Alcoholic sister living with recently bereaved mum - what to do?

[tittybangbang]

Title tells a lot of the story. Some back fill - sister is 46, has been a functioning alcoholic for at least the past 5 years, though we've only addressed the issue with her in the past year. She moved in with my parents last year - it was supposed to be a temporary arrangement, to help her get back on her feet after a messy relationship break-up, but also to help my mum who was having her knee done.

Anyway, after my sister moved in dad took sick, and died a fortnight ago. The funeral was yesterday.

My mum is so, so sad - her and my dad had a blissful 50 year marriage, and she's missing him so badly. Early days I know - I'm sure she'll have a good life again one day, but right now she's really suffering.

My sister has been very good and kind to my mum, but we are all depressed about her alcoholism. She drinks in secret, then falls asleep snoring at 9pm on the sofa, while my mum sits crying in her chair. She's also annoyingly maudlin and insensitive when she's been drinking, which my mum finds hard to bear, as I do.

My mum said to me today - 'I don't want to end my days living with and looking after an alcoholic'. I don't want her to either. I want her to have a good life - as good as it can possibly be without her beloved husband anyway. She has so many friends and is much loved by all of us; at 76 she also is in reasonable good health and is very active. I cringe at the thought of her being dragged down by my sister, especially if my sister's liver packs up or she ends up having a heart attack and needing looking after.

I'd appreciate any of your thoughts on how we can cope with this situation. My brother and I talk a lot but we are not sure how to talk to our sister about the way her drinking is affecting the rest of the family. In the past we've avoided raising this issue, as her self-esteem is so low, and she can become very self-destructive and angry if she thinks you are trying to make her feel guilty. I've always encouraged her to try to stop drinking so she can have a better life for herself, and made light of the sadness and worry she's caused the rest of us. Is this wise? My brother has done the same. Problem is now I feel a strong sense of responsibility to protect my mum - whatever it takes. My sister adores my mother, but it doesn't seem to stop her drinking.

I don't have any experience of this situation, just bumping the thread for you as it looked as if it was getting lost below more active threads. I can only say the current thinking is that keeping alcoholics from the consequences of their drinking is prolonging the problem, so maybe you should think about confronting your sister even if she does go into a major strop about it (and she's already self-destructive if you think about it, she's just taking the slow route to it most of the time). If she's genuinely alcoholic rather than just a habitual drinker, mere encouragement will never get through to her. It's got to be drastic. As you say when she has not drunk too much she is good to her mother, there is a decent person in there, overlaid by the drink, so just maybe she will get the strength together for her mum's sake that she couldn't get for her own. But she won't unless she has to fully confront what her drinking is doing to everybody, and tiptoeing round her, though kindly meant, is helping her not do that.

As I say, this isn't my specialism, just hoping to kick something off for you, but I don't think what I've said is too far off the mark and hope it helps.

I feel for you all, you, your mum and your sister. My brother, aged 50, has lived on and off with my parents for the past 20 years. Like your sister, he always ran back home when his life got a bit hard. He has low self-esteem and drank because of it until quite recently.

His alcoholism got him into all sorts of trouble and he finally decided to do something about it just over a year ago. His girlfiend left him and I think he realised that his drinking was destroying everything. He goes to AA religiously, has given up a job that was making him stressed and focussed on getting himself straight. Which to date, he has. He was bringing my parents down too, especially my mum, and it used to make me and my other brother very angry.

If your sister wasn't involving anyone else in her drinking, I'd suggest leaving her alone but as you say, she's a burden on your mother and will become even more so if she doesn't stop. You will have to find a way of talking to your sister (and ONLY when she's stone-cold sober) and focussing on your concerns about your mother. And what Annie says about alcoholism is spot-on.

"her self-esteem is so low" - of course it is - she's a piss artist!

"she can become very self-destructive and angry if she thinks you are trying to make her feel guilty" - of course she can - she's a piss artist! We are very manipulative people, especially when we look like being "outed".

"I've always encouraged her to try to stop drinking so she can have a better life for herself" - yes, this is wise, but won't work. She's a piss artist.

"and made light of the sadness and worry she's caused the rest of us" - no - make a very big deal of it. Because it is a big deal, and she needs that pointing out to her.

I say all this as a recovering alcoholic. All the time you and your mum provide a safe, warm environment for her to get shit-faced, that's exactly what she will do, until it kills her or sends her mad. Do her and yourselves a favour and start telling her the truth.

Just my opinion, obviously.