they are here. I do feel more like their friend than a step mother and i hope they can come to me if they have any problems.

I do my best to make them feel welcome and they can come over whenever they like. The eldest is now 17 and we rarely see him as he's always out with friends or doesn't want to get out of bed to come over.

i have been a stepmum for 14 years now and have always tried my best but never quite cracked it, dss has always resented me and his half siblings. I just keep trying in the hope that one day he will realise that i tried to make things as good as possible. I think things are easier now than they used to be, i am comfortable with him and he confides in me, so ust be doing ok i suppose.

Hi stepmum - I understand how you are feeling even though it is over 40 years ago since I was in your position! Unless you are a step mum you just won't understand I'm afraid and you risk others saying you should put the kids first etc etc. You will already know this of course and the fact that there are tensions in the relationship just make you feel worse don't they. I used to really dislike myself for feeling tense around the times of my stepkids visits and sadly it caused lots of problems between myself and my partner at the time. I never really got it right though it did ease over time as others are saying.

I have seen it from both sides as my partner was a step father to my first born son and sometimes there were tensions there too.

I don't think it's anything to do with practicalities to be honest - it's an emotional issue. It isn't a natural situation - animals don't do it. In fact male lions will often kill young lions that theyhave not fathered, so that he can mate with the lioness and preserve his gene pool.

Thank god most of us stepmums don't act in this way but I still think it is an incredibly difficult relationship involving tension, jealousy, rivalry and all sort of unpleasant emotions that we often feel ashamed of having, which of course makes it all feel worse.

Not sure if this will help but I think it helps to know you are not abnormal in some way. I think it willimprove over time and when the kids get to be teenage, they do their own thing and it all gets easier but I suspect you have a long time to wait for this stage in their development.

It seems pretty unreasonable to not want perfectly pleasant children around. I know its probably uncomftorable for you to think he had a life before you but his kids should come first.

That's not right - stepchildren do not come first. In all adult couple relationships, children (whatever their parentage) should come second.

PPB - I am assuming you don't have step children and this is why you think it's unreasonable not to want "perfectly pleasant children around" - have you ever heard of the saying that you need to "walk a mile in someone's shoes" before you can understand their position.

Bonsoir - it depends what you mean by children not coming "first" - I think good parents will always put children's needs before their own - this is one of the major sacrifices we make as parents isn't it. Mind I also accept that if the relationship between the parents is built on trust and harmony this will be enormously advantageous for the children.