What do you think of this behaviour?

[WildSeahorses]

Just wondering what other MNers would make of behaviour...

Girl aged 14 is growing her hair. Her mother starts nagging her one weekend to get it trimmed because the split ends are showing. Girl says she doesn't want to cut it and lose length. Mother says that the girl's hair looks really awful and if she was her, she'd be ashamed to go to school with hair like that. FWIW the girl's hair is dry and does have split ends, but is not dirty, unbrushed or otherwise grim (i.e. nothing to actually be "ashamed" of although it is certainly in need of tidying up). Mother carries on in this vein until girl is in tears, saying she can't possibly go back to school looking so dreadful and asks her mum to trim it (after mother refuses to call the hairdresser to see if she can get an appointment for that day). Mother agrees and starts cutting. Mother keeps saying that she can't get the hair level because girl is moving around too much and not sitting with her shoulders level. Mother has cut about 4 inches off at this stage. By this point girl is crying and asking mother to stop. Mother shouts at girl until girl is too scared to get up from chair. Mother proceeds to cut another 5/6 inches off, carrying on the process of cutting off a bit of hair and then moving girl's shoulders then saying it doesn't look level and proceeding to cut off more hair. By this point girl can only just tuck her hair behind her ears. Girl becomes hysterical and mother eventually stops.

I know what I think of this, but am wondering whether others would concur - please share your thoughts...

Not much, he let her get away with loads, just turned a blind eye to most of what went on really. Apparently this is classic though with abusive parents. I resent him as much as I resent my Mum now really because he could have done something, sometimes he does put his foot down about things now and she always backs down so why not back then for his children?

The worst thing was my fringe though, I looked completely ridiculous and it took months to grow back. I told a friend what had happened and she didn't believe me and told everyone I did it myself for attention, so no fringe and no mates for months. I was 14 too, obviously a time when how you look is really important.

Thesteelfairy it's crap that your dad just took the easy road and let his daughter be assualted in front of him.

The fringe thing is awful. Clearly an attempt to publicly humiliate you - it's such a noticeable part of your appearance. Do you think she was trying to effectively force you into getting all your hair cropped short (so that then it would all be the same length)? Forcing you to have short hair does seem to be a bit of a recurring theme with her.

Lousy behaviour on the part of your "friend", too.

Well she always wore her hair cropped as well. I think the big problem was the fact that I had trimmed my own hair without asking and it was out of her control. It was more about the fact that I would dare to do something like that without clearing it with her first. She controlled every aspect of my being down to telling me when I could be angry or sad. She is like it still but I don't let her in anymore so it doesn't really work for her.

That's interesting that your mother had cropped hair - the mother of the girl in my OP also had her own hair v v short (she actually had a number 2 haircut). She is also v controlling IMO. Am sensing a theme here...

Thesteelfairy, just out of interest, do you find it very difficult to have a relationship with your mother in the here and now at the same time as remembering all the things she did to you? How do you get past that, or do you find that you just end up "letting sleeping dogs lie" and keeping your interaction at a very superficial level?

I am so sorry for those of you whose mothers were unkind to you. It breaks my heart to read these stories. My mother was wonderful, and would never have done anything like this.

It strikes me as the behaviour of someone who's envious- As their daughters near an age where they'll become women themselves, the mothers try to a) belittle them back into children, and b) disfigure them, ruining their looks. Very, very sad.

Actually we do get on ok now. Its a very, very long story but basically I was pussy footing round her right up until ds was born 7 years ago. During his second year she started criticising the way I was bringing him up to other family members and then in turn starting criticising him as well, spoilt, badly behaved etc. I was beyond furious and completely cut her out of my and ds's life. For some reason I could allow her to treat me badly but once I had ds something clicked and I knew I could not allow her to treat him as she had treated me. She never even got to do it once. I heard what she had said, rang her and confronted her then did not speak to her for a year. Think this shocked her and she has been different since but only to me she still behaves like that to other family members. So I know nothing has changed fundamentally.

My ex h could never understand how I could have a relationship with her at all, there is so much more to this story but as long as I have very strict boundaries we get on ok and she is a doting grandmother. However we don't see each other that often so not sure how it would be if we lived near each other.

I know she hasn't changed really because I hear the way she talks about other people and especially children, assigning unpleasant traits to the poor little things that are completely in her head.

What a horrible mother. Thats disgraceful. And I thought my mum was bad by just insisting and wheedling me for a week up to a hair appointment to cut my long hair short, which I did to my regret.

Thats dreadful behaviour.

my mother did not cut my hair herself but made me have a crop when young (from about age 2) and hates me to have long hair (its mid length now)

I too think its some form of sexual jealousy or trying to deny sexuality. My mum has always had short non style hair (except when a child) and had beautiful black curly hair.

Its all very

It is bound up with issues around sexuality and sexual jealousy, though they are probably buried deep (as most dysfunctions in this area are). There's a cultural link, after all: the shaving/covering of women's heads for various superstitious reasons, the shaving of a person's head as a punishment/control mechanism - women who had relationships with occupying soldiers in WWII for instance often had their heads forcibly shaved.

OP I appreciate that you probably don't want to post as to who this mother and DD actually are (ie whether they are family or friends or acquaintances), but is there any way you can intervene or at least support the DD against what is definitely a toxic mother.

If you're in a position to say anything to the girl, OP, please do tell her you think her mum was out of order and it's reasonable that she was upset. Having childhood hurts dismissed/diminished is what causes lasting damage, as a glance at any Stately Homes page shows.

Gosh this sounds just horrible and bordering on abusive tbh.

My ex cut off all my daughters' hair on a contact visit - they both went with almost waist length hair and came back with ear length bobs and fringes - they are still traumatised by it now, two years on.

OK,

so first the mother says she would ashamed to have hair like that, but refuses to call a hairdresser.

then she cuts it, making a mess of it & instead of stopping & calling a hairdresser, she carries on cutting.

she cuts it v short, despite knowing the girl doesn't want to lose too much length.

The mother has issues....she objects to her daughters appearance, yet won't ring the hairdresser to fix it? Wtf?

Just to reiterate what everyone else has said - shocking behaviour.

Ironically, my almost 9 yo daughter wants to have her hair cut shorter but I love it long on her.

We have compromised - I want her to keep it long so we can put it up for my wedding in the summer, then she can have it cut.

She actually had it cut to a shoulder length bob about a year ago but it has grown since.

Gosh how horriblew yes this mother is abusive and controlling. Poor girl.

what a horrible mother.

DH's horrid step-mother did a similar thing to one of his sister. SIL was 15 at the time and sat watching tv when her step-mother walked in and cut her ponytail off.

It sounds like the mother has deeper emotional problems than just frustration with her daughters' split ends. She badly needs counselling or at least a good friend to talk to.

Wildseahorses Are you in a position to say anything? Do you know whether the girl is okay?

My aunt did this to me. My mum was a working single parent and for a while every weekend I'd go to stay at my cousins while mum was at work. I had long waist length hair and my two cousins had short dark bobs. My aunt hated my hair and always used to really tug when she brushed it and moan about how much hassle it was. So one day she was giving my cousins a trim, and said she was going to trim mine too. She cut it all off,up to my shoulders, and cut in a fringe too! My mum was livid, and I was really upset, I was only about six and loved my long hair. It was definitely jealousy, the same aunt is still a jealous cow even now!

Something really creepy and sad about the OP's story, like one of those fairytales about jealous stepmothers.

Why do mums turn hair into such a battleground, or let it become one? I remember raging battles with my own mother about wanting my very long hair cut much shorter, but she was almot obsessive in making me keep it long for years.
My own DD has had short and long pageboy/bob haircuts for years and now wants to go shorter, but I'm making her wait until her birthday. Why can't I just take her to the salon and be done with it?

It is not great, but does imo NOT qualify as abuse.Ie, nothing I´d call SS for.

HTH

Sounds like the symptom of a much bigger problem.

I'm very sorry for those of you with horrible relationships with your mothers. My DH had a very abusive mother (i.e. she should be in prison forever) but thank goodness he has turned his experience around and is an amazing person and a wonderful husband and father.