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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Your Mother and MIL - how is/was their relationship?

32 replies

LouMacca · 09/03/2010 13:45

My relationship with my Mother is very hot and cold. I have a great relationship with my MIL which I know my own Mother resents. Its such a shame that I don't have a great relationship with my Mother but I feel she has dragged issues with her own mother into our relationship and I now see it as an missed opportunity to break the cycle of bad mother/daughter relationships in our family now and in the past.

My Mother will snipe at or about my MIL at every opportunity. They rarely see each other but when they do my Mother is very dismissive of her. My MIL has lost a lot of weight over the last 12 months after joining Weight Watchers and looks fantastic. When they were both round at our house a couple of weeks ago my Mother made no comment about the weight loss, when my MIL left I commented how fab she looked and my Mother said she couldn't see any difference! Is is blindingly obvious that she has lost weight but a compliment would stick in my Mothers throat (on my wedding day she told me I looked too skinny/bony in my dress, she couldn't even muster a nice thing to say).

My Inlaws take a huge interest in our children and regularly take them out but my Mother says 'they need to get out more and get a life'. My own parents hardly see our children and then wonder why they don't interact with them when they rarely visit.

Anyway, I could go on and on (more than I already have done!). I am just interested to know other MNetters situations.

OP posts:
potplant · 09/03/2010 13:49

Mine see each other a couple of times a year, birthdays etc and get on fine. They swap Christmas cards. I wouldn't exactly call them friends though.

Sounds like your mum doesn't have a good word to say about anyone.

Flyonthewindscreen · 09/03/2010 14:26

I live near my ILs but a 2 hour drive away from my DF and SM and they meet maybe once a year if I organise some kind of family bash for my DC or something like that. They get on fine and exchange xmas cards etc but don't really have much to do with each other. My SM is convinced that me, DH and the kids must spend all our time hanging out with the ILs for some reason (we get on well with them but don't live in each others pockets) and often questions me about how often we see them in an annoying fashion... This isn't because she and my DF are jealous of my DC seeing more of my ILs as my SM has her own DC and GDC and her and my DF's life revolves around them to the point that my DC play a very minor role to them.

But there is no reason why the two sets of ILs have to have anything much to do with each other unless they choose to. In your case why don't you simply try not to mention your ILs to your DM if her nasty comments about them annoy you? But tbh her umpleasantness about your MIL sounds like part of a wider pattern of criticism.

FiveGoMadInDorset · 09/03/2010 14:27

Strained

piprabbit · 09/03/2010 14:28

Polite, but not effusive.

ASecretLemonadeDrinker · 09/03/2010 14:28

Never met [shrug]

gramercy · 09/03/2010 14:32

Mil is very rude to all her dil's families. She puts on her grande dame act and tries to make her rivals feel 2 inches tall. Pathetic.

Maveta · 09/03/2010 14:41

Non-existant. They speak different languages so communication (through me or dh) is polite and perfunctory. They have met about 4 times, maybe, at a push. It doesn't bother me or dh in the slightest as they have no real need to interact (my parents live in the uk and we don't). It's not a BAD or sour relationship, it's just nothing.

petunia · 09/03/2010 16:38

Non-existant. Apart from not really have anything in common, my parents don't exactly want to be friends with people who have almost succeeded in finishing my marriage with their verbal abuse and bullying, just because I married their Son (something I hid from my parents for 12 years; only started telling them what's been going on 3 years ago.)
They exchange Christmas cards and that's it.

meatntattypie · 09/03/2010 16:43

they get along ok which is a miracle because my mother is a difficult, argumentative and nasty person who hates every one and everything in the world.
I think its because the mil is quite a cheerful and friendly woman.
they dont meet often though

CMOTdibbler · 09/03/2010 16:44

Mine have met a handful of times in the 15 years DH and I have been together (4 times I think), and exchange christmas cards. I see no reason why they should be any closer tbh

ProfYaffle · 09/03/2010 16:44

My parents try very hard with my in laws. Unfortunately, pil loathe my parents and can barely manage to be polite.

mumblechum · 09/03/2010 16:44

They've met once in 20 years.

Not the closest of families, ours!

indie37 · 09/03/2010 16:47

They're polite but not friends, although thinking about it have only met about 3 times. I think my mother was a bit put out last time that my MIL got the sofa bed and she had to go in a hotel and then my MIL spent the whole time moaning about everything. My mother would have been much easier as a guest.

ilovepiccolina · 09/03/2010 16:48

Mine don't meet often (isn't i8t weird how common this seems to be?). MIL never refers to/asks about my mum, but then she's not that interested in anyone tbh. Mum is a bit sniffy about MIL, as she is about lots of people!

How we are all normal (ie, the ones with the weird mothers) I will never know!

Rubyrubyruby · 09/03/2010 16:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ilovepiccolina · 09/03/2010 16:53

My first marriage, I was 18. We found a flat, and before the wedding PIL were there, waiting for my parents to turn up. MIL saw them coming down the road and said to FIL: "Hmm, they're very ordinary ."

Her common as muck in her fur coat and weighed down with gold necklaces!

KatieScarlett2833 · 09/03/2010 16:54

Best of friends, weekly shopping trips, holiday together, fathers play golf weekly, etc.

wingandprayer · 09/03/2010 16:54

Weeeeeeeeeeeell...

DM and SD get on well with eveyone except FIL & SMIL

FIL & SMIL dislike my Dad and ignore DM and SD

DF and SM get on well with everyone but are not here often enough to any sort of contact with them except christenings/weddings funerals

MIL gets on with everyone but is far too preoccupied with the grandchildren to give a toss what anyone else does/thinks/says

Oh yes, family is complicated

ilovepiccolina · 09/03/2010 16:55

When she invited my parents to theirs for a drink, Dad excused himself saying he couldn't, he wanted to get home to watch the Antiques Roadshow! That's how much he didn't wanted to get to know them!

MaMight · 09/03/2010 16:56

In 13 years mine have met once for about 20 minutes.

OtterInaSkoda · 09/03/2010 16:58

Mine didn't see each other more than half a dozen or so times a year, but they were very fond of each other.

mablemurple · 09/03/2010 17:12

My mother's mil turned up to her wedding wearing black, which was very significant in 1957. She also once wrote the word 'slut' in the dust on some furniture that hadn't been cleaned to her exacting standards. Despite that, they actually had a reasonable relationship .

OneTwoBuckleMyShoe · 09/03/2010 19:28

They get on very well but don't see each other as often as they'd like. A common love of gardening helps!

notquitenormal · 09/03/2010 20:25

I think they've met twice in almost 15 years. I don't think they even know each others name.

To be fair, DPs Mum is old enough to be my Mum's Mum and they really don't have anything in common at all.

MrsFlittersnoop · 09/03/2010 20:38

They've only ever met twice - the first time we turned up mob-handed at the IL's with with no notice at Aged Mama's insistence - she was paying for 35 of DH's rellies to attend our reception and was APPALLED at the IL's lack of courtesy in refusing to meet before the wedding.

The second time was at the registry office!

DS and I haven't been allowed to set foot over the IL's threshold since DH and I got married 7 years ago. And they refuse point-blank to visit us either.

Meh!