Sick and tired of my Mum

[pollyblue]

I know that's a horrible thing to say about your mother, but it just about sums up what I feel at the moment.

She's just announced she's getting married in the summer to someone she's known 2 months. This will be the third time she's married someone pretty quickly - my first stepfather she knew about 9 months, I was 10 when they married and lived with them until 16, he was abusive and generally pretty vile and life was pretty miserable. The second time she knew the chap about 6 months, he was a gambler and a drinker (she knew about this beforehand but thought she could change him). When they divorced 3 years later she was fending off loan companies and debt collectors left right and centre and was lucky not to lose her home.

I'm anxious and upset that she's marrying again so quickly - I hoped she would marry again one day as I know she doesn't really like being on her own - but she knows nothing about this man. He's a born-again Christian and because of his faith, won't live with someone - hence the quick marriage. She's told me (and my aunt) that unless we can congratulate her and accept it, she won't discuss it. She can be quite high drama and I know that if I say what i really think - something like "are you nuts?!" - she'll just hang up on me.

When my children were born I made a promise to myself that I'd protect them as best I could and try and give them a more secure childhood than I had. My Mum is all full of "won't it be lovely, they'll have a new grandad" and yes, maybe it will be lovely and he'll turn out to be a very nice man but who knows? I feel like I've got no control over his being bought into their lives. I'm probably being over cautious because my stepfather was such a vile piece of work.

We've has other difficulties in the past couple of years (her telling me she thought DH was a crap Dad a couple of days after I'd given birth was probably a high point) and I'm getting fed up of the drama. I really feel like I want to just distance myself from her, for my own sanity really. Would that be a terrible thing to do? I have three children under three and I'm just so tired most of the time, if this marriage doesn't work out I don't think I've got the energy to support her.

I would also be distancing myself from this woman in your circumstances. Its not your job actually to support her. Concentrate instead on your own family unit and leave her to a third possible divorce.

It sounds too like she's always put men (no matter how unsuitable they've turned out to be) before her children as well. Your Mother has chosen badly before now and this time may well be no different. I would still keep your distance both emotionally and physically from her. If you do not already have it, get caller id for your phone and screen your calls.

You may want to read "Toxic Parents" written by Susan Forward.

My Mother loves her drama as well so I know where you are coming from. I am lucky enough to have an occean between us.

My tactic has always been to not let her drama affect my family. Maybe you should tell your mom that you would like a bit of time to get to know her new husband before he is introduced to your family

My Mum likes drama too.... When she talks to me about my siblings, she always puts on this stupid voice. She won't ring anybody, but waits for them to ring her. She always has a nice way of putting me down.

I've distanced myself emotionally from her and I think one day, I'll have to do it physically......

Paula, unfortunately he met us all early last month, when Mum came for a flying visit and asked if she could bring a "friend", as she put it in her email. I said fine because I really thought that even if he was a new partner, it would be a good few months before it became anything more serious and by the time it was more serious, we'd all know him fairly well.

Attila, that's an interesting way of putting it, I think I have felt it was my job to support her, because until about three years ago, we were pretty close. I'm an only child and there's always been a feeling of "if I don't, who will?"

That doesn't mean you have to become involved with him.

Will she want you at the wedding?

Yes, we've been invited to the wedding. She did ask if dd1 would be a flower girl. I said no, but mainly because dd1 isn't very likely to co-operate!

Maybe you should also tell her that if it does go horribly wrong that you won't have the sort of time you had before to help her pick up the pieces.