End it or persevere a bit longer?

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Things haven't been great for a long time, probably for quite a while pre-DC but you know how it is, you have plans and if you just get through the next thing it will all be ok. Well, what if that next thing comes and goes and still things aren't remotely near right?

Neither of us is happy, it's probably no-one's fault, just life and how things have drifted, but if we just can't be happy together maybe we should separate. It makes me feel so sad typing this but I'm at a loss.

How do you end it when there is no specific event just a gradual decline? I just don't think we've got it in us to reverse the decline. We are polls apart emotionally and practically.

12 years, DCs definitely planned and wanted. Think it's just been harder than we expected. I know I'm being a bit cagey, I might ask DP to read this later and I want to be fair. I'm mostly typing to try and make sense of it and to see a way forward for right now because I nearly walked out (again) today.

I'm looking for any emotional engagement and affection, unconditional preferably, but that's probably not fair.

me too.

Perhaps you are expecting too much though? Perhaps his way of offering emotional engagement and affection differs from your expecatations of how it should be shown and offered?

To ask for anything unconditionally is unfair and unrealistic to be honest, no one can ever bahve unconditionally to anyone else, apart from parents to their babies.

You need to remember you are both together conditionally, out of choice, and neither of you actually has to be there.

Give some examples of how you would like him to show you emotinoal engagement and affection.

Good point about unconditional being too much. I want a kiss goodnight, an hello in the morning, an apology without a but when he's at fault, which I did just get for what happened earlier, and not to be blamed when things go wrong just because I'm the one having to relate that something has gone wrong, again, that point was just accepted, at last.

I think a lot of it comes down to his feelings of insecurity and I have finally realised that I just can't help with that. Everything seems like a threat and is treated as such. That's where some of the controlling behaviour around the house comes in. Me finally saying I've had enough and threatening to leave has caused some movement but I'm worried this will be temporary.

He does know these things about himself but seems unwilling or unable to change them. It was all fine in the early days before we had DCs but I don't want them to think that this closing down and one person always being the one to back down and say sorry is the way to have a relationship.

He knows all this and will admit it or volunteer it when pushed. Sometimes I think it's too much to expect to change at this stage of life, other times I just think make an effort, think of the DC, but the same could be said about my approach to the house and some aspects of parenting (I leave them too it a bit, he interferes more, sometimes rightly so).

Obviously I think the emotional is more important or at least as important as the practical and he sees it the other way around.

We both agree the counsellor isn't great but his reaction is to say let's not go, mine is to persevere or find a new one. Or just stick to the practical solutions we agree then we don't bloody well have to go. That really annoys me, we'll make a plan or commitment and I'll stick to my part pretty much 100%, he'll try, forget, or withhold to get at me about something I don't even know he's bothered about, maybe try a bit more then not bother. This infuriates me and I think that is fair enough.

I don't feel he's my friend, let alone my supporter in anything, but we can and do make a good team/ partnership when we try. I know the DC have taken a lot of the resources of the relationship, I'm just worried about whether there's anything left underneath all that.

We are going around in circles. This feels completely pointless but ending it is heartbreaking for the DC, it's just awful but I can't sit around crying for much longer either.

He admits he's controlling and not affectionate and can't/won't change. He thinks the age gap might be a factor too (he's eleven years older). I've lost the will to go on too. I can't be the person he wants either, not that I'm entirely sure what that is, other than doing more around the house practically. I do the basics/bare minimum or when things need doing rather than to a schedule and that will never change either.

He thinks we're just too different, I want to talk, he doesn't, extrovert/introvert, postive/negative etc but doesn't really want it to end. Neither do I but this is a huge rut and I have to put all the effort into organising stuff to try and make improvements. That doesn't seem to count against the stuff he has to do.

The practicalities are a nightmare. For now I've just said to stop asking me to do anything because I can't make an effort any more without getting something in return. He probably feels the same. What a mess.