Mum not coping with my illness, what to do?

[Pennies]

I have breast cancer and last week I started chemo.

Since telling my mum she clearly hasn't really been able to accept the situation and I'd say she was almost in denial.

Since having my first chemo she hasn't been in touch at all to see how I am, and I know I could phone her but I just know it will be a difficult call to make and I don't have the energy for it TBH.

She is clinically depressed and very introspective. Phone calls are difficult at the best of times because she does nothing and has nothing to say.

I feel so hurt and angry with her. I do of course feel terribly sorry for her that her daughter is ill, but I don't have the emotional reserves to help her through it as I've got to get myself and my children through it as cheerfully as I can.

Am I being selfish? I feel so bloody guilty.

But then I spent £40 on flowers for her for Mothers Day and I know she'll ring to say thanks and I'll snap and tell her she doesn't deserve them .

So sorry you are having to go through this.

Could you speak to your mother about your feelings? That of course, she has every right to be upset but that she should maybe offload to her friends, whilst at the same time giving you the mother's support and love you need at this time?

Hope everything goes well for you

Not being selfish at all. I hope your treatment goes well.

I tried last week, but she wasn't listening. Literally I had to repeat everything 3 times and I lost my rag with her.

She has no friends. She is a loner.

It is hard to cope with the illness of someone close. But you need to put yourself first and not feel guilty. Can you put her to work? Have her do something practical to help. I'm sure she is thinking about you all the time. If she needs support she should get it elsewhere- there are support groups for families. Maybe she realises she not help at the moment and is trying not to add to your burden.

Good luck with your treatment. I hope it goes well.

Are you being selfish? Yes, probably but so you bloody well should be! You MUST out yourself first at the moment, YOU are very important to your children, they need you to get through this and you have to do whatever you have to do to get through it, if that means not having the energy to deal with your mum then so be it.

Sorry if that sounds harsh but I honestly think it is vital to your recovery that you use all your energy for doing just that. You mum has a choice, carry on as she is and you will be distant or she can step up to the mark and give you the support you need from her as a mother.

Hope your treatment goes well, take care of yourself.

She sounds like my mum. Every situation gets turned round so it's all about them and how things affect them and their reaction to things.

Hope your treatment goes well.

SHe's over 100 miles away, and not a very practical person. There really isn't anything I can think of for her to do. I've tried but nothing really comes to mind. She's a crap cook, she barely drives, there's nothing.

Hope your treatment goes well, it must be so hard to deal with it and a young family.

I was dxed with rheumatoid arthritis three years ago after the birth of my third child, and have had to listen to endless comments about how hard my mum finds it - we live a long way apart so she has never been expected to help out in any way.

Through all my various treatments and associated side effects it got to the point where I couldn't talk to her about it at all. So now, to be honest, we don't really talk. I am someone who likes to 'just get on with it' iyswim, especially for the children, but consequently have no energy or capacity left to carry a grown woman who has plenty of other people in her life she can dump her fears and frustrations about my condition on.

I realise this doesn't help you at all, in that I have no solution to it. But, other friends of mine with chronic conditions report the same about their mothers. I think they just can't bear to think of us as vulnerable so switch off. Which is incredibly hurtful.

All you can do is focus your energies on getting through the treatment. It would be better, if she simply can't cope with this, if she does keep away - mine ended up in floods of tears on me when a medication side effect made me lose half my hair. Not helpful.

Take care.

Of course you are not being selfish. You have cancer and need all your reserves for your young family. It's is ridiculous that you even have to type that you feel sorry for her that her daughter is ill - she needs to find a way to be there for you.

Good luck with the treatment.

Concentrate on getting support from your husband and children and leave her be for a bit.

You are not being selfish, not at all.

Your mum just can't - for whatever reason - handle it. I know it's crap, I know it hurts, I know she should be there for you, but she can't.

My mum was the same. I used to live abroad and hated every second of it. If I ever texted her or emailed her about how dreadful a day I was having, she literally wouldn't contact me for up to 3 weeks. I'd be there face down on the tiled floor howling my heart out, and she seemingly didn't want to help.

I had it out with her and she had told me that in the past, when I'd told her about stressful things, her hands had started to curl and go solid. So she made the decision then not to allow herself to get involved like that again...

I still feel she abandoned me, but I felt bad about the stress and her hands...

Agree with 2rebecca, get the support you can from the people who can support you.

Wishing you all the very, very best of luck with your treatment and everything else, sorry to hear you are going through all this.

Send a notecard to go with your flowers, to the effect that you know how very hard it is for any mother to hear of a child becoming seriously ill. Tell her it's part of cancer treatment, these days, to stay as positive as possible, so you'd appreciate the odd chatty phone call when she feels up to it. Ask her to pray for you or send positive thoughts, whichever works for her (and you!)

It could be worse, actually. My mother tries to dominate our illnesses by flooding us with weirdo diet advice, rip-off "health" supplements and any other feel-good crap she can find on the internet. Bless her, but Aarrgghhh!!

Sorry that you're having chemo - hope it doesn't knock you about too much. Get well!

PS: My mother (!) recommends ginger & ginseng tea for the nausea. You should use grated ginger root (and ginseng, if there's a chinese supermarket near you, but the powdered stuff is cheaper). It really is quite soothing.

Hi Pennies, I am so sorry that you are going through this. I too am having cancer treatment. My Mother has also behaved strangely. At first she was sorry for herself "MY daughter has cancer, of course I'm depressed".. Later I came to realise that she was looking to me to be strong and healthy to be able to care for her in her old age. By being ill I was the needy one, and not her. She didn't like me being the centre of attention and gettin sympathy, she wanted all that for herself. BY being sick I had shattered her plans of being cared for by me/living with me in her old age. The cancer had benefits. I now for the first time in my life have thick thick dark wavy hair. My Mother no longer looked to me for support, she eventually changed her attitude, forgave me for being unable to service her needs and became quite friendly and supportive for the first time in her life. She had always been such a selfish person. We had 4 years of being nice to each other before she died in December. I gave up work as a result of the tiredness associated with the cancer treatment, reassessed my marital relationship, and now have time for myself and my hobbies. It must be very difficult with young children. Your Mother may get over the initial shock and be able to support you too. Lots of Good luck.

Aggy, your post is both sad and uplifting! I'm so pleased you had good years with your Mum before she died, and that you're re-prioritising your life. I hope you continue to gain strength & health