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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Husband wants divorce/seperation..just told me today.

22 replies

SpiritualKnot · 07/03/2010 16:18

Husband just announced he wants a divorce. He says we lead seperate lives (true) and don't get on except as friends (true). We've been married 19 years and have a teenage son and 10 year old daughter.

A few months ago his best friend died from a brain haemmorhage, out of the blue, aged 41 yrs.Very sad. Knew at the time this would have big impact on hubby. However what he says is true. We both work full time, he's on shifts and I'm on days. We don't go on holidays together as he hates flying and he hates going on hols in this country.

Next month we were all invited to a family party and he has declined to go and then says we never do things together. I'm going with my daughter.

At the moment he's in the spare bedroom at nights and I thought this was because I've got tonsillitis at the moment so am coughing and noring a lot at nights, now I realise he's trying to distance himself from me.

He says coz his friend has died it's made him reflect on life etc, hasn't been happy in the marriage for years and thinks I haven't. He doesn't want to spend the next 10 years feeling like this. I haven't been that happy either, but have been too busy to notice I think. I pay all the mortgage and bills, so don't think it would be too traumatic financially unless he wanted me to support him....can that happen?

I feel real sad and kinda shocked. But this is a guy who said he was going to paint the bathroom ceiling a year ago and still hasn't done it. So, I find it hard to believe that he's gonna find a place to live etc, unless I help him. Should I help him? Really don't know what to do.

Am crying but have to act normal as well as the kids are around.
sk

OP posts:

compo · 07/03/2010 16:21

do you love him?
Tbh I'd say to him 'ok have you got somewhere to live' and ask him when he's moving out
don't help him find somewhere
see where he goes from here and just be friendly and supportive
then if he changes his mind you candecide if your marriage is worth saving
or you could suggest counselling?

Tortington · 07/03/2010 16:22

i wouldn't help him. i would e off to solicitors first thing tomorrow

coppertop · 07/03/2010 16:29

I wouldn't help him. If he wants to leave then it's up to him to make the effort. If he's sure he wants his independence then looking for his own place to live is surely the ideal way for him to start?

Sorry you've had such a shock.

FabIsDoingPrettyWell · 07/03/2010 16:32

I feel sorry for both of you but also have to give him credit for being honest and true to his feelings. You have felt the same but have done nothing whether to talk and try and fix things or to say you want to split.

Clearly his friend dying has had a huge impact on him and he could still be grieving.

Why not help him move out? He is still your husband, presumably you still like him if not love him and he will always be the father of your children.

Original poster

SpiritualKnot · 07/03/2010 16:44

Hi Compo, Yes I still love him and he stills loves me I guess. Don't think counselling is an option really.
Custardo, I am so ignorant about these things, would a solicitor just arrange a divorce? I think we might seperate first and see how it goes?
Coppertop, if I leave it to him, don't know if or when things will happen and then things may get sour between us?
Fabis, I think I would have to help him. It was him that said the death of his friend wouldn't affect him (only died at end of January) and I've been waiting, had a feeling something would happen. Worried about the kids a lot, not the older one but the 10 year old.

OP posts:

Malificence · 07/03/2010 17:04

SK, this is the man who drinks far too much and hurt you / was sexually violent when you were meant to be on a nice weekend away, yes?

If he really wanted to change his life for the better, he would be thinking more of stopping his excessive drinking and improving his health and lifestyle plus working on your joint happiness.

You'll be far better of without him imho, if he drinks himself to an early death he can't blame it on being unhappy becaue fo living with you.

coppertop · 07/03/2010 17:11

SK - From reading your description of him (not seen any previous threads) I have a pretty good idea of what will end up happening.

You start off helping him to find a place. He can't quite get around to packing his stuff himself so you end up doing that for him too. Then, as he's used to you being the one who pays all the bills he ends up 'not getting around' to setting them up and paying them. Then he wants to see dd but actually can't quite get around to making the arrangements and so you end up doing all that too.

Basically you end up effectively managing two households while he gets his independence without doing anything to earn it.

Far better for him to start as he means to go on.

Malificence · 07/03/2010 17:17

You both work full time yet you pay all the bills?
Where do his wages go then?

Original poster

SpiritualKnot · 07/03/2010 17:22

Yes Mal it is him, probably why I'm quite passive about this as I want him to go on one level but sad that it's come to this.

I've hidden from the kids how he is, my son will be fine with things changing but my daughter will be devastated.

Coppertop, yes I can see that could happen, though in our first house he paid all the bills and rent etc and I think he misses that so I think he'll do it. I couldn't manage 2 households.

Hard bit is the choosing a place and moving out. He's also said we can sell our current house and buy a house each...hate the thought of that.

OP posts:

Original poster

SpiritualKnot · 07/03/2010 17:26

He does actually give me £500 a month and says this is towards the mortgage and he buys some of the food. Some of his salary goes on his phone and rest I don't know!

He's always overdrawn but I don't help him out as I feel he should contribute £500 a month. Mortgage is around £760 a month.

He does quite well out of it really as he uses the landline phone most and I pay that anyway.All other bills and rates I pay.

OP posts:

coppertop · 07/03/2010 18:14

I would seriously consider seeing someone (solicitor or CAB) to get some advice about your situation. At the moment he seems to be wanting it all his way, even though it means you and the children also having to move house. You don't need to be thinking about divorce yet (unless that's what you want) but I really think you need to know where you stand legally.

I think your dh's first step should be to sit down and start looking at his income and what his outgoings are likely to be. It's going to be costing him a lot more than '£500 and something towards the food'.

Janestillhere · 07/03/2010 18:21

Go to a solicitor asap. Seriously.

expatinscotland · 07/03/2010 18:24

He's a cocklodger.

Please get a solicitor, get a counselor and learn that you deserve more in life thant his.

Original poster

SpiritualKnot · 07/03/2010 18:24

How much does it cost to see a solicitor? Do you just ring up and make an appointment? Can I go on my own or would dh need to come with me?

OP posts:

Original poster

SpiritualKnot · 07/03/2010 18:25

Cocklodger?

What's that? Sounds painful.

OP posts:

Janestillhere · 07/03/2010 18:32

Make an appointment first thing. Go on your own or with trusted friend/relative (I forgot things when I came out)

First half hour/session is free I believe.

I came out feeling 'yes, this is the correct decision' - weight had been lifted abit already from my shoulders.

Babyonboardinthesticks · 07/03/2010 18:33

How can you not know what someone you live with spends his money on? You need to have a good hunt for details of things now before he goes. Find your marriage cert. Get the details and numbers of all his bank accounts and pensions. He may have been saving all his other wages over the years.

In terms of divorce assets are divided at date of divorce not separation so if the house goes up in value now and he's been outa year he gets half the increase at divorce not now so it's not always wise to wait.

You do NOT need to sell the house. It's the home of your children. If you cannot afford to buy him out (and he may well get a lot less than 50% as you have and support the children) on a remortgage then he will have to wait until your younvest is 18 to get his share unless it's a house much bigger than your needs.

Original poster

SpiritualKnot · 07/03/2010 18:59

Thanks for that Jane, think I'll make an appointment for later in the week, give me time to see what is happening here.

Xenia, he buys a lot of music stuff and has car loans and such, he's definitely overdrawn each month, no savings at all. We also have a house that we rent out. It's on a buy to let mortgage. Since mortgage rates dropped we're doing quite well with it.

DH is suggesting we gave notice to the current tenants and he move in there? I'm not sure it's legal for him to live in a property with a buy to let mortgage on it. Feel a bit unfair to throw a young couple out anyway, good tenants and everything.

huses round here are quite cheap at the mo, just spotted a 2 bedroom flat in a nice area, just outside our town for £55,000. Rung him at work, not interested, still keen on considering the house we're renting out. Rents round here are in the region of £500 month.Mortgage on our buy to let is about £250.

OP posts:

Babyonboardinthesticks · 07/03/2010 20:17

Well he will need somewhere to live so that makes sense and is fairer than him hav ing to move into a bed sit for when the children stay with him.

SugarMousePink · 07/03/2010 20:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Sassa · 07/03/2010 20:54

Hi SK

Try to keep it amicable and stay friends if you can. You have a history and children in common that one cannot simply forget about. If things are amicable it will be easier to cope with separation. Also, upon separation, you will have so many things to sort out that it just makes life so much easier if you are amicable. On to the legal stuff - you may want to separate and see how things go. Reach a temporary agreement regarding the finances and see how things develop. There's no doubt it's a costly exercise if you reconcile. However, if you have been separated for say 6 months and realise that there is no going back, one of you may want to get the closure in order to move on and think about divorce proceedings. pm me if you wish. It's easy enough to put a divorce petition together and then draft a financial order to reflect the agreement reached when you separated. One step at a time.

Best regards

Harjit Sarang

Original poster

SpiritualKnot · 08/03/2010 19:35

Thanks for the advice.Quick update, been off work today feeling ill and have found dh somewhere to look at in the next day or two.

Think I mentioned it before, 2 bed flat, nice area, £55000. Would rather it just be done quickly, don't want to still be discussing it in 6 months time.

I knew something would change with him after his best friend died. Realise this may sound very practical and unloving but if he doesn't want to be here then he can go.

I remember a few years ago he spoke of leaving and I worked hard to keep him,lost 2 stone for example, but I think it's past rescuing this time.

OP posts:

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