There is something wrong with me.

[OrmRenewed]

There must be.

I seem to have so few normal friendships. Just ones where I have to pick up pieces all the time. I posted about this last week. Being tired of having to act like an emotional sponge. So DH and I planned an evening out last night - just a drink. Then he met the partner of a friend of mine, one of the one's whose been having problems, and invited them along. No problem. But when we turned up she pissed and a bit crazy - very up - and then proceeded to get more pissed and upset, and I ended up doing the same thing I always do. Reassuring her, and her DP ended up sheperding a drunk tearful woman home.

I have got 'normal' friends, I just don't see them as often. I am useless at making the effort but I know when I see them it will fine straight away. No hassle, no tears. But recently I seem to become surrounded by people who want.

Is it me? Do I encourage unhealhty dependent friendships?

I doubt there is anything 'wrong' with you if you also have normal, healthy friendships and relationships

Are you someone who others see as a bit of a 'coper'? You know, steady, realistic, good at giving advice etc (even if you don't feel this way yourself) If you project that character then of course you're going to be attractive to those that are struggling a bit

Well your dh maybe shouldn't have invited her tbh

I mean couldn't your dh see that you needed a break!?

I solve this problem by ensuring I am always more drunk. Works for me.

Yes I'm a cope bernard. Perhaps I should practice being feeble. Now he shouldn't compo, but perhaps he thought going out to a public place would be OK. It should have been. I am actually beginning to feel a bit angry now.

I think then that you just have to be a bit mindful of YOUR needs, and not let them get lost in the demands of others

Stuff like fielding phonecalls: don't answer to someone you suspect is going to be a bit 'needy' any more than once a week or whatever

If you plan another night out with DP, make sure it's just you two. That sort of thing

That's the thing, if you're used as an emotional toilet (sorry, can't think of a better comparison) by people without them recognising that you too may need an outlet, anger and resentment can build up

I know someone (lets call her Judy) very well who does this all of the time. She has friends who she never makes the effort to see unless there is an 'occasion' and then there are the 'dead beats' who all need help in some way.
Now these dead beats are the ones she will actually choose to spend time with over prebooked stuff with 'normal' friends.

It puzzles us why she is like this. We think that maybe she has something deep inside that needs to be satisfied with all of that giving. But why not 'give' to those who arent so obviously in dire straits. We all need a bit of a boost from time to time.

Or is it that she gets a sense of superiority from being so much better than the dead beats at money/relationships/health.

We suspect both varieties in turn depending on how we have been let down by her.

I will keep a watch on this thread as I would really like to understand what could be going on.

Im impressed however that you understand that this isnt doing you any favours.

I don't turn invitations down stan. I would never stand up a friend - but I will admit to not being that good at arranging stuff.

"Or is it that she gets a sense of superiority from being so much better than the dead beats at money/relationships/health"

Ouch! I don't think so in my case.

Also I suspect that you and I are coming at this from diametrically opposite directions. Or are you genuinely concerned for your friend?

Stanislaus, sounds like your friend has a need to be needed. That her self-worth is validated by people relying on her for support and assistance

With 'normal' folk she doesn't know what her role is

IMO Orm is just a bit pissed off with people dumping on her a bit too much

(Feel free to tell me to piss off if I have this TOTALLY wrong, either of you)

That's about it notnow. And what is there about me that makes people think I want to hear all about their problems all the time? I really crave a fun night out when we can talk and laugh and generally communicate on a pleasantly shallow basis without tears and guts spilling all over the place

Try and see it as a positive thing, Orm, but at the same time protect yourself a bit more from it

People obviously feel 'safe' with you - able to vent their stuff with you. You probably are a good listener and give good advice. These are great personality traits to have

Just keep your bondaries nice and tight

Field those phonecalls, allow 'venting' time from people, but limit it. Don't allow it to take over a whole call/visit/night out or whatever

Hi, I get rid of emotionally vulnerable "friends" dumping on me too much, by listening to their wows for a short period and then saying something like " I'm sure you know best what to do" or something else which ends that topic. Advise them to go to Relate or Women's Aid or their GP. Say that it is all too complicated for you, or too difficult and they need an expert (which is probably true). Then say that you want a fun night out and change the subject. Some men however like emotionally vulnerable women as they are easy prey for a seemingly kind man. They may need "comforting " from someone who appears kind. I know from experience. Ask yourself what your H gets out of it.