How do I re establish a bond with my daughter?

[Helptobond]

Sorry this is a bit long, but I thought a bit of background may help.

When dd1 was born six years ago I found it really difficult to translate my bond with "bump" into a bond with baby. It took me around a month to really bond with my dd. I had pretty prolonged baby blues and didn't leave the house for about 3 months after the birth. I has no friends with babies and after a bad first experience with a mother and toddler group, I rarely went out.

I spent a large proportion of my time on line talking with "virtual" mum friends (mainly on mn). I built up a bit of courage and organised a meet up. I met a fab mum who I have remained friends with since and my life started to brighten up a bit.

When dd1 was 2 I fell pregnant with dd2. My husband and I had been going through a bit of a rocky patch but we were excited about our new addition as was dd1.

When dd2 arrived she had a shock of dark hair and looked totally unlike either my husband or myself in appearance (we are both very fair). It came as a big surprise to us both especially my dh who was expecting another fair baby, who looked strongly like him (as dd1 did). This time I had no problem bonding with my newborn and dispite a difficult birth I was smitten from the second I saw her.

My dh felt differently and this time he was the one who found it hard to bond. He asked me if a DNA test would be appropriate as she looked so unlike him. This caused me huge upset (I have never forgiven him) and also made me fiercly protective of dd2 (the not quite so perfect baby in dhs's eyes).

So dh lavished dd1 with attention and practically ignored dd2 emotionally. He helped out and changed her etc, but there was no love there. So I guess the balance began to tip. When dh lavished dd1 with attention, I started to overcompensate for dd2 and as a result dd1 missed out on attention from me.

I've never quite been able to redress the balance and feel I've lost the bond with dd1, who I do love endlessly by the way. Dh has a fantastic bond with both dds now (many of dhs family features have now started to show in dd2) but I just haven't been able to build mine back up with dd1. I love her so much and I really miss the closeness we used to have. I have a strong bond with dd2 and I feel awful that I don't have an equal bonding with both dds.

I try and spend one on one time with her as much as possible and do activities she likes, just the two of us.

Does anyone have any advice or suggestions - any would be greatly appreciated.

I think you sound like you're doing exactly the right thing. She is only 6 and you have plenty of time to deepen the bond if you keep spending time together.

It sounds like you've all had a tough time. Have you ever thought about having a couple of counselling sessions, just to put all this straight in your mind?

The first thing I would say is maybe its worth talking to your husband. Talk this through and through and get closure. You sound bitter ( and you should feel that way) considering his mistrust.
The rest will follow. You are already bonding, you need to uproot the guilt now.

Thanks Chippy, I really do hope so. It seems to be a slow process though.

I have had councelling but only touched on this subject. Maybe few sessions dedicated to just this may be in order.

I am bitter, Slim. My dh and I are going though a rough time of it at the moment and are looking for an appropriate relationships councellor. No doubt it will all come gushing out then.

I probably should have mentioned that my dh is an alcoholic and dd1 is obv more aware of the family problems caused by this than dd2. I almost feel like she's retreating into herself a bit, which makes the bonding process even more difficult.

Well sounds like you already have it all figured out.
But please don't stop halfway. Those things need to be said. Don't let it fester.
The girls should not be a channel for your emotional upheavals as a couple. Very unhealthy even if you both express it as an outpouring of affection towards them iykwim?

Oh THAT makes things more complicated.
So does he "buy back" their love to make up for his "weakness"

Yeah, I think maybe he does. I'm always the one to discipline the girls. He give them anything they ask for while I'm standing by saying "hmm I'm not sure a second icecream is really necessary" etc etc. This seems to re enforce the good dad/ bad mum feelings I think dd1 has. I'm also quite stressed because of always having to pick up his slack (ie going awol for a week on a binge) and find it hard to be upbeat or even normal.

Thanks Rasputin, it's a comfort to know that others have had similar experiences.

And I think you're right, by the way. Tough as it is to admit, I think you're right.

sorry but i think the main problem here is your dh's drinking & until he is willing to get help with that i cant see things improving ,
it sounds like your DH also has trust issues (asking for a DNA test ), you sound like you are doing your best to rebuild your relationship with both your dd's .

He has stopped now Elmofan. He's having councelling and is sobre - has been for 2 months. Not long enough to be comfortable though.

Trust issues has always been a major feature. He is paranoid about certain people. He gets fixated that there is something going on with them and the slightest interaction with that person serves as justification of his accusations. I'm not a jealous person myself so it's frustrating to say the least.

It's not nearly such a problem when he's not drinking.

didn't mean my last post to sound so harsh sorry , yes 2 months is just the beginning of a long road i suspect , but its a good start , my DH comes from a family of very heavy drinkers & i know only too well unfortunately how hard that is & to feel as though you are walking on egg shells all of the time . i really hope things improve for you x

I didn't take it to be harsh, Elmofan. Thank you for your kind words

You sound incredibly resilient.
He should realise how lucky he is that you held things together so far.
All the best