I need help to leave please.

[veryunhappy]

I want to leave my husband but I just don't know how to go about it.

He has always been quite verbally and emotionally abusive and is a passive/aggressive, but I stand up for myself so it's not as bad as it might be!
We haven't spoken for 5 weeks now and the situation is becoming so unbearable that I have to go.

The last time we had the argument which led to us not speaking was over going to our friends ds birthday party which was on a sunday.
She asked us on the Thursday and I was planning to go out on the saturday and get the present etc but the weather was really bad here where I live on that day so I couldn't go out anywhere, as he was working and I had all 3 dc's.
So I thought we'd just leave a bit earlier on the party day grab a present and then go on from there.

Everyone was getting ready, and I said to him to start getting ready as we had to leave in less than an hour, but he knew what time we were leaving anyway.
So he got ready, we were all ready to go out and he said he's just going out to put petrol into the work vehicle as he would be having a drink at the party and couldn't do it later.
I was annoyed because he sat around all day on the sofa and then decided to get the petrol just as we were leaving.

But anyway, he got petrol I was waiting with coat on he came back and we went to the shop, I ran in got the present and then had to try and wrap it in the car.
I had wanted to pop into the house and wrap the present (we pass our road on way to friends) but there was no time, so I got stressed out because I could wrap the present properly.
He grabbed the present and wrapped it and started really shouting at me (3 kids in the back) about how it was my fault I should have got the present earlier etc etc, he threw the present at me and we drove off with him shouting all sorts at me. I do give as good as I get though.

So that was the last time we spoke.
I'm enjoying the peace tbh as even when we are 'getting on' he's not that nice to speak to.
But he's so angry now, he's calling me every name under the sun.

Earlier, he went out to wash the car and started to go mad because there were a few scratches on it (you couldn't even see them really) and started effing and blinding at me in the front drive and my neighbours had their windows open so I'm sure they heard.

There's so much more but I've gone on for too long now!
I really want to leave, but I have no money (SAHM) and just don't know where to go or what to do.

I'm worried for the kids too, even though it must be awful for them to live in this atmosphere how can I take them away from their home and maybe into something not very nice. (I know that makes me sound like a snob, but I'm not it's just the thought of uprooting them and having to live somewhere with no furniture, which would be fine with me but it's hard when you have kids.

Anyway, I hope someone can give me some advice.

Hi, IT depends on who is entitled to be in house. ie is tenancy/mortgage in both your names? if you he is abusing you then womens aid will help you find a refuge, but it will usually be out of the area. they will then help you from there to organise your finances and a permanent place to live.
when I lived in a homeless hostel I thought it would be horrendous, the rooms were and so was the general place, but the people i met were great and me and the kids ended up having the best year of our lives. even they say they miss it there, and I like you would never have dreamed of going to a place like that. have you tried asking him to leave?

He probably only remembered about the petrol as you were going out and therefore he had driving on his mind.

It probably is best if you split if you both dislike each other so much.

One of you needs to go to friends or family and then see a solicitor.

Thanks rosyred, the house is only in his name but I know (well, I think) that because of the children I could be entitled to live there, but he will not leave.
I have asked. He is apparently never going to leave his house, as it's his not mine.

Tbh I'm not in fear for my life as he doesn't hit me, but I think he doesn't hit me because he knows I'll call the police then they;ll remove him from the house and like he says, he'll just be playing into my hands when all I want is a proper family life with someone who is kind and nice to me and doesn't play games, or call me names.

I don't have any family here as we moved far away from them, but his family are here but I wouldn't go to them anyway and he is not about to sleep on someones floor when he has a perfectly good house of his own that he worked so hard to buy (his words)

He sounds lovely.

His house so he can pay to run it an do all the jobs around it.

You will have to move.

www.entitledto.com
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shelter
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solicitor

look at your finances, know where you are at - what is in your name what is in his.

i you have some small debt in your name - be nic to him for a while then convince him to transfer it into his name.

knowledge is power.
know your finances
know the legalities of your situation.

only from there can you make a true infomred decision.

oh and get access to ank accounts - open one in yourname if you dont have one already and start saving money. this can be something you do whilst your planning and getting facts.

an extra twnty quid here and there for extra shopping that you don't actually get, or money for a school trip that doesn't actually happen etc

you can go into private rented. just ask the councils housing department for advice on housing benefit and they might even have a deposit loan scheme

Thanks everyone, I think I will call the council tomorrow and see if they can help because I can't afford the deposit and one month in advance so hopefully they do have a loan scheme.

I do know where all the finances are, but there's not much left after evertthing is paid for, and it will take 10 years to save that kind of money, but I will start putting some by.

The thing is, I think he's only being like this because I'm not 'being nice' to him iyswim.
If I'm nice to him then everything is fine, if I say anything about him that is even vaguely critical then he doesn't like it, well who does I suppose!

But I don't want to live like this anymore, it's been going on for so many years and nothing ever gets talked about or it changes for a short while but he can't keep it up because it's not in his nature to be like that.

I'm not the easiest person to live with either, and maybe it's me that has kicked all this of, I don't know anymore but the way he reacts to everything just gets me down.

I can't be in a bad mood or have feelings or be annoyed because then it's not about him, and he can't deal with it.
Or at least that's what it feels like to me.

Just a quick point here. You refer to him as your husband; if you are indeed married it is not "his" house, regardless of whose name is on the deeds. All assets are jointly owned. Even if you are not, but the children are his as well as yours, you will have certain rights. Have a word with Citizens Advice to find out where you stand, or a solicitor if you can afford one, and google divorce on the net as there is lots of helpful advice available. You will need a lot of information before doing anything drastic.

You can register an interest in the property even if the mortgage or the deeds are not in your name. Have you been paying into the mortgage while you have been married? If so, you are definitely entitled to a share of the equity as a divorce settlement.

Did he own it before you moved in with him?

You might be able to get Legal Aid to find out if you are entitled to a fair settlement. I don't agree with the "grab everything you can and screw him" mentality, but a fair share is not unreasonable, especially if you have paid into it and helped to run it.

Hi, I think I would be allowed to stay in the house because of the children but I can't get him to leave!
And as far as I can see, I would have to get an occupation order to get him to leave but I would need to show abuse, and it's only verbal not physical and there is no proof.

I haven't paid anything into the house because I've been at home looking after the children since they were born, we bought the house after dc1 came along befor ethat we rented.

Looks like I might be stuck here for a while trying to save the money to get away.

Thanks for your replies.

Well, if you bought it together as a married couple then you definitely have an interest in the house, even if you didn't pay any cash into it - you contributed to the household in other ways. Family law is a complicated thing, but it doesn't necessarily matter if you are not on the deeds.

Personally I wouldn't want to stay there anyway.

Definitely see a solicitor - most will give you a free consultation.