What Happens Now ?

[Tillyboo]

My friend has been having marital problems for the whole of the 6 years I have known her.

Although she and her husband have no marriage as such i.e. there is no support, love, sex or indeed happiness between them, they stay together for the sake of their 6yo son. Plus they run a business together.

I am constantly on the end of my friends upset, anger and fear (sometimes) but I don't know how to help her.
They have tried relate in the past but that didn't work. I suppose you could say that her husband is a mental bully telling her no-one likes her, she's mad, she's a nag etc. She has lost all self worth and esteem and I often get asked "What have I done to deserve this life?"
The just don't like each other anymore after 16 years together.

She's terrified she'll lose her son to her husband if she goes to the docs to get anti-depressants. Although she's a very dear friend she frustrates the hell out of me because she'll ask for advice but won't listen.

I am at a loss as to what to say to her anymore but I want to help her.

She's asked her dh to leave the home, she wants a separation etc. but he refuses to leave. What does she do ? Can she make him leave. He asked for a divorce a couple of weeks ago but has said nothing since. Neither can be happy but sorting out a house and business and benefits and monies is too much to deal with.

Are there any organisations or bodies that can advise her/ offer her help.

Thanks !

Well, she could go to CAB, and they will point her in the right direction but if she isn't willing to take a step in that direction - I dont know.

I think her first problem is her self esteem and confidence. Maybe get her to go to counselling on her own. Maybe a good counsellor will convince her that she isn't to blame and she could cope on her own.

Do you think she would do that?

Being on anti-depressants does NOT impact on how you are seen as a mother, really it doesn't. Whatever her H may try to tell her, there is NO WAY social services would hold that against her. It is the responsible thing to do to get help if you need it. It doesn't label you "mad" or "pathetic".

That said, ADs are no more than sticking plasters for the soul. She really needs to address the underlying problem which is causing the depression. Basically, getting him out of her life, or failing which, major support for her self-esteem.

Please do not underestimate how hard it is to leave an abusive marriage. Harder than to leave a reasonable one, in fact, because the abusive partner is so good at mind games (that's how she got in that position in the first place). Frustrating though it may be when your friend doesn't take your advice, you are still doing a useful thing for her by providing a listening ear and maybe, just maybe, one day she'll be more receptive. Then you can step in and support her practically as you are clearly longing to do.