Please help - would like to hear experiences of divorce when kids are young (4 & 2)

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Hi everyone,

I would be really grateful for some thoughts about my situation.

Me and DH have been married 8 years and have 2 DCs (they are 4 and 2). For the past few years, DH has upped his working hours to the point where now, he is absent from the home for 7 days a week, usually returning when everyone is asleep and leaving when everyone is asleep. Yesterday, he said that he doesn't love me anymore and that he hasn't loved me for 2 years. I wasn't surprised by this and it hasn't really "hurt" that much because I have been hurt by his behaviour so much in the past that I am immune to it. (This includes always putting work first, even when I've been in hospital utterly terrified and just total and utter neglect of me and the kids in general - he's never changed a nappy or got up to either child in the night etc the list is endless!).

Anyway, I am a SAHM for the moment (because the kids are so small and the eldest has an ASD and needs me) and he works long hours and is well paid. He's said that he doesn't want to be with me, but wants to continue living in this house with me (!). I find that unacceptable - I asked him if he wanted to try and love me again and he said no - I therefore feel that he should move out and that we should get divorced.

My own parents are divorced and I feel that it is desperately sad for my DCs. (My DCs actually wouldn't be sad initially because they see him about 5 mins per week so it wouldn't really mean anything to them). My 2yo also cringes when my DH goes to pick her up because she really doesn't know him much better than a stranger. She always wails "want mummy". I just feel it would be very sad for them in the long run and I feel that me and DH have failed them terribly getting divorced at this early stage in their lives.

Has anyone got any advice?

Other points:
There is no abuse going on
He denies that he has an OW, although I am not sure whether I believe him because when I asked him what I had done to make him not love me, he said that I hadn't done anything and that there was nothing wrong with my behaviour.

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On the bright side, being separated could actually improve your H's relationship with the dcs, as he'll have a fixed appointment to see them (if this is the arrangement you make).

My parents divorced. They never argued or anything, just grew apart. It was after they split that my mother stated blossoming- It was a wonderful thing for a child to see, really. I was closer to them both post-split. It was a positive thing.

The friends I have who have no reacted well to parents' seperation in the long term are the ones whose parents slagged each other off in front of the kids. Even in a roundabout way. Talk to Xh and agree not to do this, it really isn't good.

Good luck to you in this new chapter of your life

I am in a similar situation.

My H and I seperated in Jan this year, intially as a trial seperation, but I have since found out things that means it will be for good. My H also said to me things like "I don't love you" "I don't like you", it is soo hurtful when the person who should love you most says things like that to you, and it crushes your self esteem.

I (Like you) have divorced parents, who split up when I was exactly the same age as my DS (6 1/2). So I also think that I have failed him, and that I can't protect him from this hurt.

I must admit though since my H has gone, I feel so much more relaxed and calm, and I find that I am finding the old "Me" again. Like last Friday my DS and I put some music on and danced and danced around the house, this is something I would have never done 3 months ago.

What I am finding so difficult is other people's reactions to me, they don't know what to do or say, and I fidning myself avoiding them (Which I know is wrong).

My H and I are trying to be really flexible and relaxed with regard to our DS, who we both adore. My DS is now getting quality time with his Dad, as he used to just ignore DS and watch TV, now he takes him out, plays games with him, and DS is loving it.

I'm not saying it's all plain sailing, as DS is now asking why did Daddy have to leave, as we didn't argue in front of DS, and will we ever go on holiday again as a family etc etc, which I find so so hard to answer, but I am determined that DS will be effected as little as possible, so I am really careful not to say anything awful about H in front of DS or question DS on what he does or who he see's when he is with Daddy.

I think your H needs to leave, as I lived with my H for about 2 months after we discussed seperating, and it was a really difficult time. Then you can start to put joy back into your life, which will benefit both you and your DC.

You will be fine, you sound very similar to me, you know that the relationship is over, but you don't know how to get it all resolved.

I have decided that it's a long road ahead, but I'm taking one day at a time, and can honeslty say I am much much happier.

Take good care, and keep posting.

"I have been hurt by his behaviour so much in the past"

"always putting work first, even when I've been in hospital utterly terrified and just total and utter neglect of me and the kids in general"

but "there is no abuse going on"

abuse can take many forms...

i think total neglect of you and children is a form of abuse.

wanting to remain in the house with you but not be with you is very controlling... unless is super fantastic very large house and you can have separate wings and live separate lives...

but hey, he wants out - and you better off without him. and as was said - maybe having fixed times to see dcs might make him focus on them during those times.

Thanks for responses everyone.

Re the house, it's not big enough for us to have a wing each but since he leaves at 6.30am and returns around 10pm, me and the DCs don't usually see him. It is often the same at weekends, although sometimes he won't go to work til 9am at weekends so we will see him for a bit.

Does anyone know if his contact with the DCs can be supervised? I have doubts about his ability to keep them safe as he has not ever looked after them both (apart from the odd half hour every 3 months or so). On these occasions, he has only ever had them in the house (which I have babyproofed). He has never driven them anywhere (I had to teach him to drive shortly before DC1 was born and he didn't keep it up after his test and was afraid to drive our car) and he once threw a bucket of cold water over DS in the garden when he was 14m because he didn't realise that a toddler couldn't take that kind of temperature shock - he treated him like a teenager . He really doesn't have any idea and is the most inexperienced parent I know due to the fact that he is never ever here. As I said earlier, never changed a nappy (DD still in nappies day and night). How could I make sure they are safe with him?

my sons are 2.2 & 4.4 & i have been separated from DH since November 2008. The separation was my decision & me & the boys have remained in the house while DH has a flat just round the corner. He has the boys 2 nights a week & half of the weekend & it seems to work reasonably well for us. Things haven't been easy all the time, we will be looking to divorce in November which i know is going to throw up all kinds of issues but on the whole it has been reasonably painless. I did feel a failure for not managing to stay with my DH and splitting up before my youngest was even 1 year old but i know it was for the best. Far better to do it while they are young than let the kids see parents fighting and shouting all the time. I didn't want my kids to grow up in that environment with no idea of what love should be like between 2 adults so i know it was the right thing to do for them as well as for me.
Hope this helps

Of course he wants to stay in the house yellowcircle, he is getting meals cooked, washing and ironing done (unless he does that already). He really wants a housekeeper/nanny.

Cheeky bast*rd

See a solicitor (or at least CAB) and get some advice then you start the divorce - whoever starts it, has more control.

It sounds like the dc are the least of your problems as they wont notice he has gone.

You need the chance to start a fresh life for yourself and start blossoming

you cannot get supervised contact unless serious issues eg serious mental health, domestic vioence etc.

hard to believe your oldest is 4 and this man who is their father has never been left alone with them.... sad for him and them...maybe by throwing him in deep end he will learn to cope?

or, if he wont be bothered to then so be it

did he want to have children?

or like the car and driving -- just too scary?